Thursday, April 30, 2009

The news in a nutshell (as told by a nut)

1.) Larabars taste like poop, I chewed twice and spit it out in the trash. How can someone make apples into a vile gooey concoction? How hard is it to make tasty food that’s good for you? Really? Next time I’ll just buy a freakin apple.

2.) Personal spending is up, which everyone seems to think is a good thing, but I happen to think that since joblessness is way up, mortgage foreclosures are way up, that recently unemployed people are blowing money like the wind and won’t be able to pay it off if they can’t get a job... but that’s just what I would do. You know, cartons and cartons of little debbie snack cakes shoved in the back of the house to last me during those lean times.

3.) U.S. Taxpayers will provide assistance to P.O.W.s released from Guantanamo to “ease their transition” back into mainstream society.... um, no.

4.) This morning I was driving to work, going the speed limit. A truck whipped up behind me, obviously in a hurry (um, leave earlier next time butthead) and started doing that slight weaving back and force, impatient, right on my bumper passive aggressive things. I remained at the speed limit and may have slowed down a tad. I really do think that these types of people need to be culled from the gene pool, as he was obviously close enough to read the NRA sticker on my window and yet still pissed me off for 3 miles.

5.) Mexico shuts down until Cinco de Mayo... clever marketing ploy or swine flu. Heck, I’ll take a mandatory 5 days vacation. Oh sure, my company won’t pay for it, but I figure the government will... oh wait, I’m a U.S. citizen, so I don’t get stuff like that, I just pay other people to have time off and stuff. That’s ok, I’m convinced that the swine flu is a global conspiracy to rid the world of non-breeders. Here’s how it works: we don’t close the borders because the horse is already out of the barn, but we close schools (who apparently don’t have horses). Kids not going to school means going to daycare, but I’m sure they’ll also close daycare, which means parents (breeders) have to stay home with their kids who are out of school. That leaves (as usual) the people who don’t breed (the workers) at the workplace. They are destined to get swine flu because some idiot who is sick always comes in when he/she is sick because THEY’RE JUST THAT (self) IMPORTANT... thus contaminating all workers, leaving only the breeders, whose sole function is to continue popping out more taxpayers to pay to keep the government rolling in dough and flying Air Force One over previously terrorized cities and showing the video of screaming crapping their pants people on Youtube so they can beat Susan Boyle in video viewing count. Oh sure, sounds bizarre, but just mark my words...

6.) Just how many stupid press conferences does this administration have to have? It seems like one has one, then someone has to come on to explain exactly what the other meant, or to repeat what the other said, then someone else has one to go over what was said and clarify what someone said last week, or to tell someone they’re sorry about the U.S. doing something or other. For instance, VP Biden said on NBC Today that he’s telling his family not to ride in confined things because if you’re in a field and sneeze a tree falls but nobody hears it, but if you take the subway to Mexico you’ll die... or something like that. Promptly an hour later there was a press conference to say that the entire world misunderstood VP Biden who clearly said to wash your hands. Then Janet My entire body could block the Mexican border Napalatano or however you spell her name came out and said that horses were running freely, gramps fell into the well and the U.S. was sorry, and VP Biden was very wise to instruct people not to use their hands as a kleenex. Transparency doesn’t mean pre-empting everything on tv to remind us to wash our hands after we let the horse out of the barn, our mothers taught us that when we were really young and frankly having a President talking about peeing is pretty disgusting... what... that’s not what he meant? Never mind.

7.) You rotten selfish bastard Chrysler investors how dare you want to break even on your investment and put your selfish economic interests ahead of and to the detriment of the national interest...I didn’t say that, the White House did and shortly afterwards, the peaceful ACORN activists lynched the children of the Chrysler investors and were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for saving the car company for the good of the people... or something like that.

8.) Hey, speaking of toxic assets, has anyone heard how many private investors have bought those nasty, stinky, bad mortgages for the good of the country? Yeah, me either.

9.) While not on the news, I actually had to buy canned dog food and some pee remover stuff, so I went to Petsmart and bought a case of canned dog food and a gallon of pee stink remover and plopped it on the counter. As I was signing the credit card slip, the cashier asked me what kind of dog I had. I picked up the stuff and said “I don’t have a dog” and walked out. I think I heard her head explode behind me. I did contemplate peeing myself on the way out, but I had three meetings that afternoon, and that’s kinda hard to explain, even for a good joke.

10.) This weekend my friend Icky is coming up to visit and we’re going thrift shopping and stuff... I have paper masks... oh you know what fun we’ll be having! heheheheheee

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The General Rant

First of all, Chantix... what the hell are you smoking?

And now for the rant:

There was a car wreck at a car race (I’ll pause a moment while you soak that newsflash in) and people are now concerned for the safety of people sitting right next to the track and whether the flimsy chain link fence is enough protection... stop laughing, this is serious!

