Saturday, October 16, 2010

At the Airport

Last night I was at the airport waiting to pick up Lobsterman.

I'm standing at Gate C.

A guy walks up to me and says "Do you know what gate this is?"

I say "C"

He says "Oh my gosh, do you speak english?"

It was then that I realized I was in a Jack Benny skit

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Another Threat to Mankind

Just when I thought it was bad enough that I had to fight my way through roving gangs of feral Girl Scouts hawking their crack-laced cookies at supermarkets.
There came a knock on my door... a tiny little Boy Scout, looking very optimistic and eager... until I opened the door.  For some reason he took a few steps back and looked toward the street (where I'm sure his enforcer mom was waiting in a idling car, ready to flee the scene if trouble ensued... or mace me).  Sensing his fear, I tried to put on my nicest "kid" voice, which sounds similar to my "give me the dead squirrel" voice I use on the dogs (typically neither get the desired effect).

"Can I help you?"

The little kid (who was clearly puntable in case he came at me with his clipboard) asked if I wanted to buy a tin of popcorn... for TEN DOLLARS.

Ok, I was thinking those gargantuan-sized Costco tins that can fit one or two little boy scouts, so I figured, what the hey and marked myself down for one... then clearly by the look of utter expectation, I surmised that he needed the money up front, then I would have to wait months for the carmelly goodness, no doubt mass produced by children his age in some foreign country sweat shop.  FINE, I go get my wallet and discover I only have a freakin 20.  Guessing that the future Bill Gates of carmel corn doesn't have change, I decide to be all nice and put myself down for two of the stupid buckets of popcorn.  He grabbed the money and ran.

It was only after I got back inside that I realized that I was in full "weekend mode"
Corrupting Boy Scouts, one scout at a time with my stylish Meeshka Justice system t-shirt (available on cafe press), and insane hair.

A few days go by and there's another tap on the door... its the scout, out of uniform, holding two of the tiniest little tins of carmel corn I had ever seen.  We're talking TINY, itty bitty.  Not nearly $20 bucks worth of anything in those tins... not even GOLD and we all know how much that is now.  He literally throws the tins at me (even though I'm wearing normal public clothes because I just got home from work).

The next day I take one of the ridiculously tiny tins to work to snack on.  Just as I suspected, its loaded with crack, and now I'm cruising the neighborhood looking for the little brat with my entire life's savings for another fix.

Monday, October 11, 2010


Lobsterman is taking another trip, so I'm left at home catching up on episodes of "Hoarders" with a large supply of contractor bags... what to do, what to do?

This weekend was actually boring.  Normally I've got a huge list of things I need to do (that hardly ever get done), and the compelling need to do things, but this weekend I lost all will to do anything, so I did nothing... and you know... that can get contagious.

Oh sure, I did THINGS.  I had a dermatologist appointment to inspect my skin.  Being a redhead prior to the invention of SPF anything, chances of my fair, easily cooked skin to generate all sorts of nasty big "C" things is pretty astronomical, and since I had something pre-nasty frozen off my nose (oh how I wish I had one of those freezy container things... that fun I could have at work), the doctor felt it necessary to inspect every epi of my derm... is.

Never having gone through one of them, I could only imagine that you stood on a giant lazy susan and spun around while the doctor peered at your through a gigantic magnifying glass.  Apparently not, although that would have been faster than the guy trying to peer meekly at skin around the crinkly paper gown from hell.  Please someone explain to me why paper gowns are large enough to fit 4 of me, but the little plastic tie wrap thing barely goes all the way around to tie? 

Also, for those of you that go have the derm inspection: wear a bra... even if you are a guy.  You can keep your bra and underwear on (they encourage it) therefore I've noodled it through and have come to the conclusion that bras and underwear keep you from developing skin cancer in those areas because if you can keep them on, then they aren't going to look under there, therefore there's no reason to look under there, therefore bra and underwear material must ward off the big "C".  Where's my Nobel Peace Prize?

As I write this, Lobsterman is texting me pictures of his lobster and prime rib meal that he claims he was forced to eat because Dallas only has lobster and prime rib places... apparently no McDonalds or anything cheaper... how odd...

Which reminds me of the wonderful box I got via Fedex on Friday... Lobersterman's dirty clothes from his last trip.  In case you are wondering, its cheaper to Fedex your clothes to your trip destination than pay the baggage fees the airlines charge you, plus Fedex usually doesn't steal your possessions and try on your underwear and take pictures of it and post it on facebook... not that this has happened... that I'm aware of, but...

Anyhoo, Saturday was spent making stew.  Ok, I threw a bunch of stuff in a crock pot, plugge it in and turned it on (which can be challenging... completing all steps in the proper order) and then sat on my ass all day watching tv.

Sunday I washed all of Lobersterman's dirty clothes and threw them into another suitcase, which leads me to my next topic:  Denny's: the Activia Alternative.

I'll save that for another blog post, as I'm sure that's another Nobel Peace Prize in the making and I don't want to seem selfish getting two awards in one day... and now Lobsterman is telling me that I need to just go eat at this place he's at and order a Venti Au Jus... lovely.  I'd better go up and eat my peanut butter sandwich before that's spoiled by all of the Au Jus drool.

I was going to write about how boring it is here without Lobsterman, but now all I want is a cup of Au Jus.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

The Most Amazing Pots and Pans!!!!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night for some reason or another (I'm sure it had nothing to do with a Siberian Husky butt in my face), and saw an infomercial for the MOST AMAZING PAN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HOLY GAH!!!

Even though the sound was off, I could see that the "hosts" of this "show" really, truly love these pans and felt that the entire world needed to buy them (for the low, low price they never revealed while I was watching) because of the following wonderful and amazing things:
  1. Other pans gave off a toxic smoke that will kill you and the ENTIRE WORLD!!!
  2. The EPA says that it doesn't contain something bad that will kill you AND THE ENTIRE WORLD (it could have been CO2, I don't know, as the sound was off, and I was exhaling)
  3. The FDA says that using these pans will make you healthier and unhealthy people WILL KILL YOU AND THE ENTIRE WORLD
  4. It was a very strong pan... at least that's what I'm guessing when they beat it into the shape of a fortune cookie... I really have no idea why they did that.
  5. Because nothing sticks to the pan (not even burnt plastic) it was much healthier for you because 1 tiny bit of oil contains 500 GAZILLION POUNDS OF FAT and will ... yeah, yeah, kill everything
  6. You will absolutely lose a gazillion pounds of fat because you aren't cooking with the gazillion pounds of fat and they showed a before and after picture of some woman who I totally thought looked exactly the same, except maybe a little sadder because her food tasted like bland shit.  But at least she wasn't KILLING HERSELF AND THE ENTIRE WORLD!
So, everyone needs to buy these wonderful "green" green pans because if you don't, you're a total butthead that wants the world to die.

Unfortunately, there's one thing these pans won't do for you...
spell check your commercial