Friday, February 27, 2009

General Ramblings of this week

I admit, I could only stomach about 10 minutes of the Presidential speech this week. It wasn't what was being said, but it was nauseating watching Nancy Pelosi leaping up every three seconds and applauding whatever it was that was being said. I couldn't even concentrate on what the President was saying because there she was, leaping up and clapping and smiling at every sentence. She looked oddly familiar, couldn't quite place it... it hit me a few days after the speech. Yep, that's it. The poor guy could have said "I have a cactus in my pants" and the trained seal would have jumped up and clapped at that.

I'm also a bit confused as to how an 800 billion dollar "stimulus" bill turned into 3 trillion dollars. Um... did I lapse into a coma and miss something? Do you think, perhaps, they could have left off that $1.8 million for studying swine odor? Well, maybe not, what with all the pigs in Washington, perhaps someone should investigate that, but while they're at it... make them stop spending my money.

I'm going to try the government method of making things better by spending money I don't have. Apparently if you spend a lot of money that you don't have, its fine and good for the economy. So, I might as well be happy with tangible items that I can't afford while my house value plummets.

In other news, apparently NASA (the shriekers of global warming) shot off a rocket that would circle the earth and measure man made C02. How they can sort out what is man made and what is natural... well, they are NASA, chock full of geniuses and all, I'm sure they have a way of determining that... well, they would have if the rocket hadn't failed and fell into the ocean. I wonder how much C02 was spewed out by that rocket blasting off into space, and how many coral reefs were damaged when it fell into the ocean and how many types of fishes were contaminated by the leftover fuels and toxic stuff on and in that rocket?

Let's also hand it to NASA's chief climate scientist, Dr. James Hansen, for calling for civil disobedience during a March 2nd protest. Even his former co-workers have now started saying that he's a nutcase (as a lot of us have suspected) and are now claiming that his "research" is not only flawed... but it may be purposefully flawed. There's a news flash. Yeah, I'm all for doing things that don't pollute, and I'm all for not paying foreign countries for oil, but I'm really not for lining the pockets of "carbon offset" companies (owned by the ones screeching climate chaos) which is all a sham. Hey, climate chaos people... even if we're all nice and green here, what about China and those other polluting countries? Do you really think that we'll have a nice ozone and live comfortably here in the states while polluting countries will be really hot? Oops, nearly dropped one of my mercury laden "green" light bulbs, which means a call to the hazmat crew for cleanup.

Oh, and about that "climate chaos" thing... yeah, its really FREAKIN cold all over and snowing in places it never has been, so how convenient that ALGORE changed his battle cry from "global warming" to "climate chaos". ALGORE should be selling Shamwows.

Finally: Look, I can see Russian bombers from Canada.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

An Open Letter to Women that Hover

Toilet seats were made SPECIFICALLY for women! They are hard plastic for sanitary reasons, meant for you to plop your bare butt on them and take care of your business.

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot:
1. Get pregnant
2. Catch a STD
3. Die

from sitting on a toilet seat (husband’s reading this, if your wife has told you this, she’s a big fat liar liar pants on fire!)

If you’re so freakin phobic of catching cooties from a toilet seat then take advantage of the paper toilet seat covers found in most rest rooms, and if you are absolutely freaking paranoid that they will be out when you go pee, then for gawd’s sake carry a supply of your own and some antibacterial wipes...


If everyone just used the toilet the way you’re suppose to use a toilet there wouldn’t be a need for toilet seat covers, but you incredibly disgusting hoverers pee all over the seat and make it gross for the next NORMAL person taking a pee. Even if normal people use one of those flimsy toilet seat covers, your urine soaks through the freakin thing so not only are we sitting in pee, but now we have a fucking paper in the shape of a toilet seat stuck to our asses.

If you can’t stop hovering then just pee on the freakin floor!

Monday, February 16, 2009

You're "Giving" Me What?

Ok, correct me if I’m wrong, but out of that gazillion dollar stimulus bill that will be signed tomorrow, I’m going to get a whopping $400? Let me get this straight: my tax money is going to pay for bee insurance and other crap, and a measly $400 is going to get returned to me and I’m suppose to leap for joy and thank the Government? Its not even like I’m getting a check for $400, no, they’re going to dole it out to me a bit at a time, and the going theory is that I’ll get a whopping $8.00 a week, because I’m more likely to spend that $8.00 a week to stimulate the economy rather than pay off a credit card or other debt.

$8.00 a week.

Actually, its not even going to be $8.00 a week because I’m sure they’ll take out Federal taxes, and State taxes, and then the social security thing, so actually I’ll only be getting $6.08 a week, which isn’t even enough to buy a latte. Knowing my luck that whopping $400 will also put me into another higher tax bracket and I’ll end up paying it back to the government again.

Wow... I’m overwhelmed with the generosity of the government with my money.