Ok: 1.) Car races are clogging the ozone with CO2 emissions and cause global warming so where’s big head ALGORE bitching about shutting them down and

B.) If people are too stupid to sit away from speeding cars, then screw them.

The whole swine flu thing... Janet I’m a dumbass Napalotano or however you spell her name said, and I quote: “Why should we close the borders... the flu is already in the states, besides it would affect commerce”. Translation: I’m a moron and didn’t think that not ALL of the contiguous United States was affected and by stopping infected people before they come in we may slow the spread and contain it, but noooooo, we can’t have people NOT going to Disney and spending money (that their uncle Illardo worked under the table in the U.S. to mail to them). Ok, if that logic doesn’t work, then how about: if you don’t close the borders then all of the taxpayers will get sick and die and there will be nobody left to pay for your stupid “No Child Left Inside” crap. I bet that gets them moving.

Acting CDC person (because we don’t have a real one, therefore we have a stand-in who forgets his lines and misses his cue) says not to come into work if you feel sick and cover your mouth. Thanks mom, great advice. Um, unfortunately in the REAL world, people only get about 3 vacation days a year and that includes sick time, so they come into work with severed appendages, projective vomiting isn’t going to stop them from showing up and infecting the rest of the building. Frankly if I get it, I’m hunting down the moron coming into work and using HIS/HER vacation days.

News people and Government officials (real and actors) are puzzled over why so many people have died in Mexico but so far (knock on wood) nobody has died in the states. Oh really. Come on, get some balls and say it... ok, I will:
because we have a much better capitalistic healthcare system than the socialized piece of crap health care system in Mexico???? Just a guess. But we can’t admit that, it would tip the balance of the earth so far right people would be thrown into outer space.

Speaking of acting government types, apparently that incompetent White House press secretary Gibbs said that the swine flu response was not hindered by not having a Health and Human Services head... fantastic! That means we didn’t need one in the first place, so lets save some taxpayer money and not hire a new person and just have whoever was handling it in the first place do it for whatever crappy pay they were already getting. That happens all the time in the public sector, its called a “promotion”.

When asked about the New York City Air Force One incident yesterday, Gibbs referred reporters to the White House.... UM.... hello? Speaking of Scare Force One... how much did that photo cost the taxpayers. Doesn’t anyone on the Government payroll know Photoshop?

If the government takes over GM (Government Motors.... how appropriate, they won’t even have to spend $1.2 million for a new brand), its doomed for failure. How many people would buy a car from the government? Besides, nobody could afford it after the cost over-runs and the contractors put the trunk in the back seat and the engine is an optional accessory. I hope I get to write the manual for that one, I predict at least a 7,000 pager with pretty pictures... it’ll fit in the trunk that’s in the back seat.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Now Where Was I?

Oh yeah, I was bitching about something probably. Well, here’s a continuation (as if you expected anything less). For some reason my computer is typing very slow, either that or I’ve somehow developed superhuman powers that allow me to type so fast that the computer can’t keep up with me. Its very annoying (I just had to wait a full minute to type that it was annoying because the computer is so slow.)

Anyhoo, (by the way, closing some of my million open applications seems to have sped it up), as you can tell I’m still a bit scatterbrained and frankly I think that I was probably that way all along, but the nicotine of smoking opened brain cells or fed them or something, giving me the appearance of intelligence and concentration... I’m thinking that instead of giving kids rytalin, they should let them smoke. (I’d also like to point out that I tried spelling Rytalin 15 different ways, which were all wrong, but somehow managed to spell it correctly for a google search, oops, there I go again).

I got a newsletter from my Congressman, who apparently thinks its just spiffy keen to spend taxpayer’s money willy nilly. You can only imagine the sound of my head exploding when I was reading all about the “no Child Left Inside” initiative that cost us all a gazillion bucks to teach kids all about global warming. Hey, how about we decide whether or not this crap is even real first before we start teaching poor Johnny, who can’t read in the first place, all about mercury laden lightbulbs and becoming the “American Youth” and turning his parents in for not sorting their trash (that ends up in the same landfill no matter how well you sort it and put it into different “special” containers). I’m all for a “no child left inside abandoned refrigerators” or a “no child left inside a hot car in summer” but for the love of GAH, the little brats can’t even count change back at their fast food joint after school gigs to afford to buy weed, and you want them to learn about wind turbines?

Oh, and about the whole recycling thing that you spend a gazillion hours a week carefully rinsing and sorting all of your paper and metal and crap and putting them in special bins on the curb, did you know that your recycling center is taking your trash and selling it? Yep, there use to be recycling centers where people could take their paper, cans, and junk and trade it in for a few bucks, so there was a little something you got at the end of the month, but NOOOO, your local government said “hey, why don’t we make the people do that, but GIVE it to us in the name of saving the earth, then we’ll take all of their stuff in bulk and get a ton of money and blow it on fancy staff cars for us and tax the shit out of them for other junk.

