Sunday, May 31, 2009

Dear Chantix

Its over between us. Yes, just yesterday I was considering another month of your wonderful nauseating, bloating, mind scrambling effects, but last night’s vivid dream was the end of our relationship.

Granted, I didn’t really mind the whole getting carjacked and losing my precious RAV to hoodlums, nor was I really disturbed with being shot in the back, or having hubby complaining about bleeding on his leather seats as he drove me to the hospital.

No, the last straw for me was how you made us drive all over the place looking for a hospital because we couldn’t figure out how to make a phone call on my iPhone. I think you already know that my love for the iPhone outweighs any of the benefits you provide me. I am willing to forego the morning and evening nausea after taking you, the noxious gas, the bloated feeling, and even the “I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything” attitude that comes from not being able to have 1 clear thought for more than 2 seconds that I’ve had with you.

As I sit here, craving all manner of junk food and the potential of bloating up to a gazillion pounds and ending up on a Learning Channel show that highlights several construction workers hauling me out of the roof on a crane because I’m too big to fit through a door, at least I don’t want to smoke and that’s what you were there for. I’m going Chantix cold turkey now, mmmm turkey sandwich with deviled eggs.

So, this is good-bye... well, sorta because I know I’ll have to wean myself from you slowly, so I’ll just take you in the morning so I’ll be brain dead by day, which is what I prefer.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


Oh sure, for the past week or so I’ve been ranting about everything. Ranting in the car about idiots drivers, ranting at work about idiots I work for or with, ranting at home about whatever happens to be about tv, but the moment I sit down at the computer I’m pretty much dead in the head (thank you sweet Chantix for sucking my brains out and replacing them with stalks of beheaded dandelions).

Since I hate to disappoint my 3 readers and not have a worthwhile rant, you’ll be pleased to know that I write down notes in my incredibly perfect handwriting taught to me back in grade school back in a time where we said the Pledge of Allegiance (which is why I know we live in a Republic and not a Democracy as most morons think nowadays), and where when we got to the point about “under god” we either said it or didn’t depending on what we believed and didn’t need some old coot with depends under his/her black robe to read the Constitution and interpret it with empathy or a dictionary to figure out that we have freedoms to believe or not believe its just that the Government can’t create the church of “Give us all your money” and FORCE us to pray to it, but we damn well can say God in a school if we damn well want to and believe in one.

Ok, so I went off topic there a bit, back to my incredibly neat everyone always remarks how wonderful my handwriting is, notes that I jot down throughout the day because my brain has turned into cold, wet oatmeal, possibly with some bugs and mold thanks to my lover Chantix, which I’m still taking and will probably take for another 30 days even though I probably don’t need it, but I have a refill and frankly with my health care soon to be determined by a bureaucratic board of fucktards trying to save every penny so they can fly to the Bahamas and have a confab with my money and won’t be able to get antibiotics for my severed limbs, let alone a stop smoking pill (because they want me to smoke so I can pay for the healthcare of others) I might as well take it while I can, because if I stop taking it and reality sets in and I actually start caring about things... well, that’s an ugly I just don’t even want to deal with.

Ok, so back to the topic of my handwriting and the notes that I jot down every day so I can sufficiently rant about the week’s topics...

Susan Boyle - WTF? I just don’t “get” that whole weeping over her.

Jon & Kate +8 = ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! In next week’s episode, Jon finally hits his limit and beats Kate with some of the children. I’d Tivo that.

Energy Czar or politburo or someone in the government says that we should paint our roofs white to stop global warming. How much do the taxpayers pay that guy? Can we PUHLEEEZE have public hanging back????

National Sales tax: I’m going to wear the same clothes for years and eat lawn clippings.

A 30-year old female teacher was having sex with her 15 year old male student with the 15 year old student’s mother’s blessing because where she’s from, stuff like that is normal. Public outrage here... um, can I point out that we all have to accept diversity and we should understand and accept the differences in cultures and be tolerant to these differences... oh wait, except for “some” things as determined by certain morals but certainly not by average citizens who are then labeled racists. Gotcha.

