Sunday, January 31, 2010

I'm Being Stalked

Everywhere I turn, there it is... staring at me... taunting me.

It wants me to buy it, it screams at me to buy it.

I hate you Cole Haan, you suck.

One little ad showing a whole way of life (ripped jeans, comfy shirt, comfy shoes, and THAT BAG!!! It pops up wherever I google, or facebook or read the news online. It stalks me, it knows that I am weak, that eventually I’ll obsess myself into an ulcer at the chance that this could be the “perfect bag” that so eludes me.

I know that if I bought you, you wouldn’t make my job any less tolerable, or my life any less easy. You wouldn’t find me at casual cocktail parties leaning against a wall looking so very cool that caused people to just throw money at me to attend casual cocktail parties to lean against a wall looking cool... or doing anything else other than what I currently do.

I would not exude spirited sophistication. I would most likely resent you after a while, you are so expensive, and I would feel compelled to cram your rich woodbury milled nubuck guts with ramen noodle soup, band-aids, and hands full of pilfered OTC pharmaceuticals from the company medicine cabinet. I would weep when the travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer (that I only use to pretend that I actually care not to spread germs throughout the land) leaks and ruins your vibrant new color. I would feel guilty for spending so much on your soft unlined construction, enough money to feed a family of 60 in third world countries.

I’m seeking a restraining order against you Cole Haan Raleigh Whipstitch tote.

Monday, January 25, 2010

You know its going to be a bad day when...

You slather cream rinse in your hair only to discover that you actually slathered Oil of Olay Body wash on your head. There’s really no reason to get dressed and go to work after that, you might as well just go straight back to bed and call it a day.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Why Phone Companies Are Out To Drive Me Insane

I’m pretty sure I’ve ranted about the craptastic phone service before, I just can’t find any of these rants. Until we switched over the Verizon FIOS, every year EVERY STINKIN YEAR our phone lines would die a horrible death. Every year EVERY STINKIN YEAR we’d deal with appointments, technicians not showing up, or showing up at the wrong day/time, and one year we had them forward our calls to my cell phone, except they botched the number and were forwarding all of our calls to a Mitsubishi dealership. I hope they enjoyed all of the telemarketer calls.

Then came FIOS and angels sang from on high, bluebirds landed on our shoulders, rainbows appeared (RAINBOWS, I HATE RAINBOWS... chill out, its a South Park reference), and we had no problems.... or so we thought.

So on thursday I go into work and my work phone is dead. Doornail dead. Voicemail is equally dead. How odd (and peaceful) I figured it was a glitch that would get fixed. Around noon when I needed to call someone, it had become annoying. My officemate’s phone worked. Walking up and down the halls asking I found that it was JUST ME. FINE, I go upstairs to talk to someone and use their phone to call the helpless moron desk. I confirmed my number, confirmed that it was dead so asked that they send me e-mail instead of trying to call me (you shouldn’t have to remind a help desk that if your phone isn’t working, you shouldn’t call there... but the helpless desk is truly helpless), and went about my day without a phone... how special. I figured that when I came in on Monday, it would be fixed.

On Friday I check the mail and there’s a nastygram from MCI (our old long distance carrier) who is informing me that they’ve just cut off my long distance because I didn’t pay them $29 that was way waaaaaay past due. Um... I didn’t know I owed them $29, nobody sent me anything, not even a Christmas card, so how the hell was I suppose to know that I owed them $29, especially since we switched over to FIOS a few months ago, they shouldn’t even be handling my long distance. Of course, the number on the nastygram was closed, so I figured I’d call them on Monday from work.

Just out of curiosity, I went online to Verizon to check my bill... except I couldn’t check my bill or my services or anything, because they told me that my stuff wasn’t available... for some reason. They suggested that I should call them... except they were closed. Fine, I’ll call them on Monday from work as well.

Monday... my work phone is still dead, dead, kaput. Sigh. I walk upstairs to check my e-mail (if you are wondering why I can’t do that from my desk, well, I’m not going into the whole thing that I do, just trust me when I tell you that I can’t check “normal” e-mail from there.) There’s an e-mail from tech support asking me to confirm my phone number... the phone number I confirmed with the help desk minion on thursday... the number that is in all of the corporate address books, pseudo stupid company facebooky-like things, and in my e-mail signature line... same number. I e-mail the person back and confirm its the e-mail, log off, walk downstairs again.

Few hours go by, I go back up and check my e-mail, and there’s a response from tech support. What jack is my phone plugged into. Sigh. Sign off, walk downstairs, look at the jack, walk back upstairs, e-mail the tech support the jack number, log off, walk back downstairs, collapse in exhaustion.

