Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Pretty Much Says it all

Sunday, June 21, 2009

If only I had stumps

I think it would be much easier and less painful to walk if I just removed my feet. Body parts should be modular, that way when you have a problem with one, you can just snap it off and replace it with a better part, or a part that isn’t broken. Feeling frisky, snap on some big boobs. Feeling bloated and oogie, snap on some big ol cankles.

I find it highly amusing (not “ha ha” but “good gah”) that I can stand at the supermarket checkout counter while waiting my turn in line and stand on my toes, move my feet around, contort my legs in all sorts of different poses and positions, but I can’t take a freakin step without screaming in pain and gnashing my teeth. Apparently I’ve done something horrible to my feet (no thanks to the Wii) that I’ll be bedridden for the rest of my life.

WAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!!! Seriously, that would be really cool, especially if the government will pay for my mortgage and bills and new computer and all that stuff. Maybe even get a maid paid for and a dog walker, and of course the someone to feed me chocolate and ice cream person and the channel changer (because I may hurt myself fumbling with the remote) and the chef and all that stuff. I’m sure the government will cough up the money to pay for all of that, I certainly can’t be expected to hold down a full-ish time job while in pain, right?

Speaking of not getting paid, apparently some airlines wants its employees to work for free for a month to help the company not go under. Um... excuse me while I laugh so hard I wet myself and have to leave and change my underwear. Is it just me, am I the ONLY person (other than dear hubby of course) that actually HAS to work, and actually HAS to work doing stuff they don’t REALLY WANT to do, and actually weeps in the shower every morning because they HAVE to go to work? I mean, even if I didn’t have debt from buying fun things that allow me to have fun when I’m NOT at work, I’d still be FORCED to work in order to pay for the ROOF over my head, therefore... just how on earth do companies think that the average person can NOT get paid for a month and NOT get thrown out of their house and have all of their goodies taken away????

Apparently companies still need to make a daily influx of money in order to stay open, so how is it that employees are suppose to “buckle up and give a freebie month to the team for the good of the company”, when the company shouldn’t have blown money on stupid crap so they wouldn’t have to ask their employees to work for free for a month. Hey, how about cutting out stupid crap, like bloated CEO salaries and private jets, and percs and benefits for the executives or white collars? eh? Better yet, how about just going under and either going the way of the Beta VCR or having another company buy your junk and started over and probably doing a much better job than you did. That way your employees will get a month off, but they’ll still get paid thanks to the wonderful socialist programs in place that they’ve paid into for years and better get something out of soon because at this rate that money will be long gone what with all the “stimulus” jobs just opening up and creating work for everyone.... just peed myself again.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Pred in the head

You may have noticed the lack or ranting during the whole ivy fiasco and that’s mainly because I can’t keep a simple thought in my head for more than... sonofa, there it goes.

Ivy lesions not draining or itching too much.
I’m barely able to walk because I now have wiichiles tendon issues in both feet, which may be worsened by the pred, but who knows. I walk like a duck and look like a 90 year old going down the stairs. Shut up or I’ll hit you with my cane if I had a cane and frankly I may be needing one. In case you don’t get it, I’ve maimed my achilles tendons while doing Wii Active, therefore I have Wiichiles. I want my name in a medical journal.

Non-stop storming has cause the structural integrity of my hair to lose all mass and float into space aka: I look like Roseanna Roseannadanna and not happy about it. I will be making a hair appointment with my wonderful stylist Katie, who will yell at me for getting the whole bobbed look instead of my normal look and how the hell do I think she can transform me back to my wonderful old hair style now that I’m all layered and have bangs that she warned me were a huge mistake. For this I pay her a lot of money and apologize a lot.

If I’m unable to walk by Wednesday I’ve vowed to call my doctor and either beg for large amounts of painkillers, a wheelchair, bed rest, or permanent disability or at the very least some physical therapy at the place where I had my thumb therapy so I can gaze upon the hunkiness of the head therapy guy. If I’m going to be in pain I may as well derive some enjoyment out of the pain, or short term disability and a cool surgical scar. Of course I can’t have anything that keeps me from my friday hair appointment, because If I’m going to be stuck in bed, I have to have cool hair and if I’m going to physical therapy, I have to have cool hair too. Recovery is dependent upon cool hair.

