Sunday, March 13, 2011

Why I Spray Painted My Mailbox

I hate my mailbox.  It was here when we moved in.  Its brown, its plastic, it sits on a wooden pole, and it holds the mail, so its functional.

I don't want a giant trout mailbox, or a racecar mailbox, or even a husky shaped mailbox, I just want a mailbox that will hold the mail and keep it dry... which is one of the main problems with our mailbox.  It hates us.

If it rains, the door will magically open and the mail will get wet.  We blamed the mailman, but watched on several occasions as the mailman came and went and diligently closed the door, through rain, and sleet, and all that other crap, the door was always closed with a resounding thud.  We even hid our cars and pretended not be be home, because mailmen are cagey and would know they were being watched and only do it on days when they knew we weren't home... but sure enough... diligent mailman.  The only other alternative: the mailbox hated us.

FINE, I don't much like it either.  Mainly because I can't get the stupid reflective street numbers to stick to it.  Oh sure, we have decorative worthless street numbers that you can't even see unless you were inches away with a magnifying glass, so we put the reflective stickers on the mailbox itself... only to see it shed them off at the slightest wind.

FINE! So we got one of those things that you bolt to the top... except someone stole it.  Yes, I went from street to street and checked out everyone that had the same street number as us, but you can only go to so many streets before you realize you should just go freakin buy another one.

FINE! So we buy another one, except they don't make the one that will fit on our box, and even if they did, the bolts that hold it are so rusted we'd have to rip them off and probably break the spindly plastic mailbox, so we bought another one, and that one requires drilling new holes and who freaking has time to do that (especially since the new level of Angry Birds came out).

FINE!  So at Lowes this afternoon I bought stencils and spray paint.  I would also like to take a moment to bitch to the stencil people who only put 1 copy of each freakin letter and number in there, so I had to buy TWO sets of complete stencils.  Why don't they sell individual stencils?  HMMMM?

FINE! So I get home and carefully put the correct numbers in the correct order and tape the row of numbers together so they stay straight and go out with the stencils and spray paint... AND I CAN'T GET THE LID OFF THE SPRAY PAINT!  Apparently its a "safety" thing to keep kids from huffing spray paint... like they can't afford spray paint, a paper bag AND a screw driver to jam under the lid? 

FINE! So I go inside and get a screwdriver and the STUPID PIECE OF CRAP LID STILL WON'T COME OFF!  So I beat it to pieces with a hammer, and go out and attach the stencil to the mailbox and spray the "drip less" spray paint.  "Drip less"?  SERIOUSLY?  Its dripping all over the place, and not only that... but the numbers look like a freakin blob of white.  Now I have a freakin blob of white on my mailbox.  Great, that looks like crap.

So I sprayed the sides and top of the stupid thing and now it looks like crap... and I don't care.

Eventually we'll have to get another one... which means replacing the rotting pole its on, cutting through power lines, and probably severing a finger... I'll pay any of you to come replace it.... because you still can't see our address numbers under all that dripping white spray paint.