Few hours go by, I go back upstairs, check my e-mail, there’s a response from tech support that says:

It seems that your phone was deactivated by mistake. I’ve reset your password and contacted a support technician to come reactivate it.

Oh... gee... so you are able to deactivate a phone without any sort of owner interaction, but to reactivate a mistakenly deactivated phone, you require a person to come do something... and my name isn’t PEGGY.

I dial in remotely to my voicemail, reset my password, rerecord my lame “I’m ignoring you and won’t return your call anyway, but humor me and leave me a message that I’ll laugh at and ignore” message... ok, its a bit more professional than that, but not by much, and then to my amazement... there’s a voicemail waiting FROM TECH SUPPORT! Some guy mumbles his name, rattles off a number and tells me to call him. I write the number down, dial it.... AND ITS NOT IN SERVICE.

I e-mail the tech support person a rather... nice.... response pointing out that my name isn’t Peggy and by this time I’m VERY angry and they should send the tech straight to my office to fix my phone ASAP as I will be waiting and sharpening some scissors.

I spend the rest of Monday cutting little paper tech support dolls and hacking off their limbs... ok, I just worked, but I thought of cutting little paper tech support dolls and hacking off their limbs. At the end of the day, no tech person. Before I leave, I go upstairs, log into e-mail and respond to tech person with: “Is the tech person coming today, this week, or this month?”

Tuesday morning I get to work, and lo and behold... my phone still isn’t working.

I go upstairs, log into e-mail and there’s a message from the tech person from yesterday saying she’s escalated the problem and I should hear from someone within the hour... except 12 hours have already gone by and my phone still isn’t working. I respond with “I’m still waiting”.

An hour later the tech guy shows up, punches 4 buttons and my phone works. He tells me that he JUST got the help desk e-mail and was scrolling through it thinking “oh man, she’s going to tear them a new one”, because he knows me very well.

Now that my phone worked, I called MCI and said WTF? MCI has been taken over by Verizon, and Verizon was suppose to be my long distance carrier, but apparently they are now Verizon, but still MCI, but not really, and frankly I began to drool with each explanation. I told them that I would just go yell at Verizon, paid them their stupid $29 and hung up, called Verizon.

First of all, I would like to say this to Verizon customer support: It is not a good idea to play the Muzak version of “Wind Beneath My Wings” over and over and over again while irate customers wait for a real person to pick up the phone... I’m just sayin.

I got a technician named “Hope”. Seriously... HOPE! Hope was very nice, and when I told her that I wasn’t getting bills, I couldn’t access my account online, MCI was still my long distance provider, WTF? She proceeded to read off my bill to me... line by line, each individual charge. I DON’T FRICKEN CARE WHAT MY BILL SAYS I CAN READ, I COULD READ IT FOR MYSELF IF YOU WOULD SEND ME ONE!!! Then I went on about global warming, why Keith Olbermann should be hung by his testicles (if he has any) and the annoying hang nail on my left hand until I nearly passed out from not breathing. Luckily I had closed my office door before I dialed. Hope was actually very apologetic (I’m sure she was cutting little paper doll customers as she spoke) and said she would make some adjustments based on all of the trouble I was having. She knocked off the FIOS installation charge, bundled my services into one for cheaper, and gave us faster internet for the lower bundle rate. Sweet.

The last thing she did was transfer me over to the official long distance permission to transfer service from one provider to another person, who asks you to verify information while being recorded, because apparently there is a lot of long distance carrier fraud going on and they have to make you verify everything on a recording... and yet will just tell you a password or PIN just on a whim... whatever.

So, now we have faster internet, a bundled service, didn’t have to pay for installation... how much you wanna bet I still don’t get a bill and can’t log into my account online... I’ll save that for next month.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Art of Protest: Know Your Target

I happened to catch an itty bitty, tiny article about Cindy Sheehan leading a protest. It left me very puzzled.

Ms. Sheehan use to get full page headlines in the darling Liberal newspapers for her “courage” to stand in a free country and demonstrate against the horrible Bush regime. Her protest subject was simple: her son died fighting for his country and she was pissed off and blamed then President George W Bush.

Okey dokey, sure. Free country, freedom of speech, right to protest. More power to her and the others that have a beef and want to peacefully assemble and make their opinions public. Unfortunately for Ms. Sheehan, her bandwagon got so big that she no longer drove it, so she jumped off and went home (I guess, once you are out of the liberal limelight, who knows where you end up). Its not her fault that she became the poster child for liberal rage and was thrown so far into the limelight that she burned her face.