Watching “What not to wear” last night, only because Loki was asleep on the remote, and NOBODY moves Loki when he’s asleep. I saw absolutely NOTHING wrong with the look before they made the woman into a cheap harlot in a dress and incredibly painful high heels that I would wear if I didn’t have wiichiles, and if my legs weren’t covered in open poison ivy sores that weep. Yeah, I’m totally there except for those little things. I was also forced to watch the show about the primordeal dwarves or whatever they are called. Itty bitty people with squeeky voices. I felt sorry for them especially the 10 year old girl whose 10 year old “friends” totally didn’t stick up for her and include her in stuff, which made me want to find them and drown them. Of course I would never do that, because it would mean I’d have to get out of bed and actually chase them down and with wiichilles that aint’ happening. Besides, they’d make fun of my hair too.

Ok, where was I... last week the water main in front of our house broke and today we still have a big dirt filled hole in the street that is slowly washing away and pretty soon will suck up a car or children. I guess I have to wait for some stimulus thing before they fix my street and replace my dead lawn. I’m guessing the street will get fixed and my lawn will remain dead, just a hunch.

Ok, I’ve rambled enough, so I’ll end on this note: no matter what happens, there’s always time for ice cream, except if you are a Republican.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I've Lost the Will to Live

Its gotta be the pred, all 6 of those vile, melt in your mouth steroid things that are coursing through my body at this moment to stop this ghastly poison ivy itch and give me a huge forehead and make me ineligible to play professional baseball.

Yes, I woke up this morning, rinsed off all the calamine spots and hauled my spotted butt (actually, about the only thing not affected by the poison ivy) to a Minute Clinic, conveniently located not anywhere near where I live because apparently the one near where I live isn’t there any more, even though they built a nice room for it and that’s where I went for some other incredibly badly timed whatever it was give me drugs moments.

The doctor laughed at me while pouring alcohol on everything I touched and gave me a prescription for reducing dose of Prednisone and there I was trying to wash those shit pills down, all 6 of them. I feel bad for my dog who had to take 3 of them reducing dose when we thought he had some kind of horrible auto-immune thing, but it turned out to be JUST Lyme disease (seriously, wish for the Lyme and not the auto-immune because antibiotics takes care of the Lyme, auto-immune is not so happy)... I apologize now to Sam, I’m sorry Sam. You have every right to insist that you shove my 6 melty, foul tasting pills down my throat and blow in my nose.

Ok, so lets take stock of things:

1.) covered in oozing, itchy poison ivy lesions
2.) big honking zit on side of face
3.) Jonesing for either Chantix or a smoke
4.) Still experiencing some foul gastro-intestinal things from former lover Chantix

I am a picture of sexy right now, so what would put some icing right on that cake of ghastly, what could possibly be missing when so much is raining down on me....

why of course, the crowning glory, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top... broken tooth.

Teeth should be much stronger than frozen M&Ms. I do realize that fillings may NOT be as strong as starburst fruit chews, but teeth should be able to withstand some frozen M&Ms, especially since I was eating them one at a time, allowing them to thaw somewhat in my mouth before chewing, WTF.

Of course we don’t have the wonderful Obamacare, where I’m sure that I would be able to just get up and waltz over to one of the 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year free dental clinics he promised us and get something done about this, but no.... my dental horror is premature and I must wait... like everyone else, until Monday to make an appointment with my regular dentist and get it taken care of... spending the next few days eating on the other side and getting sick to my stomach each time I feel the gaping hole with my tongue... OH SONOFA... I think my dentist is closed on Mondays... WTF, that’s 2 days before I can even call and schedule something... where’s that wonderfully free and always available healthcare I’ve been promised???? Would you stop sending Uighur terrorists to tropical vacation spots to be towel boys and get on with that whole new free always available health care program thing so I can get my tooth fixed!!!!!