They’ve somehow managed to botch up the banking system, take over banks, take over car companies, dole out MY money to keep failing businesses afloat to lose more money, hire their crony friends who use to run failing businesses to oversee the failing businesses that got bailed out and pay them with MY money.

The politicians sit in their comfy offices, flying their private jets all over (how’s Rome Ms. Pelosi? I wasn’t aware that the Speaker of the House went on diplomatic missions to foreign countries, I thought that was Hillary’s new job) and point fingers at who is to blame and how something must be done to save us. Good lord, if this is saving us, then let me drown. I’m tired of being pulled out of the water only to be tossed back in each time one of your contributors needs a financial injection to live within the lifestyles they’ve grown accustomed to. If you want to inject something then hire Dr. Kevorkian to put us all out of our misery... oh wait, that won’t work, because then there wouldn’t be anyone to toil and labor and give you our money.

For some odd reason I feel like drinking a cup of tea.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

This Is What Is Wrong With The World

I've been stewing about this for weeks and I just have to get it out there so maybe I can stop obsessing about it.

What do you think about this commercial?

Were you like all "awww, what a clever little gecko, he found a dollar bill on someone's desk and got some potato chips with it, how adorable?" If so, then F YOU!!!!

YOU are the very people that probably steal people's lunches out of the company fridge, or use someone else's non-dairy creamer because "its there". Regardless of what is running through your head (and if you do these things, then obviously you have NOTHING in your head) you are STEALING! You just don't take a buck off of someone's desk and buy potato chips with it (let alone offer one to the guy you stole the buck from) YOU LEAVE THE DOLLAR ON THE DESK YOU FREAKIN THIEF!

This is the very reason why I had to label my non-dairy creamer (the container I WORKED TO PAY FOR) as "breast milk" to keep thieves like you from using it so that when I went to get my coffee and find it EMPTY I wouldn't go postal and get fired. I also don't know what to think of people that would actually use something labeled "breast milk" until the container is empty you sick freaks!

Instead of thinking that the little lizard is cute and precocious for ripping off his boss, you should be thinking "gee, what kind of company has a thieving lizard as a spokes... thing, and if they think its fine to rip off the boss, then what are they doing with my insurance???"

Make your own sandwiches, if its not yours then don't take it, and for the love of gawd stop drinking stuff labeled breast milk. I bet you don't even wash your hands after you use the bathroom either.

Stimulus Jobs

Our Elected Officials

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Fat Cats Get a Cut Back

I'm happy to see our new President telling CEOs of companies that accept bail out money that they can't use it for bloated salaries, bonuses, and retreats. Of course, this doesn't apply to the first bailout, since that money was doled out to anyone with no strings attached, but still, good thinking on the preemptive stupidity on the part of our President.

I do agree with him that firms and the people that run them should take responsibility for the state of their businesses. Those running a corporation should do it in a responsible manner, trying to ensure the success of that company, thus keeping people employed. CEOs should not be rewarded for failure.

I'm also glad to hear politicians say that they would be held accountable by the American people. The only problem I have is... what do they mean by "accountable"? What is the punishment they will face if their "stimulus" package doesn't work? What are they using as a measurement of success?

Since our Government is now demanding that companies who receive taxpayer money now pay their "fat cat" CEOs a certain amount of money, run their companies efficiently, without wasteful spending, without outrageous perks, we should demand the same from our politicians... after all, politicians receive taxpayer money as well. Should we chastise GM or Ford executives for flying in private jets when our own "public servants" do as well? Lets be fair, no private jets for bailout CEOs, no private jets for bail out politicians.

AIG got their hand smacked for lavish "retreats", so shouldn't we smack the hands of politicians (namely the Democrats in the House that passed a bill that called for $524 Billion to create 388 State Department jobs (which equates to $1.35 million per job created). I'm just guessing that middle class people aren't going to be the recipients of State Department jobs that pay a million bucks. I'd say that was an attempt at wasteful spending of OUR taxpayer monies, so should we hold everyone that voted for such a thing accountable? Should they not resign in shame like we called for the resignation of AIG CEOs?

While we're at it, I'm glad to see that two prospective government officials bowed out of their offered jobs because of tax issues. As our new President said, we shouldn't treat public officials any different than we treat or regular citizens... except for that guy that will soon be the head of the IRS. If the first two were a "mistake", I think its only fair that the same rules apply to everyone, and for those that approved that position and treated him differently than a private citizen... what about them?

Just some things to think about in our new "everyone treated the same" country.

Monday, February 02, 2009

It May Be time

I think I may have to sue I swear, the ad people are in my head, they see what I do everyday, and they make commercials about it.

They missed the part where you daydream about swerving into passing gas trucks, but that's pretty close.

Please note, I would never swerve into a passing gas truck... unless I was sure it was full and I could take out a few choice people, like that would ever happen.

By the way, the "sit next to this guy" is Vork!

Excuse me while I go mop up the brain matter that's leaking out of my head from today's work.