Conservatives are mad at the government and those in the government for growing bigger and bigger and spending and wasting more and more of the people’s money. Conservatives want less government, they want their constitutional rights back, they want their states to get their rights back, they want to be left alone to be a success or failure, they want to keep the money they earn and they want to help only those causes that they choose to help with, not have that determined by the government.

What the heck are liberals mad at? They want programs, but they hate rich people. They want bigger government because bigger government will take care of them, but they don’t want to work so where is big government going to get the money to help them? They hate the rich, but they all want to be rich... and some think they will be this year... click here for the audio.

What Not to Name a Phone

If you don't get it, go here

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

New Standards We can all be forced to live by

I chuckled with bemusement as the new emission and mileage standards were announced today. By 2016 cars will have to get over 30mpg and not emit noxious greenhouse gasses or something. The bailed out automakers stood behind the President and smiled and nodded and clapped and thought it was all wonderful... mostly due to the fact that if they didn’t, they’d get no more bailout and they are owned by the government now, so what else are they going to do. Flying car that runs off of banana peels, you betcha Mr. President, now can I have a cookie for being such a good dog?

This morning I caught the gist of the announcement from a white house puppet who said this would be wonderful, the people will save gazillions of dollars, the earth would be clean, the government would give a “cash for clunker” incentive to those selfish polluting hold outs, and life will be good. A blue bird actually landed on her shoulder and sang for a bit. The spokespuppet actually said that this was SUCH a big announcement, that people were flying in from all over to attend the event. I’m sure they were flying in on their non-polluting, electric planes so they didn’t harm the ozone.

Here’s my problem:

In 2016 when I drive my 2005 RAV4 to the emission testing station because I refuse to buy the $40,000 skateboard with tin foil that only goes to 15mph for 3 miles before I have to plug it into a socket, will I be told that my SUV doesn’t meet the new 2016 emission standards and therefore:

1.) I can’t drive it until it does meet the standard (meaning cha ching, tons of money)
2.) I will be given a waiver to drive it that costs me a gazillion dollars per year tax for polluting
3.) I will watch as my RAV4 is confiscated by the emission czar, and I’m handed a $200 clunker cash coupon good toward the purchase of a $40,000 tin foil covered skateboard, while my RAV4 is sold by the government to Cuba where it will merrily continue to pollute Cuba.

In regard to this “cost savings” I keep hearing about. From my limited understanding, a “hybrid” car that runs on both batteries and gas only uses the battery when the car goes really slow , and when it goes fast it uses the gas engine part. So, I drive 8 miles to work, 7.5 of those miles are on highway at speeds up to 65 mph (ok, who am I fooling, we’re looking at 70-80 just to keep from getting squished in Maryland). Would someone please tell me how much I would save by buying a hybrid under those conditions. As far as a fully electrical car, I can barely pay to keep my house cool or hot enough during the seasons, so when that funny little cap and trade thing comes along, I’m certainly not going to want to plug my car into the house and deal with that bill... are you freaking kidding me? I’m guessing that in a few years, not only will gas be cheaper than electricity, but since everyone will need to plug in their cars and we haven’t upgraded our electrical grids to handle the added workload, we’ll be shorting out entire big cities around 6pm every night when everyone gets home from work and plugs their car in. Oh wait, I forgot, we’ll have wind and solar power by then AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

Now for a new section: Hypocrisy in Action:

* Nancy Pelosi is a liar, liar pants on fire
* The not so secret VP bunker is under the Naval Observatory where he lives, so says Joe
* Once again: Social Security $ spend on something else, why is Madoff in jail?
* Car Czar building $15 million dollar mansion in Martha’s Vineyard... must be nice
* Obama: Bailed out Companies shouldn’t go to Vegas, but the Govt is gonna have a blast in Vegas next week, yeeeehaw!!!!
* Democrats mocking Republicans because they use Reagan as a beacon and say that the future leaders weren’t even born when Reagan was around... yet they use Lincoln as their example... um.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Week of Ranting Catch-up Post

First of all, please excuse me as I’ve suffered a horrible Wii injury, I’m in Wii traction and can barely move. Ok, I overdid the Wii boxing game last night and can barely move (making the fact that hubby mistakenly turned on the security system, so when I opened the door to let the dogs outside this morning, the whole creaky painful dash to shut the ear piercing alarm off was exquisite), but enough about me, its time for the catch-up rant of the week.