Ms. Sheehan apparently didn’t go home, she actually continued to protest... except nobody was paying attention... well, the lamestream media wasn’t paying attention, therefore she didn’t exist.

For example, in August 2009, Ms. Sheehan went to Martha’s Vineyard to protest now President Barack Obama. Her message? Same as before: End the wars and bring troops home. If you do a Google Search for news on this event, you get about 26 hits. If you Google Cindy Sheehan Obama, you get a more respectable 1,340 hits. If you do a Google search on Cindy Sheehan Bush, you get (hold onto your pants) 18,600. Nope, no media bias there, none at all, nope!

Ms. Sheehan actually ran to take over Nancy Pelosi’s seat. Frankly, at this point, I’d rather have Ms. Sheehan than Nancy Pelosi... I’d take a cardboard cutout of a dog rather than Nancy Pelosi, so that’s not saying much about Ms. Sheehan.

So now we come to today, where her protest was against the “cowardly UAV” attacks that are NOW ordered by this guy:

I’d like to point out that under our current Administration, we try captured terrorists in Federal Court, but we simply bomb the bejeezus out of them (and whoever happens to be in the way) using UAVs without so much as a miranda right or blindfold. If that’s the case, then I say release all of the people in Gitmo and let them go back to their nefarious deeds back in their homeland so we can bomb the bejeezus out of them with UAVs.

Not this guy:
I realize that protesting the current Administration is not popular, but back when you protested George W. Bush, you were protesting against the poster boy of liberal rage. That’s easy, and popular. You were thrust into the spotlight, honored, and held up on a pedestal. Gosh, I’m surprised you didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize for that (since you really don’t have to do ANYTHING to win that).

Now you’re going to see just how much your liberal friends REALLY want the wars to end and our soldiers brought home (26 Google hits, versus 18,600 Google hits). None of them will call you “brave”, or speak of your “courage” for protesting against their chosen one. You will be mocked and ridiculed by them (and if you think the Republican mocking was bad, hooo boy are you in for a long ride), you will be dismissed, and you will be ignored.

Welcome to the club.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Healthcare Mandate, Who's Gonna Pay?

Every day I sit and watch as our elected officials, our public servants in office to represent us, continue to ignore polls, ignore non-stop faxes, e-mails, twitter screaming, facebook posts, and gatherings of thousands (or if you read lamestream media, just a few hundred right wing extremist racists or none at all) and charge ahead with a bill that they will cram firmly down our throats.

“its not perfect”, “its a work in progress”, “we have to pass something and then we’ll fix it once it passes”, yep that’s the work ethic of America (I would insert the new “sarcasm” icon here, but I’m too lazy to spend $2.00 on a symbol when my sarcasm should be so abundantly clear, that it drips off the screen and stains your clothes).

I’m keeping track of all of the people, organizations, job types, and random exceptions that continue to receive (for a bribe or promise of votes) exemptions from this “wonderful bill that will save/create the health of gazillions of uninsured american people (you’d better go put on a bib or plastic sheet from all of this sarcasm).

I realize that the following is a rudimentary calculation of the population versus who is going to have to pay for healthcare. I realize (before you rudely point it out even though I said ”rudimentary“ which you probably didn’t know the definition of, didn’t bother to look it up, and just did that knee jerk reactionary defense thing when you actually have no clue yourself who is going to pay for this monstrosity, except that the magical government will fly their marshmallow plane to the land of money growing on trees to harvest some) that there will be a lot of overlap here. I’m sure that the number of welfare recipients will include those I listed in the population of Nebraska and Louisiana, and that union members may include government workers, and that some senior citizens can’t live on the pittance of social security benefits that are meted out like so much Oliver Twist gruel, but deal with it. You probably believe that polls that show your side winning are accurate, while polls showing that your side is hated and ridiculed are bogus, so if you feel compelled to pick apart these numbers and present your own, that’s fine... or you can just call me an extremist and blame Bush to make it easier. We’ll all understand.

I’ve also conveniently (or inconveniently) included the source of these numbers. This will give the shriekers the chance to either: 1.) claim they come from right wing sources that skew the numbers, or 2.) claim they come from government sources that are too inept to run a profitable organization, and in the same breath tell us why government sources should run our healthcare.

US Population: 304,059,724
on welfare: 30,000,000
(this figure is elusive, as apparently nobody wants to admit just how many people get free money for doing nothing. I’m all for taking every person that receives welfare and sending them to Haiti to dig through debris and assist with construction because at least they would be doing something helpful and learning a trade)
Amish: 227,000
Union members: 15,400,000
Government employees (not including Post Office) 1,800,000
Post office workers: 790,000
Senior citizens: 37,000,000
Nebraska: 1,783,432
Louisiana: 4,410,796

Total not paying for healthcare: 91,411,228

The Dems claim that 45,700,000 don’t have insurance. They include illegals in the country so we’ll just subtract the 9,700,000 illegals in the country and go with 36,000,000.