Damn, now I itch again.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Are those open sores or are you just happy to see me

Oh yes, just as I expected, those vines were definitely poison ivy, either that or I’ve spontaneously broken out in leprosy. Hmmm, thrown into a nice leper colony and left alone for fear of spreading my disease to others.... ok, while tempting, if leprosy itches like poison ivy then I think I’d rather just be killed, or at the very least scratched with a rake until I bled to death. It would be the ecstasy and the agony all wrapped up into one neat bundle.

I’m slathered in some vile smelling concoction cream that screams “STOPS THE ITCH FOR UP TO 8 HOURS” on the box, but this crap has only given me, at most, a half hour of relief before I’m slathering even more on. The color is one shade of caucasian skin tone from the pink calamine crap you normally bathe in for poison ivy, which means its neon tan on my blotchy red-head skin. I look like a leper with bad body make up. I can’t wait for my client meeting tomorrow! First its iced mocha spilled in my lap, now festering sores. Oh, did I mention the huge grotesque zit on the side of my nose. I’m feeling oh so pretty!

We’re suppose to get thunder storms tonight, which means my female husky will claw me in her anxiety over the thunder. I’m actually looking forward to it, since my arms are tired from scratching my oozing skin.

I’m growing more and more confused about this current administration. Did you like how I smoothly transition from my oozing skin to politics?

President Obama won the election based on his promises to certain groups, as most elections are won. Typically it comes as no shock or surprise when none of the campaign promises come to fruition, but it seems particularly odd that not only are President Obama’s campaign promises not coming to fruition, but he’s downright going the other way on issues in some cases.

Cases in point:

“Don’t ask, don’t tell”. Apparently there are millions of gays willing to join the military and serve their country, possibly die in the service of their country... except they object to keeping their sexual orientation from being known. Frankly, I don’t want to hear about anyone’s monogamous man/woman sexual encounters let alone man/man or women/woman sexual encounters, so I think that whole “don’t ask, don’t tell” should apply to everyone’s sexual prowess. I have the same rule for watching video of your baby being born... NOOOOOOO!!!!! President Obama’s campaign promise was: I will repeal it. Today he just told the Supreme Court not to hear a “don’t ask, don’t tell” lawsuit because the military is justified in their actions. He’s also made no move to hurry the military to drop their rule. Gee, if I voted for him because he promised that, I’d be a bit pissed at him right now, wouldn’t you?

Inheriting a deficit. President Obama claims he inherited the financial fiasco from the Bush administration, and the deficit as well. So, what does he do? He hires the same guy that was in charge of the New York financial district (under Bush) to run his IRS and finances, then spends even more money. How does he plan on paying for all of this:

Middle Class won’t be taxed more. Nope, not at all, no higher taxes for the working class people at all, none, nothing nada... except for that VAT thing, and then there’s the cap and trade, and oh yeah, we’ll need to tax your healthcare benefits, and .... did we mention all of those taxes will also affect lower class people too? If I wasn’t lazy I’d play the clip where campaigner Obama laughed, mocked, and all but ran McCain out on a rail for even suggesting that medical benefits be taxed. Still happy about your vote?

Czar, czar, czar. President Obama will point out that several presidents before him had a czar or two, so why shouldn’t he have... 14 and counting? That’s change, isn’t it. Most Presidents had one or two (and they only lasted a few months because czars are just figureheads with power and a huge government aka taxpayer paid paycheck), so I guess you could call it change that President Obama has named a czar for just about everything, even the Great Lakes. I’d also like to point out to Congress and the Senate that by appointing these czars, the President just leap frogged right over your checks and balances and is laughing at you. Can’t wait until he appoints a Congress czar to oversee all of you fat, bloated taxpayer money wasters.