Yeah, hahaha, jokes on us.

P.S. non-smoking update: still not smoking and now I can almost walk down a street and not want to bash the head in of a smoker and take their smoke... almost.

P.S.S. Of course I would never bash in someone’s head for a smoke... that’s why I have a weapon.

P.S.S.S. Of course I would never use my weapon to harm anyone unless they were physically breaking into my house and then only in self defense and I hope the bastard has a smoke on them so I can have one while I’m waiting for the police.

P.S.S.S.S. no really, I hope they bring some smokes.

Monday, April 20, 2009

What Day is it? Where have I been?

Of course the moment I sat down I hear the toilet still running and had to go jiggle the handle, which meant I was off distracted by something else (pretty lights) and just now got back here after an hour of wandering around the house trying to figure out what the heck I was actually doing before the toilet handle jiggle.

Ok, just a few ramblings, and I expect you’ll want to know how the whole Chantix (Hi lover) is doing so far. Still gaseous, bloated, cranky, and don’t care. So, there’s the update.

A few days ago the twitter-verse was all typing about how there was some competition between Ashton Kutcher and CNN as to who would become the first to get a million followers. Seeing how I loathe, despise, and spit on CNN more than Ashton (who the hell is that, oh the kid married to Demi Moore) Kutcher, so I started following Kutcher to help him win over CNN, which he did, yahoo, there was much rejoicing and apparently some people that needed mosquito nets got them and it was a good thing and all, but... I couldn’t get rid of him once I was following him. No amount of unfollow, go away, block, or restraining order would get rid of his inane ranting (and no, I don’t want to hear about your colon cleansing... maybe I do from someone I actually know, but not you). I finally was able to block him, I think... I keep waiting for him to pop up again and tell me all about Demi’s stretch marks... which I would be interested in hearing about actually... but nothing else.

I see in the news that one of the Slum Dog Millionaire star’s father is trying to sell the kid. Apparently the general populace is against that for some reason. Ok, seriously, they didn’t seem that concerned when the father rented the kid to Hollywood and got the star treatment. They also didn’t seem that concerned that the price for renting the kid amounted to 2 goats, 4 sacks of rice and a house in the sewer fields where they currently live in a cardboard box (all attempts to move them to a dung pile was rejected because they didn’t want to send their daughter to a new dump to dig for food, since all of her friends were at the sewage pile dump and they were afraid she wouldn’t adapt well). I mean there are people right here in this country that rent out their womb with a view as surrogates and that’s all peachy keen, so at what age isn’t it ok to sell your kid? You can abort them, sell them straight from the womb, adopt them out, but you can’t sell them? You totally expect social services to swoop in after she’s lived in a chicken pen for 10 years and declare the chicken coop unfit, then whoop and celebrate when they go and sell her off to some celebrity? Why can’t the family reap some rewards for a change?

I’m going to introduce a bill into Congress that allows workers to body slam and kick co-workers who stand in doorways, or in the middle of a hall, or in front of the coffee maker and have conversations. I figure it won’t pass unless I add the amendment that says all workers have to attend mandatory body slam and kicking classes that cost roughly 3.3 trillion dollars.

Slim Fast 4 hour protein bars are REALLY freakin tasty, but they last about 30 seconds before you want more food. I guess eating the entire box in one sitting defeats the purpose of them entirely. Who knew that a “serving” of Tums was 10 calories. I guess I’d better stop eating them as guilt free snacks then.

A New York lawmaker wants to outlaw fast food places less than 500 feet from schools. Since most schools banned Physical Education years back and now are puzzled about the whole child obesity problem, it must be fast food too close to schools. By banning them and making them at least 501 feet away, the kids will have to walk farther for a Big Mac and the schools can say that they’ve implemented a Physical Education program and get money for it. Ok, only the first two sentences are true, which still makes the law asinine and the lawmaker an asshat. The lawmaker actually had the gall to say “Government has to make it easier to be a parent”. Then why the hell did government mandate the distribution of condoms in schools, eh? Freakin morons. Oh! Looking back I think what he meant by that was that the Government should take over as a parent so parents can go score some crack shortly before they collect their unemployment. Gotcha, I’m tracking with you now. Oh wait, he gave an example: His kid whines and cries to go to McDonalds and he has to say NO, like the big meanie he is, and since he’s a spineless asshat, he can’t deprive his loving 300lb third grader another Big Mac, so by moving the fast food away from the schools, he won’t have to actually teach his mammoth kid that just because you cry, scream, call your parents names, and throw a tantrum like how the majority of today’s society acts, people just give in and give you whatever you want to shut you up. I get it!

Yep, that’s about it for today.

