Wednesday, September 30, 2009

UPS, you still suck

I found my new purse. Yep, me. It wasn’t the squad of professional UPS detectives working on my “case” after an “investigation” had been opened up. I certainly didn’t see swarms of UPS police converging on my neighborhood looking for clues, frisking people, kicking in doors and searching houses for my bag in their “investigation”. Nope, I didn’t even see UPS anywhere near my neighborhood, it took little ol me to find it... without the use of weaponry or threats, although my screaming could have been heard for miles, but it had nothing to do with the fact that despite HUGE neon reflective numbering on our mailbox, the UPS guy left my box on the porch of the neighbors. Not just ANY neighbor, but the neighbors who abandoned their house and left it to rot and become a cesspool of weeds, mosquitos and I’m wondering if the PODS people even want their big metal box back. Yeah, hey UPS, did you stop to think that someone sending something to a totally obviously abandoned house (your first clue should have been wading through waste high weeds) might be an identity theft type or nefarious of some sort and should have been suspicious? Not only that, but the fact that the address of that house, in all its abandoned glory, DIDN’T EVEN MATCH THE ADDRESS ON THE BOX????

Ok, whatever, I happened to look on the porch of the infamous half filled in nasty muck pool water abandoned house and saw a box peeking out from behind all of the weeds. I risked my safety by leaping, gazelle-like through the grass and who knows what and grabbed my box, held it over my head, screamed with glee and did the happy dance... then ran in fear as I’m pretty sure a Bengal Tiger was stalking me from the weeds.

Note to self: although they’ve done expensive studies to determine that texting while driving is dangerous, because there are no expensive studies that say ripping open a Nine West box, ripping the plastic from the purse, then transferring the contents of one bag to the new bag isn’t dangerous, I’m here to say that you shouldn’t try that at home, on a busy highway, while driving to starbucks where we scored some free samples of that Via instant coffee stuff. Its a banner day: new bag thought lost, and free coffee samples.

The bag is totally perfect... after I cut off the annoying decorative loop things on the side that jangled when I walked and cut out the magnetic clasp thing because magnetic anything is bad for iPhones, just perfect. I don’t have a problem with most decorative things, but not decorative things that actually clank and make noise when I walk. Seriously, how can I sneak up on a terrorist and overtake them if my perfect leather bag is clanking and tinkling like a wind chime. Ok, its more like: how can I sneak down the hall to work late and not alert a supervisor type to my lateness, but still, both valid reasons to cut off the round things that make noise. Another reason was that when the one in the back was swinging around (because I walk like a dork and I’m blaming broken wii foot and not to digress but I tried wearing my big clunky heel boots yesterday and once broken wii foot really started to hurt and still does so apparently its only partially healed wii foot and I need to stick to flats, but I digress) anyhoo, the metal thing kept hitting me in the back and I kept thinking that someone was tapping me on the back and I kept turning around and screaming “WHAT???” to the point where people started whispering about me... more than normal.

So now that I’ve ripped out all of the annoying things... it really is a cool back and totally squishy (I made my office mate touch it and confirm that it is squishy, and yes, he admitted it was squishy and I have to give him kudos for actually touching a purse and saying its squishy and it could be that he may be afraid of me, but who knows).

So, I have my bag and I should be ok for at least a week... unless I’m stressed out again.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

&*%$^%$$#@@#*&^^ UPS!!!!!!

I think it goes without saying that I have a purse addiction. Ok, I admit that I’m a purse HO, seriously... I am obsessed with getting THE perfect purse (which varies from day to day) and go to the ends of the earth trying to track down a bag I’ve seen in an ad or in a movie, or on someone to the point where I’ve probably been close to being arrested for stalking and taking surreptitious, lewd pictures of handbags.

Needless to say, when I’m under incredible stress, I tend to buy bags. When my dear sweet Sammy (the $13,500.00 dog) yipped and started limping a week back, I knew it was a blown knee and sure enough, he needed surgery (now the $15,000.00 dog). Without a smoke, with no boyfriend Chantix, what could I do... except buy a handbag... THE most perfect tote bag.... I happened to find that day. I wanted it, I needed it, it must be mine, dammit I can’t find it locally, I’ll have to order it and give it to me right now, or express UPS.