End of Iraq war, capture Bin Laden. President Obama inherited that pesky Iraq war from Bush and vowed to end it... the exact same time that Bush said it would end. OOOOH there’s change you can believe in. President Obama promised to send all of the troops home ... as soon as they get done fighting in Afghanistan... which is what Bush said they would do. OOOOOH there’s some whopping huge change going on there. Hello? War protestors????? Where’s Cindy Sheehan now? Is she planted in front of Obama’s mansion in Chicago demanding the troops be sent home? By the way, for a nation that screams righteous indignation about torturing KNOWN terrorists by pouring water on them, we sure like to bring up that Iraq was about WMDs that weren’t there, forget all about the torturing, murdering, chemical dropping on kurds stuff that Hussein did to his own people... nah, we totally blew that off and only went in because we thought he was gonna nuke us... because we totally hate countries that murder and torture their own people like China,or occupy other countries like China does Tibet. Oh, and where exactly is Bin Laden?

Try the Gitmo terrorists and close Gitmo. Ok, so he said Gitmo will close, but any word on those fair trials? Putting the cart before the horse by trying to farm them out to other countries, who (for some odd reason) don’t want them?

Monitoring U.S. Citizens. Campaigner Obama said how horrible that was, what a horrible disgrace, and that just poops on the constitution... oh wait... we’ll be keeping that one... can’t be all transparent and tell you why, just trust me... and here’s a nice GM car with only one owner, great gas mileage and all.

Where’s that free college for volunteer work?

Why do we need a border czar when he promised to make immigrating into the US easier for those poor, hard working immigrants?

Speaking of transparency, why did his VP just say that stimulus money was being wasted and there was no way to account for a lot of it? Wow, that’s definitely a change right there.

The Speaker of the House says the CIA is full of liars and misleads congress. Why isn’t the government looking into that and getting rid of that agency full of liar liar pants on fires?

Why haven’t mortgage companies that sold poor innocent people mortgages to houses they couldn’t possibly afford been prosecuted?

Why is President Obama continuing the Bush tradition of rewarding irresponsible money grubbing banks and businesses with more and more money instead of giving that money to the people who really need it?

Why are people still losing their homes?

Why are people still losing their jobs?

Where’s our free healthcare, no taxes, someone else paying my mortgage, car and credit car payments like he promised?

Why aren’t I rich already?

I’m sure none of this is President Obama’s fault. I think its the fault of the Congress and Senate! Even though they say they’re democrats and for President Obama, I think they’re secretly keeping him from doing what he needs to do to save our country. If you love President Obama, I think you should vote every existing Senator and Congress person out of office. Even if they aren’t the appropriate party, I’m sure the only ones running are those who feel they can help President Obama fulfill all of his campaign promises. Its apparent that the ones in there now aren’t helping him at all.


Sunday, June 07, 2009

More Czars than you can shake a stick at

This whole "czar" thing really pisses me off to no end. Hey, lets just bypass all of the rules that we've been using for a gazillion years when we first created this country, and appoint just anyone to oversee things that are already overseen by other government agencies.

It would be like going to a McDonalds and ordering a burger, but when you tell the cashier you want a burger, she steps aside and the Cash register czar asks you again what you want.

Cash Register Czar turns to cashier and repeats "Burger"
Cashier turns to burger maker and says "burger"
burger maker turns to burger maker czar and says "burger"
burger maker czar nods head and tells burger maker "burger"
burger maker makes burger and gives it to the wrapping person
wrapping person, under the purview of the wrapping czar wraps burger, shows burger to wrapping czar, wrapping czar oks the burger.
Wrapping person hands wrapped burger to cashier, who shows it to cash register czar, who approves of burger, burger is handed to you, and you pay $1,596.53 for your burger because what should have taken 3 people to do, you are now paying for 3 people and three managers who do absolutely nothing.

Why do we need a border czar when we had the Border Patrol, then the Department of Homeland Security (which the Border Patrol now falls under) and now we need a border czar? If Border Patrol and DHS can't do their job, then fire them and create whatever you want, but don't be adding more bureaucracy with my tax money and tell me we need a border czar. No, we need an agency or person, or even a trained dog to make our borders safe and do it within a reasonable amount of money.

If I was a company and got hired to do a job, and I told the person hiring me "Ya know, I can't do this job, but I'm going to hire someone that can and you can pay us both", I'd get kicked out of that job and whoever hired me would keep the competent person on the payroll.