Ok, I just had to add that I just got an e-mail from Fedex telling me to act now and save 21%, so I need to go find something to Fedex to someone just so I can save 21%... hey, if Department of Homeland Security can “save” $52 million by buying office supplies in bulk, I can “save” money by mailing something I didn’t need to mail. See, I get the whole stimulus thing.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sweet Chantix, huh?

I see that either an automated googler has thrown a standardized blog comment on my blog, or Chantix is actually spying on me, and seems non too pleased that I’m not having a zippity doo dah, bluebird on my shoulder experience with their smoking cessation pill. Hey Chantix, at least you aren’t the makers of the Commit lozenges because seriously those do taste like ass.

So, Chantix blog commenter points out that the only reason my doctor prescribed it was because the benefit of horrible gas pains, bloating, nausea, and constipation were WAY much better than smoking... last night as I writhed in pain I would have begged to differ on that one. The REAL reason my doctor handed over an RX was my weeping and begging on the phone so I wouldn’t have to suck on ass lozenges anymore, and frankly, my doctor doesn’t have to sleep next to me when I waft the covers, so of course she’ll write me a script for it.

I’m curious dear Chantix blog commenter, if I had said that Chantix impregnated me with zombie babies, would you still insist that zombie babies were a minor side effect and much better than smoking, because I’m pretty sure the anti-zombie coalition would be all up your ass on that one, and frankly I’d take smoking over giving birth to some brain eating zombie, unless of course I could do it at work and sit back, smoke and watch the carnage. Might I also point out the whole not pooping for... forever and fear of perforated bowel thing, which I don’t consider a minor side effect even if you insist.

Ok, just so everyone relaxes, and please feel free to have a party with cake at the announcement that the genie is out of the bottle... um... the fireworks have started... the cat is out of the bag... OH FOR GAWD’S SAKE I POOPED ALL RIGHT??? My gah, do I have to spell everything out for all of you? I was going to go into great detail about how it happened at work where we have “green” toilets that require you to sort your bodily functions as “up for #1, down for #2”, and how it totally took three down knobs, and got a comment from the rude woman who TOTALLY did not respect one stall empty rules and deserved what she got... but I figured that might be TMI. Oh wait, I don’t care still, so there you have it.

Yeah, so there’s a huge load off my mind, among other places, except now I can’t seem to stop pooping. Add that to the list of non-blue bird on my shoulder Chantix shenanigans.

They should really add the cravings for strange things minor symptom on the box because today I craved Egg Salad. Ok, I craved it last night when my friend Icky texted me about having never eaten egg salad, but I had guacamole (mmmm guacamole) so I didn’t care, but around lunch time I really cared and wanted one. I expect that tomorrow I’ll develop a craving for pickle pigs feet (the kind you find in the jar at run down gas stations), a beer, and perhaps some baked beans.

Ok, random thoughts of the day, as told by someone distracted by anything that moves:

1.) Apparently a volcano is erupting on the Galapagos islands and threatening rare wild life that only grows on that island. Protestors are demanding that the volcano cease erupting to protect the wild life, or demand that the volcano move some place else. The U.S. Government is suing the volcano for violating emission standards and contributing to climate chaos.

2.) Kids are grinding smarties, inhaling them and blowing smartie dust out of their mouths and noses. Experts concerned this will lead to smoking. I’m concerned that the experts aren’t more concerned about the IQ of these kids, and the fact a health care officials warned that maggots will get in their noses.

3.) The FAMILY easter egg hunt was entertained by Fergie and Ziggy Marley. Ziggy wowed the audience with his rendition of “I shot the sheriff” and “Pass the koutchi” while Fergie performed a strip tease on the stage and pretended to masturbate. (Ok, Ziggy Marley actually does charitable work and good things, but I couldn’t resist, as for Fergie, well... here’s a review from Icky (who is a mom with tattoos and piercings) on the both of them:
“Let's see, role models...isn't he a pot smoker (even if it's his religion) and I'm guessing you mean Fergie the singer and not the Duchess of York (I like her)...Fergie the singer, who usually has her ass hanging out of her skirt, i mean belt, no i think it's a skirt. where her songs are all pop music drivil, unlike Pink who at least has some decent emotions in her songs and even a hint of do you own thing grrrl. Ziggy is pretty good looking though, plus his comic strip was usually pretty funny”

4.) The Wii thinks I’m an uncoordinated moron, but my BMI and weight are just hunky dorey, which means the Wii is a liar liar pants on fire and can’t detect the inner tube of goo around my waist that needs either toning or sucked out with a shop vac. It also thinks I’m 8 years older than I really am because my balance sucks... either that or it can sense the walker on the Wii fit pad.

