Get home from a rough day of paying for everyone else’s healthcare, credit cards, homes, cars, and colleges and find one of those little door hangers hanging on our door.
Printed from recycled paper is a little notice that says:
“Your neighborhood has been selected to be part of a study to increase recycling. Over the next few months, your recycling rate will be tracked and reported to you in an effort to help your community reach the 50% recycling goal.”
I’m not making this up, here’s a picture of the stupid thing.
Recycling nazis will apparently go through my trash to ensure that I’m recycling to my fullest potential.
Ok, so A.) I never agreed to a 50% recycling goal, was never told there was a “goal” and frankly if the County average is 34%, setting the bar at 50% is waaay too fricken optimistic and puts too much pressure on me.
B.) Do you see the “31%” seemingly handwritten there to make it look as though this whole thing is planned and someone went through and hand wrote the percentage of your community in (after doing an extensive and expensive tax payer paid study of recycling trends per section of county) and not only wrote in a pen the “rate” but was able to use simple addition and subtraction to let us all know what percentage more we need to strive for... except its not written, its printed on there. They just made it look like someone put some effort into the whole thing.
C.) Who the hell is going to sort through my trash to figure out if I’m “complying” or not? Can’t whoever is digging through my trash pull out the bottle or two that is in the trash for me? Why should I bother even separating anything if people will be sorting through my trash. I’m apparently paying them to sort through trash, so sort through my trash so I don’t have to do it.
D.) What if I’m actually recycling to my full potential but my neighbor: CHINA, refuses to recycle. China is going to pull the whole community into not making the recycling goal, we’ll all be locked up and forced to dig through other community trash and sort it.
E.) Last year the county made $2.4 MILLION in recycled junk. Um, why am I still paying to have my trash picked up? With that money you can pay the trash people to not only pick it up, but sort through it. Why am I working to make the county millions and not getting ANYTHING for all of my hard work? I’m sure most of that money is now going to paying people to police the plastics, and for that nifty web site that won’t let you close it or navigate away from it, and provides you with NO useful information whatsoever. Damn, I really need to get a cushy gig like that.
So, at any moment I expect a knock on the door. Some large thug will be holding a bottle that I threw in with the regular trash and he’ll send his henchmen in to break my legs or something. Perhaps they’ll paint something on my house to let my neighbors know that I have shamed the community with my willy nilly recycling practices. I could actually be burned at the stake at this rate because I purposefully tossed plastic fruit containers and a bottle into the normal trash just now, just to spite the recycling nazis. I obviously hate the earth and want to kill it... I’m an earth killer, what with my normal non-mercury lightbulbs and not taking recycling seriously. I’ll be on the run soon, my picture on a poster at the post office, one of the FBI most wanted for putting styrofoam into the yellow bin.
I’m such a bastard! As more recycled door hangers come, I’ll let you know just how well my community does with our “challenge” unless I’m in some plastic recycling gulag.
(Please note that under the door thing is a pad of paper that is recycled, made from sugar cane refuse or something stupid, and the lines are soy ink... I buy that crappy paper because I like writing on it and because in the next month or two I'll be serving it for dinner when the economy totally collapses)