With government, that doesn't happen. With government, you create an agency. The agency is inept and wastes money. You hire someone to look into the agency and streamline it. The person hired to look into the agency and streamline it turns into a leech and is there forever now. Eventually the agency to look into the agency stops doing what it does and then you have to hire another agency to oversee the agency that oversees the agency.

Once government is created, it never goes away, it just grows and grows, like athlete's foot or the black toxic mold. Instead of finding ways to save money and do their jobs, the government looks to ways to generate more revenue to pay for the jobs they've created, and for the jobs they want to create in the future, without having any sort of business plan.

So, has anyone seen the plan for the new Health care yet? Anyone? Any idea who is and isn't covered, what the premiums are, if you get to pick and choose your own doctors, what prescriptions are covered, who is going to pay the doctors, hospitals, etc.? No? Well, no wonder nobody knows what it'll cost. Even the smallest new business has to provide potential investors with a business plan before one dime gets shelled out... why shouldn't WE, the people, be allowed to review the business plan for this new wonderful healthcare system to determine whether our money is worth investing into this glorious new way of healthcare (that has already failed in most socialists countries).

At the very least, as a potential investor of this new healthcare, I should have the right to opt out of investing in it if I don't think its a good investment. Why should my money go toward a bad investment... like a failing car business, or a failing bank, or failing insurance company.

P.S. You all do know that GM will NEVER fail, right? It'll be incredibly successful because the government will just keep shoveling money into that raging inferno of suck and declare it a success, even if they don't ever sell a single car ever again. After all, its a government business now, it doesn't have to ever make money... like the rest of the government. It'll just keep sucking.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Gardening for neurotics

Ok, so I started with two flower beds in the front of the house that were filled with weeds and two half-dead bushes. No amount of willing it to be filled with “wildflowers” would make it less grotesque, so I ripped out the weeds and cut the half-dead bushes down to stumps.

Removing half-dead bush stumps proved too taxing after 5 minutes of trying to dig them up, so I just covered them with weed barrier and dumped 6 bags of mulch over them... not nearly enough mulch, but one interesting thing about mulch when the bag rips and it gets wet... its NASTY. Not as nasty as finding the maggot covered cat poop with my bare knee, but nasty still.

I put the decorative little wooden things around the two trees in front, but didn’t have enough mulch to put in the decorative little wooden things, so it looks like gardening done by a moron (namely me).

I’m pretty sure the vine thing growing between my edge of property and along the stupid worthless picket fence thing the crappy neighbors have allowed to gone to shit is actually poison ivy, and it really didn’t want to come out of the ground when I pulled it, nor did its vines want to be cute with the sewing scissors I brought out (because my poisonous vine cutters are in the storage room where they were used to cut up about 500lbs of styrofoam from various and sundry empty computer boxes that we were paying $165.00 a month to store... we’re taking care of that, so shut up).

Anyhoo, it was after I had ripped the probably poison ivy out of the ground and in the process rubbing it over my entire body except for the part covered in cat poop and maggots that I realized that crappy neighbor’s trees were leaning into my yard directly over my heat pump.

Crappy neighbors seemed nice enough when they moved in, but much like fish... went sour really quick when apparently they didn’t realize that homeownership requires maintenance. The first to go was the in ground pool, which they didn’t take care of and soon the liner ripped. To solve that problem, they proceeded to dump fill dirt filled with rocks into it. I think what they were aiming for was to just fill it in, but apparently had no clue that it would take half of the earth to fill in, so they gave up about 1/3 filled. In another brilliant move, they felt that since it was 1/3 filled with crappy dirt, they could just rake their leaves into it. That coupled with a good downpour or twenty created mosquito heaven. So they covered it and pretended it wasn’t there.

About 2 months ago a “pod” showed up on the driveway, and sporadically we see them carrying things out, so the pod, the fact that they haven’t mowed their grass since spring (3 months ago) and nobody ever around makes us think that they’ve foreclosed or just ran away. In the meantime we have a little amazon jungle growing next door, complete with malaria pool, and large trees sprouting right next to our fence. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Now, I didn’t trespass at all, in the sense that not one part of my body set foot or otherwise on their property. I don’t consider leaning over their fence on a ladder and sawing half of their tree down trespassing, but I do consider half a tree leaning into my yard and pressing against my fence a bit of an issue.