5.) If you don’t run a lot (or ever) and you get a Wii, don’t forget a sports bra (this will pertain to some men as well actually) and they have Wii wrist and arm bands, Wii water bottle, Wii towel, why the hell don’t they have a fricken Wii bra right there?

6.) I saw a syringe plunger laying in the hall of my workplace. I have no idea, but damn nobody shared. Which brings me to:

6a.) Apparently Florida is contemplating tracking prescription drugs because people are getting thousands of controlled substances prescribed to them and selling them for $5 a pill. Are YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I swear I had my leg severed by a lawn mower and all they gave me was three 600mg motrins with no refill!!!! Ok, I didn’t sever my leg with a lawn mower, and they were actually 800mg motrins, but still!!!!?????

7.) See the new Disney film called “Earth” and Disney will plant a tree. Perfect deal for Inactivists. What did you do to save the earth? Drove to a theater, ate popcorn and soda, watched a movie. Way to go!

8.) Peanut munch has been improved so much that it now tastes like particle board.

9.) Drinking green tea with antioxidants will keep you from rusting and deflect William Ayers... get it... free radical... shut up.

10.) Hallmark laying off a bazillion people just because all of you selfish bastards don’t care to send the very best... I hope you are happy.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Procrastination, its an art form

Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to blog all about the whole quitting smoking thing, but apparently one of the gifts of Chantix is a raging “I don’t give a crap about anything” attitude, which includes housework, breathing, that sort of thing.

I’m a professional procrastinator by trade, but I was a worrying procrastinator. I wouldn’t do something on my list, then I would worry about it, berate myself privately (in my head... sometimes) about not getting something simple done and vowing to do it the next day, then repeat.

The wonders of Chantix have apparently freed me from the grip of worry. Now I seriously don’t give a rat’s ass if stuff gets done or not. Whatever, F it. This would probably explain why I agreed to get a Wii Fit and other Wii gear today. Well, that and I feel like a big bloated toad and ever since hubby quit smoking he’s gained a few suit sizes. What better way to lose weight than playing games in your house. Also good for relieving stress so you aren’t tempted to strangle the dry cleaning lady who asks three times what kind of starch you want in the shirts... really, how loud must I scream?

Part of the issue with me at the moment seems to be a feeling of fullness, and simply put, thanks to another beautious side effect of Chantix, I can’t remember the last time I poo’d. Guess I should have thrown a TMI warning in front of that, but hey, deal with it because remember... I don’t care.

So, yeah, I figure that any day now I’ll explode or perforate a bowel or something, but hey... I’m not smoking, so whoot! Frankly, I’m quite pleased that I have the trifecta or whatever of common symptoms and relieved I don’t have the last one because frankly I would do whatever it takes NOT to puke.

Anyhoo, it was off to my favorite place, Target, to get the Wii Fit thing, because they didn’t have any at the local Buy More (aka Best Buy in case you aren’t a “Chuck” geek), and that’s where hubby had reserved all of the other stuff... but they were out of the Fit, so I trudged to Target.

Another lovely symptom that isn’t listed on the Chantix list of crap you’ll suffer through to become a non-smoker is the “distracted by shiny objects” symptom. I’m actually quite dangerous on the road on this crap because I’m ALL OVER THE PLACE except on the road looking at pretty things, staring at buzzards (who circle me wherever I go... such smart birds), and in the Wii aisle of Target I was mesmerized by the Wii video... so much so that a Target salesperson actually noticed me and approached me... I must have been standing there for hours.

Once again, the Chantix was a talking when he asked if I needed anything and I said something like “well, duh” and pointed at the Wii Fit and I also threw in the Gold’s Gym sure to give you a cardiac workout thing while babbling something about gum. He rang me up quickly and then told me to have fun, to which my automatic response was... with anything that everyone says to me... “You too!”
Have a nice trip! YOU TOO!!!!! Even though your a travel agent and not going anywhere, I’m not a moron at all, YOU TOO!!! I skipped away from the counter, set off the alarm at the door, did a big graceful bow while holding my receipt high into the air and skipped out into the parking lot, only to realize that I had no idea where I parked. Have I mentioned that I’m a mess lately?

Met hubby at the Buy More, got the rest of the stuff, and then I was hit with the uncontrollable need for guacamole, so hubby went off for sushi, I hit Baja Fresh and got steak quesadillas with extra guacamole. As I was driving home, I was holding the guacamole container in the hand that I was steering with and using my free hand to dip chips into it... just as a commercial came on telling teens not to text or talk or do anything while they are driving and that parents should set a good example as well... which is why I don’t have kids or if I did they’d be dead by now.

So generally, that’s an update on the whole stop smoking thing, which took me roughly 3 hours to type up because I kept getting distracted by shiny piece of paper and string.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Oh You Beautiful Dreamer

I have to say that I totally enjoy the Chantix warnings I receive both personally and on the blog. I love all of the first hand, second hand, third hand, heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who.... oh, sorry for the REO Speedwagon lapse there.