The weekend went by, no updated shipping status. Monday went by, no updated shipping status. I cursed nine west, I cursed UPS, then I forgot about it because Sam went in for his surgery and I was too busy pacing and chewing on my fingernails, but then the surgery went well and we were scheduled to pick him up today and LOOK!!!! My bag has arrived locally and will be delivered today WHOOOT!

UPS generally delivers around noon, and husband would be out doing something at noon, that I suggested he go do around noon, for no reason whatsoever I’m adult I can buy a handbag or two... or 1,200 (that’s not an actual count, I exaggerate and don’t listen to any comments attributed by a guy calling himself my husband, its all a lie).

No deliver around noon, or 1pm, or 2pm, then when we got Sam back from the surgeon, no bag at 4pm, or even 5pm. Rat BASTARD UPS lying sack of... oooh, there’s the UPS truck on the next street at 6:20 pm, happy dance, happy dance, stand in front of the big window like a pathetic soul not letting on to hubby that I’m actually waiting on the UPS guy to deliver a bag that I have to figure out how to get into the house without admitting that its a bag, blah blah... um, just how long does it take for a UPS truck to go around the corner and why does it now say that my bag was delivered?


Yep, the driver delivered it to the wrong house. I’m guessing that its on the next street, but its dark out and although I could pack my glock and go sneaking from house to house looking for packages on the porch that I would run up and grab and run away (probably only to find that I had stolen the neighbors depends by mail order), I opted to call UPS... those rat bastards.

Did you know that UPS makes it nearly impossible to talk to a human. They have one of those smarmy voice recognition systems that really make you want to go out and find the computer system and beat it with a hammer. “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you” when you screamed “YOU SCUM SUCKING BASTARDS DELIVERED MY COVETED PURSE TO THE WRONG HOUSE”. I’m sure you understood every word and you are probably a real human that is trained to sound like a computer and you probably laugh and laugh at people like me screaming obscenities in the phone trying to get a human to answer.

UPS Fact #1: if you scream “LAWSUIT” into the phone, it actually WILL connect you to a real person... how funny is that???!!!!

UPS customer service, my name is something you can’t pronounce or know how to spell so you can’t possibly report me for being rude, how can I help you?

Me - YOU LOST MY PACKAGE!!! (weeping now)

UPS CS: Oh, I am very sorry, let me track your package to see where it is.

Me - seriously? It says its at my house, but its not, its lost

UPS CS: it says that it was delivered to your house, are you sure nobody else accepted it?

Me - No, I’m positive as I stood in front of the window like a crazed loon for hours without blinking and peed myself so I wouldn’t miss the truck.

UPS CS: well, we will need to have you contact Nine West and have them ask us to start an investigation.

Me - this package was very important to me (weeping openly) you have no idea how badly I needed that liver

UPS CS: um... really, it was a liver?

Me - Yes, now I will surely die if you don’t find it tonight

UPS CS: Nine West sells livers?

Me- SHUT UP, its a purse ok? Fine, are you happy? Its an expensive purse, dammit and I paid extra just so you would lose it a day early than regular delivery and besides... YOU LOST MY PACKAGE!

UPS CS: have Nine West request an investigation

Me - FINE, FINE, you suck, your company sucks, I hope they lose your mother.

UPS CS: thank you for using UPS.

So I called Nine West, and the perky woman named Edith tracked my package as well.

Edith: it says it was delivered

Me: Well Edith, are you going to believe a delivery service that couldn’t care less if I died without my purse or me, the person whose credit card is paying your salary at the moment?

Edith: I’ll request an investigation

Me: I hope they take some DNA samples and perhaps interrogate all of my neighbors. I’m pretty convinced that the people on the other street have some person locked in their basement or something.

Edith: really?

Me: who knows, but I’m guessing they don’t have the purse because who would steal a purse to give to the person they have locked in the basement.

Edith: ok, well UPS should give you a call and let you know what they find and if they can’t find the box then they’ll pay you back the amount of the purse and the delivery fee.

Me: damn straight they’ll reimburse me... but that means I still won’t have my purse (starts weeping again).

I hang up.