I do hope they come by to pick up more of their junk tomorrow. They might even think “hey, that looks like half of my tree neatly cut into a pile laying on our neighbor’s curb (if we had a fucking curb, cheap ass county and their $2.4 million in recycling and we don’t have a curb or a fricken street light)

I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be bitching about being covered in open sores.

The Newest Czar


Dear Chantix

Its been 67 days since I had a smoke.... oh glorious nicotine, how I miss you, and a decent dream that didn’t involve something stupid like Kinkajou herding in a suit of armor, or raining peeps (which seems like a fun thing until the fuckers start melting all over your car, then what are you gonna do), and I tried going off of you after day 60, because seriously how hard should it be to kick a 20 year habit and by then I would think that my body would have oozed out all of the nicotine from my system already, but NOOOOO.

I started craving yesterday and getting all antsy (which is a nice way of saying pissy and wanting to kill people), so back at the pills I go as of this morning. I was just getting use to not having strange dreams and being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, but then again I did start crying at little things, like running out of pimento dip or having to put dishes in the dishwasher.

I tried something called “Rescue Remedy” which is touted as a natural sedative for dog anxiety, but in human form, and I did intend to give it to my dog during thunderstorms to keep her from panting and clawing me bloody, but since that didn’t work I figured I’d just take it and not care that she was panting and clawing me bloody, but it only lasts for a half hour at best and then I was back to wanting to strangle people and crying over Scooter Store commercials.

I find it ironic that someone on Facebook suggested I go to the vet and get some Xanax for my dog to calm her during thunderstorms, and frankly that was pretty much the last straw for me as far as life and my expensive medical plan goes. If I can just walk into a vet and get Xanax for my dog when I can’t even get my personal physician to prescribe some for me no matter how manic depressive I act when I go in there, then the world is so totally screwed up that I can’t even begin to fit in anywhere.

So, dear Chantix, I will renew my prescription AGAIN and keep taking you, even with the stupid dreams and the messed up gastro-intestinal fest, until such time that I can find a licensed physician to prescribe me something to “take the edge off” of life or the next election, whichever comes first.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Or What????

Get home from a rough day of paying for everyone else’s healthcare, credit cards, homes, cars, and colleges and find one of those little door hangers hanging on our door.

Printed from recycled paper is a little notice that says:

“Your neighborhood has been selected to be part of a study to increase recycling. Over the next few months, your recycling rate will be tracked and reported to you in an effort to help your community reach the 50% recycling goal.”

I’m not making this up, here’s a picture of the stupid thing.

Recycling nazis will apparently go through my trash to ensure that I’m recycling to my fullest potential.

Ok, so A.) I never agreed to a 50% recycling goal, was never told there was a “goal” and frankly if the County average is 34%, setting the bar at 50% is waaay too fricken optimistic and puts too much pressure on me.

B.) Do you see the “31%” seemingly handwritten there to make it look as though this whole thing is planned and someone went through and hand wrote the percentage of your community in (after doing an extensive and expensive tax payer paid study of recycling trends per section of county) and not only wrote in a pen the “rate” but was able to use simple addition and subtraction to let us all know what percentage more we need to strive for... except its not written, its printed on there. They just made it look like someone put some effort into the whole thing.

C.) Who the hell is going to sort through my trash to figure out if I’m “complying” or not? Can’t whoever is digging through my trash pull out the bottle or two that is in the trash for me? Why should I bother even separating anything if people will be sorting through my trash. I’m apparently paying them to sort through trash, so sort through my trash so I don’t have to do it.

D.) What if I’m actually recycling to my full potential but my neighbor: CHINA, refuses to recycle. China is going to pull the whole community into not making the recycling goal, we’ll all be locked up and forced to dig through other community trash and sort it.

E.) Last year the county made $2.4 MILLION in recycled junk. Um, why am I still paying to have my trash picked up? With that money you can pay the trash people to not only pick it up, but sort through it. Why am I working to make the county millions and not getting ANYTHING for all of my hard work? I’m sure most of that money is now going to paying people to police the plastics, and for that nifty web site that won’t let you close it or navigate away from it, and provides you with NO useful information whatsoever. Damn, I really need to get a cushy gig like that.