Unfortunately I haven’t experienced any psychotic episodes, sleep driving, attempts to smother my husband while he sleeps or any of the other things that others have warned me of and frankly... I’m really disappointed! I mean come on, I pay a buttload of money a month for high end health insurance and if I’m going to get a nice prescription drug I want some side effects, so I say BRING IT ON!!!

About all I’ve had is bloating and gas, which is inconvenient, but I do say that the doubled-over stomach cramps do come in handy as I used it today when a co-worker was all like “did you lose a contact, why are you doubled over?” and I told him that the ER said is was a burst appendix or something, but I knew how much he wanted that stupid document finished, so I came in anyway, then farted and walked away.

I do enjoy the vivid dreams, although last night’s installment included a dream I keep having (for some odd reason and if anyone has any ideas, please post them in the comments) where I’m someplace and no matter what bathroom I go to, all of the toilets are malfunctioning in some heinous way. Typically the dream ends with me frantically running to the next toilet with a bursting bladder, but last night’s episode ended with me peeing on a couch. No idea what’s up with that.

The second vivid dream was that hubby and I were on vacation with our penguin. Yep, went to Florida or someplace warm with our trained penguin and we enjoyed the beaches and stuff, but when the penguin and I jumped into the pool, the penguin facade washed off and it was a pug, who apparently couldn’t swim. I saved it. Once again... no clue on that one.

I have noticed another fun festive side effect and that’s the attention span of a 2 year old, but seriously... I think I was like that before Chantix, so maybe it just enhances it because I can have some seriously cool daydreams going on, except that they too are very disjointed and weird, like when my dogs roll over on the remote control and the DirecTV goes nuts.

At one point today I knew perfectly well that it was Tuesday but for about 10 minutes thought it was actually Wednesday and was so happy that I planned to do stuff Thursday and got excited that tomorrow was Thursday, but tomorrow is actually Wednesday and if I had a lighter with me I would have set myself aflame. Oh, and my face is breaking out, but I’m blaming the new Almay junk I bought or it could be the stupid grapefruit soap gel junk from Costco, regardless, it probably has nothing to do with quitting smoking and my picking at my face like a junkie withdrawing from heroin.

Hiccups seem to be an annoying thing. Got those with the ass lozenges, but they are continuing on the Chantix. I’m thinking its from the wads of gum that I chew to keep from picking at my face and twitching. At this point I’ve experienced every type of annoying and disgusting bodily function except crapping myself and I figure that’s only a matter of time.

Oh, then there’s the procrastination thing... ok, shut up, yes I did that BEFORE Chantix, but how am I suppose to get enough class action lawsuit evidence if you keep ratting me out.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Chantix, I love you

If I wasn’t spayed I’d certainly offer to have Chantix’s babies. Heck I could also be doing that surrogate thing and just selling babies for money. I should have considered that before I had the doctor take a melon baller to my reproductive organs. Who knew that human puppy mills would be the rage new “at home” business.

As you can see, this won’t be a whole rant about sucking ass lozenges, as I’m no longer doing that. Nope, I’m polluting my kidneys with the lovely Chantix (which doesn’t pain me so), and am only feeling a tad bit anxious on it.

The morning that I started, I’m glad I had it because I woke up and my mouth tasted as though someone had poured an entire container of celery salt in my mouth. SERIOUSLY, it was the most foul taste I’ve ever tasted (well, actually, now that you mention it, there are a few others) but for no reason waking up and tasting like celery salt... so totally vile and wrong.

I haven’t had too many issues with the Chantix yet, although I did clear the room the other day, but it was only my husband, so that doesn’t count. The dogs haven’t tried to roll on me like a dead thing, so I think I’ll be manageable this time around. I am snacking, so we went to Costco and bought tasty but non fattening things that we’ll end up eating entire containers of, thus defeating the whole non-fattening aspect of them. So far I’ve become addicted to the fruit chew things that are nice and gooey, but not AS chewy as gummi bears, and aren’t AS laden in sugar as gummi bears. We also bought some fruit... in the form of banana nut muffins, and nuts... in the form of some form of pecan muffins. Ok, we bought apples and pears too, so shut up. I also bought the big bulk thing of Orbit (dirty mouth... you betcha).

I have started having pretty vivid dreams, but nothing like killing or maiming people. So far there was the one where I lost one of our dogs, but found her (she was following someone that had food) and then there was the one where I got a $300 bill for driving drunk, but I didn’t drive drunk, so I woke up exhausted from screaming at DMV. Can’t wait for tonight’s episodes!!!