So, instead of figuring out a way to make healthcare more affordable for the approximately 36,000,000 uninsured people (remember, there’s a slew of them in this number that simply choose NOT to get healthcare), and finding a way to ensure that people with pre-existing conditions can get healthcare, we will be making people pay for a bloated bureaucracy of expanded government control, mandates, and rationing of care.

304,059,724 people
91,411,228 exempt
leaves 212,315,496 to pay for 36,000,000

Oh wait, I forgot, there are 13,200,000 unemployed people now, so:
304,059,724 people
91,411,228 exempt
13,200,000 unemployed and probably now needing healthcare
so that’s actually 104,611,228 exempt
leaves 199,115,496 to pay for it all

Roughly HALF of our population paying for the other half that won’t pay, for 36,000,000 uninsured people.

So, get ready to go to jail if you don’t buy health insurance (from somewhere), and wait a minute... should I include those people in jail who have health care (probably better than some policies you pay for) in the list of exempt?

304,059,724 people
2,424,279 in jail + 91,411,228 exempt +13,200,000, unemployed= 107,035,507
197,024,217 footing the bill

Yeah, that seems reasonable...

Oh, and before you claim that I’m all for social security and medicare, I’m not. I want all of my money back immediately (with interest) so that I can use it how I see fit. I want all monies going to unemployment insurance returned to me so that I can put it into a savings account for the time when I’m out of a job. I don’t sit around and wait for government to help me do anything, I take responsibility for myself. I just wish more of us did.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

My First 2010 Rant

First of all, I would like to announce that I will be pronouncing it Twenty-Ten, just because Two Thousand Ten has more syllables and is annoying. That doesn’t mean that I will mock you if you decide to go with Two Thousand Ten, but others may, so be warned.

Speaking of annoying, I would like to ask that our new Government Health Care system include therapy for those of us who are scared shitless by opening those annoying popping crescent roll containers. Oh you know which ones I’m talking about, and I’m sure the Pillsbury people that load those suckers do so while giggling and picturing people losing fingers or crapping their pants when they somehow make it explode like an errant IED, globs of dough spraying all over. To the butthead that sucked the air out of the “Grands” roll to create a lethal weapon that I opened the other day... YOU SUCK! (btw, that tale about the exploding roll can and the woman “holding her brains” is an urban legend... sorry to burst your bubble)

On another annoying fronts, I’m intrigued by the saga of the Asian Carp. Apparently these are the big fish that are taking over the world and love to leap out of the water and attack people on boats. There’s a war being waged to keep them from swimming up the Mississippi (and yes, I still do that grade school thing to spell that state correctly, so do you and you probably also do that whole knuckles on what month have 31 days thing, so shut up) because they will eat the other fish out of house and home and food.

But if you read the article, it seems that that’s not the only reason why they “aren’t good”. They have small mouths and don’t like to eat worms on hooks, therefore they’ll kill the recreational fishing industry (those who sell worms and fishing licenses because the damn things just jump in boats on their own). This has caused Federal and State officials to do whatever they can to keep the migrating fish from going any farther. Um, we can’t keep illegals out of the country, let alone fish, so I’m guessing this will be another expensive boondoggle that costs taxpayers and will fail.

So, why aren’t we eating these things? Aren’t there starving people all over the world that wouldn’t mind having a tasty bony fish? Of course they would, but we won’t eat them here because they’re CARP! Apparently “we” don’t eat carp, even though the rest of the world does, so why aren’t we exporting these things and making some money from them? Apparently some fishermen have started doing that, and are making good money from it... that’s how we adapt you see... unlike the Liberal Darwin lemmings who think that we have to keep everything the way it is by shutting off water to farmers in California to save a little fish, or spend a gazillion to stop the natural progression of Asian Carp. It seems that those who believe in Darwin (natural selection, survival of the fittest) don’t believe that species can do that by themselves and need “man” to help them survive, missing the whole point entirely. But that’s a whole nother rant about the godless who believe themselves to be god, and for another time.

So, lets rename the stupid things to something tasty sounding... like River Kittens (PETA would approve of that), or better yet: Mississippi Filet. Come on, good marketing made the Talipia (a poop eating bottom feeder) into the haute cuisine of 2009, we can do the same for Asian Carp.