So, at any moment I expect a knock on the door. Some large thug will be holding a bottle that I threw in with the regular trash and he’ll send his henchmen in to break my legs or something. Perhaps they’ll paint something on my house to let my neighbors know that I have shamed the community with my willy nilly recycling practices. I could actually be burned at the stake at this rate because I purposefully tossed plastic fruit containers and a bottle into the normal trash just now, just to spite the recycling nazis. I obviously hate the earth and want to kill it... I’m an earth killer, what with my normal non-mercury lightbulbs and not taking recycling seriously. I’ll be on the run soon, my picture on a poster at the post office, one of the FBI most wanted for putting styrofoam into the yellow bin.

I’m such a bastard! As more recycled door hangers come, I’ll let you know just how well my community does with our “challenge” unless I’m in some plastic recycling gulag.

(Please note that under the door thing is a pad of paper that is recycled, made from sugar cane refuse or something stupid, and the lines are soy ink... I buy that crappy paper because I like writing on it and because in the next month or two I'll be serving it for dinner when the economy totally collapses)

Monday, June 01, 2009

Thank you for buying Government Motors

Salesman: You’ve made a wise choice with the new 2009 GM Hope.

Buyer: It was a tough choice between the GM Change, but I like the GM Hope a lot more.

Salesman: Most people prefer the Hope over Change, and you won’t be sorry. Now, lets add up these pesky prices and get you on your way down the road. There’s tax, tags, VAT, Green fee...

Buyer: VAT? Green fee?

Salesman: oh yes, the valued added tax goes toward the health care plan. After all, you are driving a car that may hurt someone that can’t afford health insurance, so I’m sure you don’t mind making sure that any potential victims you mow down will have adequate health insurance.

Buyer: um, I guess so, but what about the Green fee, its not a golf cart.

Salesman: oh it sure isn’t a golf cart because golf carts go much faster than the GM Hope, no the Green tax will cover the manufacturing of all of the parts that we think you’ll need over the lifetime of the car, and the disposal of used parts during the lifetime of your car to ensure that the parts do not contaminate landfills and cause the earth to warm up and die.

Buyer: oh... ok, I guess. I mean how many parts could it need?

Salesman: well, there are the oil changes every 150 miles, and the ...

Buyer: every 150 miles??? Why does it need oil every 150 miles?

Salesman: well, the 2009 GM Hope was built using only green technology, so it uses a very special ecologically safe and natural type of oil found only in certain parts of Saudi Arabia and is sucked out of the earth using straws to ensure that the land is not damaged. As you can imagine, its very expensive, but only clean emissions are expelled from the car and the ozone is left intact.

Buyer: Wow, every 150 miles, that’s not too many trips to work and back

Salesman: well, its one way that GM has provided the consumer with adequate motivation to conserve energy and keep the earth clean. As a matter of fact, if the car goes 151 miles, it freezes up and won’t move until it is brought in for service.

Buyer: um, I’m not feeling too good about the 2009 Hope anymore

Salesman: oh, but you will when you get on the road and feel the wind whipping through your hair at 5 mph.

Buyer: I guess that’s because it doesn’t have a windshield.

Salesman: well that’s to keep the weight of the car down so that the 9 volt battery can charge the engine. Ok, so once we’ve added up all the applicable charges, we’ll sign you up for a genuine GM loan with 35% interest for the low price of $56,000.

Buyer: oh my GAWD why is it so expensive?

Salesman: well, after all, it is made in American with union pride and all, and to ensure that only the best parts are used, we had to put out a request for proposal using our transparent contract issuance procedures, and you’ll be pleased to know that our benefactor, China, won the contract and is providing all of the parts. We’ve also included the price of at least 4 more 2009 GM Hopes into your loan to give to those who can’t afford to buy their own. Sign here on the dotted line or we’ll release the names and addresses of your loved ones and their salary information to the press and have a wonderful day!