Hubby: why were you on the phone, you never call anyone


Hubby: figured... and you’ll probably need to go out and get another purse in the meantime.

Me: well, yeah

So here is the new bag that I’m obsessing about... if anyone knows where I can get one just like it, let me know, but seriously, don’t ship it UPS.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


I think that's aptly titled, and frankly I don't think I should even bother with the rest of the post because I'm pretty sure that everyone knows what this means and probably don't have to spell it out... fine, be that way!

It started off with Oliver Cyst making an appearance. Hadn't been visited by Oliver in quite some time and frankly I have no idea why he decided to pop up and cause agony over the simplest of movements. Who is Oliver Cyst? My gah, really, I don't have time to go into all of that fiasco, suffice it to say its a cyst in my left wrist that decides to pop up once in a while and make me miserable.

Then Sam, our spineless, bionic hip puppy was outside running, yipped and now is limping. Every time Sam limps, its the sound of the cash register. Sam can't just sprain something, Sam always has to have some kind of bizarro injury that costs us large amounts of money. Please note that anyone posting a comment suggesting we are insane for spending thousands on a dog or suggesting we have him put to sleep will be hunted down and maimed, refused medical care, then put to sleep. Better yet, throw your child off the roof and then let me bitch at you for taking it to the doctor, and while you wring your hands nervously, I'll suggest you put your broken child to sleep... in other words, bite me.

So, on top of that, I go into the back room and discover that our water heater is leaking water all over. Well just spiffy keen shoot me now! Lucky for us, our water heater is covered under the expensive mondo warranty policy thingie that says they'll just replace that sucker for little to no money or fix it for the same pittance of money. Everything is covered... see the picture below and please point out to me what you think isn't covered (I made it easy with arrows), then guess what exactly is wrong with our water heater.
Yep, the water heater repair guy shows up, pronounces the water heater (that's covered) is just fine, the problem is the leaking pipe leading to the water heater, and the "reserve" tank connected to the water heater... both of which are NOT covered under our handy warranty program... of course. FINE, so fix these issues.... but he can't because he's not a plumber, he's just a water heater guy (I would think that you would need to be both, but apparently he's just a specialist on water heaters), but he was nice enough to send a message to the plumbers and tell them that its an emergency, that water is leaking all over, and since its Friday at 4pm... I should expect to hear from someone on Monday. Gosh, good thing he said it was an emergency, otherwise it may be months before I hear from someone apparently.

In the meantime, he told me that I need to turn off the breaker to the heat pump and shut off the hot water... um... really? I mean its actually been leaking for 2 weeks actually and seems to work just fine, what's the big deal... and what do you mean no hot water until the plumbers fix it... SONOFA....

Saturday afternoon rolls around and the plumbers call, all chipper and happy. Apparently the "reserve" tank is a special thing that the Anne Arundel County code enforcement people receive a kick back on and have made it mandatory that all homes have them, so that's why they cost $300. My 80 gallon water heater cost $300, so you're telling me that the itty bitty whatever the frick tiny mandatory piece of crap leaking goofy looking thing that does absolutely NOTHING is going to cost me the same as my water heater, that isn't covered in this repair, and the replacing of the leaking pipe is going to cost me. Its at this point, standing in the kitchen with a sink full of dirty dishes, reeking like a homeless person with nasty hair, pile of dirty clothes gathering because I have no hot water, I began weeping and laughing because the soonest they can come out is Monday afternoon.

Sure, why not, I've got some dog wipes that says they will make my coat silky smooth and some baby wipes for that deep down clean so I can go to work looking professional... ok, actually I never go to work looking professional, unless its professionally demented, but I do tend to smell like grapefruit extract and cucumber soap and some flowery shampoo stuff, not like I haven't bathed since Friday.

Needless to say, I'll be showing up to work long enough to say that I'm out for the rest of the day, then I'll be at home pacing and waiting for the plumbers to show up... then soaking in a hot tub once there is glorious hot water again.

Friday, September 04, 2009

The Art of the Deal

We cancelled DirecTV and Comcast and went with Verizon FIOS for all of our cabley, landliney, internety things. We refuse to use them for mobley phoney things as you will need to pry our iPhones from our cold dead hands first, and frankly if this damn cold that isn’t swine flu doesn’t go away soon... I’m just sayin.

