Monday, April 16, 2012

The Spam Award

Yes, yes, I know, I haven't blogged in a gazillion years.  Its not as if my life has become full of money, servants, and mountains of chocolate... its just that I got into a rut blogging as animals (get your mind out of the gutter, and no I'm not appearing in some freak show on tv), and found it hard to blog as a human.  My friends will understand, and I'm not talking about the voices in my head (this time).

Anyhoo, it seems that my blogs are just ripe with material that spammers key in on.  I had thought that most of the nonsensical rambling with link to either virus laden, or porn laden Web sites were done by mindless computers that just randomly spewed out their crap.  I even thought that there were some non-english speaking types that did key word searches and typed out a bunch of misspelled mumbo jumbo followed by the obligatory virus laden or porn laden Web sites... but this one takes the cake.

This spam comment was posted on my blog entry "This Can't Be a Good Sign".  That blog posting was all about a pigeon committing suicide, and my husband's insomnia.

Please note that nowhere in that blog post did I mention anything about:
bull riding
mechanical bulls
That stupid movie about mechanical bull riding

and yet, this spammer felt compelled to write a 14 page compelling comment on why everyone should go right out and rent a mechanical bull.  Please note, most of the reasons are sadistic and involve small children getting flung to the ground... ha ha... seriously.

I was so impressed with this write up, that I'm going to present it to you in full... except for the name of the business, because they totally suck for trying to get free advertising out of me.  At the very least they could have e-mailed me and offered to pay me in Cherry or Raspberry M&Ms (for which I'm willing to whore myself out for at this point), so screw you and screw all of your hard work and run-on sentences, you aren't getting free advertising, but everyone will (for free) enjoy your manifesto on mechanical bull riding.

So, without further interruption or editing, here is the longest spam blog comment in the history of the far:

MECHANICAL BULL RIDING has become one of the most popular activities to have at any special event.

"STUPIDSPAM COMPANY operates the safest and most realistic mechhanical bulls available on the East Coast for Company Picnics, Corporate Events, Colleges, Post Proms, Private parties or any special event.

Our mechanical bulls are perfect for the youngest rider to the experienced cowboy. The bulls are completely safe for both children and adults. This all electric, direct drive, computer controlled attraction is as safe and as fun as it gets.

All Bulls are high quality and use the latest technology.
Designed to simulate real bull movement.
Get the feeling that you are riding a real bull.
Horns and body of bull are contructed of safe rubber.
Operator can control bulls movementsin differentlevels from novice to expert.

No matter what kind of party you are having a mechanical bull rental is sure to add some excitement. Announce you have this activity available and watch the crowds develop. Many people are curious about just how to ride a mechanical bull. There actually is an art to managing to stay on for any length of time. A lot of a person’s ability to stay on the bull depends on how much experience they have with bull riding and what level the mechanical bull is set at. There are different settings available to adjust the mechanical bull’s speed and/or bucking ability. For an experienced bull rider, crank the settings on high and let them put their experience to test. If you are letting children ride the bull, then put the settings on low and gradually increase to let them feel like they are mastering the art.

You have seen them on television and you have seen them at county fairs; however, it is now time to see a mechanical bull at your next party! Whether you are having a birthday party, graduation party, or a free for all adult party, mechanical bulls will surely increase the fun factor. Mechanical bulls are so much fun you will wonder how parties existed before their creation. They add a great source of entertainment for everyone ages 10 to 100. They are available to rent at different rates depending on the size, style ad availability or you can even purchase one to own.

When you have a mechanical bull rental Philadelphia you do not have to have it set up for competition. You will get hours of fun just watching people laugh as they get jerked around by the bull only to eventually fall. The only problem you face when renting a mechanical bull is, your party attendants may not want to leave when the party is over!  (ok, I have to mention that the other thing you'll have to face is that certain lawsuit)

Mechanical bull riding is safe entertainment for all ages. The mechanical SPAM COMPANY is surrounded by pads or air mattress material. The laughter and fun increases as each person falls to the floor! The bull is set up to jerk and sling around just as a real bull would. The rider must learn to get in position and hold on tight. The longer a person stays on the harder the mechanical bull should start to buck. Eventually the rider must figure out how to get off. Thankfully, in the mechanical bull world there isn’t a bull to stomp back on top of the rider."