What with all this quitting things I don’t actually need in my life, I’m going through a phase where I’m all like “hmmm, what else can I dump?” So I’m doing some soul searching, and some very major procrastination, and avoidance techniques to see what I do now, that I won’t do for a while, and if I can just stop doing it and nobody notices, then I’ll just not do it at all anymore. I’m very excited about this “soul cleansing” thing, as I do a whole bunch of stuff that takes up a LOT of my time and leaves me hardly any time to cartoon, write (as in serious writing, but not writing seriously, you know serious things, except for general political rants about stupidity... note to self, explaining stuff is something I need to stop doing as it wastes time), so yeah, I’m doing a mental yard sale, where none of the crap I give up will get me any money, but it will leave me time to do the things that I can make money from, and frankly, that’s what I’m all about from now on... you can send me a check for this post as soon as you’re done reading it... just kidding.... sorta.

Oh, and I felt so good and motivated and all that crap this morning, that I bathed Meeshka... see her blog for the gory details... well, wait an hour, she hasn’t posted it yet.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Dear Congress and Senate

Congratulations on passing the new budget. These surely are exciting times for our country, and while some people aren’t embracing the change that is taking our nation into a whole new era, I’m sure they will come around soon enough, thanks to the broad initiatives enacted by our governing body.

I do have a request of you though:

Please let me know when the new health care plan takes effect. You see, my husband and I pay approximately $600 per month for health insurance through our employers, and that seems a bit excessive to us for the amount of care that we actually require. We are healthy, middle aged, no children, and usually just go to preventative care screenings, with the occasional cold or flu visit. We are very interested in the new Obama health care plan because we will need to give up our jobs very soon.

You see, although our combine income is in the 6 figures, neither of us have a degree. President Obama has challenged each and every U.S. citizen to seek an education and benefits such as his were not provided to us under past administrations, therefore we will be seeking our free college benefits after performing our mandatory volunteer service to the country. Although we have both served in the military, we still feel that we can provide assistance to our country through our learned experiences, and at the same time be eligible for the free education benefits. Because we will be sacrificing our time to both college and our volunteer efforts for the good of our nation, we will have to give up our full time, well paying jobs with benefits in order to assistance our country in becoming more energy efficient, smarter, and better.

Although I’m sure we’ll have some time to get part time jobs, most likely in retail, so that we have the flexibility to volunteer and go to school, we will most likely be unable to pay our mortgage so if you could send me the URL where I can fill out a TARP money request for assistance with my mortgage, I would appreciate it. I understand that by requesting TARP funds, the government will pick and choose what salary and bonuses I am entitled to, we totally understand. Additionally, we will agree not to make more than minimum wage while we are under TARP, and all bonuses will be turned over to the taxpayers, even if it comes in the form of Chik-Filet coupons or gift cards.

Although the federal withholding from our six-figure salaries will decrease dramatically after we start our lives of volunteerism and education, we can rest assured that the increased government spending will lift us from this horrible recession inherited fully from the past administration. Everyone knows that if you get less money, you spend more to get out of debt. We will be following the government’s lead in that endeavor by spending the same amount of money on our minimum wage pay as we did on our six-figure salary. Thank you for showing us the way to fiscal responsibility and proving that decades of prosperity were merely an illusion.

Oh, and one last thing, I hope you aren’t upset, but as a couple without children, we didn’t think it proper that our smoking (which affects the children’s health) should help pay for children’s healthcare, so we quit. You will want to subtract $730 from the expected amount of revenue to support SCHIP. We hope that isn’t an inconvenience.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Day Umpteenth of Ass Lozenges

Subtitled: weeping, weeping

Oh yeah, despite a vigorous brushing of teeth and gargling before bed, another lovely aspect of the ass lozenge is that waking up in the morning with that same ass taste in your mouth. Its as though its oozing through my body now. I hope I actually don’t reek of it.

I’m also relieved that I quit in the nick of time (kinda sounds like nicotine... sigh) because apparently the government has now taken over the regulation of all tobacco products. I can hear the sound of angry smokers jacking a round into the chamber as I type. If there’s one thing a government can do, that certainly is screw up a totally profitable business, so its only a matter of time before nicotine clinics open up and teeth gnashing smokers line up for their government fix. Kiss the last true american business good-bye, this will surely not end well. Take for example the newly formed DMV automotive repair center.

Anyhoo, I managed one ass lozenge to work, ptooeyed it out for my morning coffee before grabbing the phone with shaking hands and calling CVS to find... heaving sigh... no prescription yet. I called the doctor again to see what the usual timeframe for calling in a prescription was. The chipper and perky person handling my call informed me that it sometimes takes 24-48 hours. I’m not quite sure what happened after I dropped the phone and shrieked, but she was still there when I regained my composure, still perky too.

I inferred nicely that making a person sucking ass lozenges wait for a miracle pill, especially when said ass lozenge sucking person knew where the clinic was, might not be such a good idea. She was equally amused by my request for her to immediately run into the back and smack my doctor to get her moving on my prescription. I really don’t understand why nobody takes me seriously.