Anyhooo, this morning I get a phone call. Normally I don’t answer calls from our home phone because we never give anyone we like our home phone number. Businesses and annoying people get our home number and if you are reading this and have our home number... yeah, sorry, you suck.

I’m guessing that the Dayquil had something to do with me actually answering the home number, especially when it came up as some obscure 888 number, which usually means telemarketer. Ok, whatever, I answer, and its Comcast! If you ever want cheaper service and more channels, all you have to do is threaten to cancel or even cancel and they call you non-stop, begging you to come back. Its like an old girlfriend or something, except more pathetic.

Desperate Comcast Telemarketer: What if we throw in HD channels and faster internet?

Me: I want a pony.

DCT: ..... excuse me?

Me: A pony, a cute pony that I can ride, but I actually don’t want to take care of during the week, so can you bring me a pony on the weekends where I can show my friends and pet it and do things with it like take it for ice cream, but don’t actually have to care for it.

DCT: You mean a real pony?

Me: Of course a real pony! I can just go out and get a fake plastic pony any time, but if you want me to switch AGAIN over to Comcast, I mean come on, you have to make it worth my while.

DCT: I can’t give you a pony

Me: You gave me a modem that I have to return, so its not like you’re actually GIVING me anything, its like you would LOAN me the pony, it would still be yours and all, like the annoying modem I have to return, but the pony wouldn’t be annoying.

DCT: um....

Me: Fine, if you can’t give me a pony then I’ll just stick with Verizon, at least they were nice enough to mow my lawn every week.

DCT: Verizon is mowing your lawn?

Me: yeah, well, they don’t know that yet, but there’s a guy scheduled to come out for maintenance and the lawnmower just happens to be in front of the door and all...

Tuesday, September 01, 2009


I’m officially on vacation now... well, I’m actually sick for the next two days with a cold, but our timesheet thing only has “paid time off” and not “sick” so I’m on vacation, but really sick. I don’t actually start vacation until Tuesday because Monday is a holiday and doesn’t count toward PTO, but right now I’m not going back to work until the 14th, which is sweeeet.

I wanted to explain that in my official work out of office automatic e-mail responder thing:

Hi, I’m on vacation until the 14th, but actually I’m sick for the next two days, then its the weekend and monday is a holiday so I’m on vacation starting Tuesday and coming back that next monday. In case you were wondering, I have a cold, because I know how people wonder when you call out sick because they’re always “she didn’t look sick” and frankly it doesn’t really matter because it all comes out of the same “vacation” pot whether you’re sick or on vacation, but I just wanted to throw it out there that in case you were thinking of calling me after seeing that I’m actually sick and not on vacation, that you probably shouldn’t call me because I’m sick and don’t even think about calling me when I’m on vacation either. Frankly, the only reason I’m taking off is because I got sick of people running in fear and accusing me of spreading swine flu all over the office, and frankly if I did have swine flu, yes, I would be licking my hand and touching everyone that I hate, but no, its just a cold, but you just can’t leave it be and have to insist I cough into my elbow and dip myself in hand sanitizer and frankly its just easier staying home and feeding my used kleenex to my dog, who happens to love used kleenex, but I have to be careful or she’ll totally eat too many and that’s not a good thing. So, I’m pretty sure that its just a cold, but just in case, you shouldn’t call or even e-mail me (as if I’d check my work phone or e-mail, pffft, that’s not going to happen) as I’m pretty sure the CDC has now found that swine flu can travel through the phone lines and contaminate you and your unborn children, so its best for your family and lineage that you don’t call or e-mail me... probably even shouldn’t think about me either, because there’s that whole issue where I lived in Europe for 2.5 years and contracted mad cow, so probably thinking of me will give you mad cow, or disqualify you from giving life saving blood and making you feel like scum, and yes, by the way I AM on Nyquil, why do you ask?

Unfortunately Microsoft Outlook has some sort of limitation on the “out of office assistant” thing and wouldn’t let me leave all that, so I just said I’m out and will be back on the 14th. I’m pretty sure anyone that knows me will know what I meant to say.