Disgusted, I went to lunch. It was while I was sitting at a light sucking an ass lozenge while my latte sat untouched on the way back to the office that I saw at least 7 Baltimore County school buses full of kids leaving the Arundel Mills Mall... all of the happy little tykes were wearing those stupid paper crowns that you get from Medieval Times. WTF? I would send you to their site, but its incredibly annoying and blinks for no reason whatsoever so it gives you a headache... almost as if you had sat through their “show” completely sober. For those of you that don’t know, its one of those places where people dress up in armor, you eat crappy food and watch morons on horses joust and you scream and “participate”. Just like the good old medieval times of leeches and beheadings... and horrible STDs.

So, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that schools are so hard pressed for qualified history teachers that your tax dollars are now being spent by busing kids to a dinner theater to learn about the Renaissance.

Yeah, that put me in a much better mood right there.

I managed to suffer through the afternoon with only 1 more ass lozenge before I could take it no longer, and bailed to meet hubby at Men’s Wearhouse. Its my job to make sure he doesn’t look like a used car salesman, so practicing the skills I learned during my school years by attending the Spartacus Sing-Along Supper Club, I would give him a thumbs up or down with each suit choice.

My phone rang, and WHOOT it was my doctor! I won’t go into great detail about our conversation, but I do recall her asking why I had stopped taking it the last time, and yes, I admit that in my excitement of the potential prescription I may have shrieked something about puke inducing gas side effect , and no, I didn’t have the urge to kill anyone and in hindsight I probably should have walked out of the store for that whole conversation, but I was too busy dancing with happiness.

So, yes, I do have the pills in my grubby little hand now and will start taking them tomorrow morning. For tonight I’ll be sucking on one last nauseating ass lozenge to get through the night.

So, does anyone want 2 unopened still hermetically sealed containers of cherry ass flavored lozenges?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Lozenges: Day 5,000,495,295

Subtitle: blech

Ok, its only been two days on the lozenges and I just have to say, in case I wasn’t clear about it yesterday: ASS THEY TASTE LIKE ASS... but oddly I’m getting use to sucking ass and sometimes it seems bearable, but other times I want to throw myself out of a window, but I work on the 2nd floor, so that would only be prolonging the pain unless a cute ambulance guy offers me a smoke on the way to the ER. I guess I could ask for a 12 week coma, then wake up refreshed and smoke-free. Why isn’t that offered as a choice for quitting?

Bright and early the moment I got into the office and spewed out the foul lozenge so I could drink coffee I dialed my doctor’s office and asked, nay, BEGGED for a Chantix prescription. I even spelled out “tastes like butt” to the woman taking the message so my doctor would know A.) it was actually me calling, and B.) it wasn’t a cruel april fools joke that I was quitting and needed some serious pill action. (Note: as of 3pm no prescription called in, so either there were stupid sick people in front of my request, or I need to call again when its not april fools).

Like a trooper, I continued to pop these vile things all day and kept harassing the pharmacy people with increasingly irate phone calls asking if my prescription was called in. By the time I left for work I was cursing every driver in front of me (since I live in Maryland, all cursing was for a valid reason as it was starting to rain, and every time water falls from the sky here in Maryland, the drivers go insane).

I think part of the problem I’m having is that I’m not a sucking type of person. I don’t like life savers, tic tacs or even gum for that matter. I attribute a lot of this to my childhood when my mother left me in the car while she ran into a drugstore for something. Those were the good ol days when you could willy nilly leave your kids in the car without fear of child rapists swooping by and stealing us, or gypsies... gypsies were the people my parents always threatened to give me to, but they never made good on that promise. Ok, back to being in the car alone, except alone means with my sister, and frankly that’s about as good as being alone as she’s a little bit... touched in the head. Ok, back to the reason why I don’t suck on hard candy, and that’s because I totally inhaled a stupid lifesaver candy and nearly died. Nearly died as in I couldn’t breathe for a bit, choked and hacked it up. Another reason why you can’t leave your kids in the car, especially with hard candy or weapons, I just ruined it for everyone. Of course had I died it would have taught my mom a valuable lesson in that if you leave small children in the car with hard candy they may die and are worthless bartering tools for gypsies.

So, being forced (on a timeline) to suck these stupid ass tasting things without chewing them is practically forcing me to relive the horrible drug store episode where I nearly died alone (remember, sister is a zucchini in the head, I would have stood a better chance with an untrained beagle giving me the Heimlich). Ok, I don’t relive my near-death-experience thing, I just hate sucking on things that slowly melt in your mouth and leave a goopy film on your teeth especially when they taste like ass, and apparently give you the hiccups.

For those of you who are saying “how do you know what ass tastes like” I say... oh come on! Like you don’t know?