The government apologizes for Punch and Judy puppets, even though they’re from another country.

Government isn’t getting enough money from existing taxes, so they’re going to tax junk food to help pay for new healthcare plan (except has anyone actually seen a PLAN?). The justification of taxing junk food is that its bad, makes you fat, makes you sick, therefore only EVIL people eat junk food.

Here’s why taxing junk food will help kill the economy further:

1.) The people who have money (from jobs) don’t want to “pay” for everyone else’s healthcare, so they’ll stop buying junk food. (like they did smoking... beautiful Chantix)
2.) People who can’t afford junk food now, certainly can’t afford it now its taxed to death.
3.) Decreased sales of junk food mean that manufacturers lose revenue, meaning junk food workers get laid off, factories get closed, businesses that maintained the factories get laid off, junk food delivery people get laid off, supermarkets make less profit, lay cashiers off.
4.) Expected revenue on snack taxes don’t meet the goals to pay for healthcare plan, so the Government taxes something else, which then sends whatever that is into bankruptcy.

So, you can clearly see that junk food is good for the economy, and just in case, I have a semi truck of Little Debbie products being delivered today.

Someone needs to make a law that makes it illegal to allow cats to roam freely without tags, vaccines, or supervision so they can poop in flower beds and mark their pee on bushes. Oh wait, that’s already a law and nobody follows it, which is why I had to dig cat crap out of my flower bed this week? Yeah, well, then we need to make a law that makes it illegal to.... oh freakin never mind, just keep making up stupid laws that nobody enforces and follows so we can have total chaos and anarchy and cat poop in my flower bed. I think I’ll go apply mascara and trim my toenails while I drive... but I won’t send a text message, cuz that’s illegal.

Here’s a new drinking game: every time a media person says “Controversial” take a drink, because they only use that word to describe something that is a conservative statement, thought, idea, or concept, or is against something Liberals want/like. Listen for it.

No we won’t release torture pictures
Yes, we will release torture pictures
Nope, I’ve made up my mind, no torture pictures

Nothing better than decisive leaders.

Congress just passed a bill that will spend $6.4 BILLION dollars on schools. Now before you do a happy dance that kids will get better educations, teachers will get better pay, books will be purchased or something silly like that... this money only goes to making schools “green”. Pffft, silly you, why would they spend money on actual education? That would be frivolous compared to converting the buildings so they don’t kill the earth.

Nancy Pelosi.... where to even begin with her. I think I’ll just say that its been fun watching the Democrats turn on themselves, but its REALLY gonna get fun now that she’s called an entire administration AND a three-letter agency a pack of liar, liar pants on fires. I’ve got the popcorn at the ready and can’t wait for the next press conference where she claims that aliens kidnapped her and sent a robot to make the last statement. Then I expect the admission that she has a drinking problem after being molested as a child and goes to rehab. That would be one reality show that I actually watch.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

One of "those" days

Before I go throw myself in bed and hope the Mayans were a few years off on the prediction for the end of the world and actually it will happen tomorrow so I don’t have to go to work (yes, I would rather that the whole planet die than go to work... seriously, don’t you?) let me tell you about my day.

Some of you will say “oh geez, really, that’s nothing, let me tell you about MY day” and frankly, just stop right there, I don’t want to hear it. This isn’t a contest, this is all about ME, its MY blog and dammit I had the worst day, there, blue ribbon awarded, contest over.

We start off with an idiot on the road who decided to pace me as I tried to gain enough speed to merge into the treacherous Maryland highway traffic. I nearly sideswiped said idiot because he was right in my blind spot. I slowed, so did he, I sped, so did he. Luckily the mighty 4 cylinder RAV4 was more powerful than his hunk of junk yard waste hauling truck and I outran him before I ran out of merge area... and gave him the finger. If the driver is reading this... I hope you die.

Got into the office and dragged my cup to the Flavia machine and had to wait for three other people to get their coffee before I plunked my foil packet of House Blend in the machine. It made a strange noise, puked out water all over the counter, clunked a few times then told me to call for help as it was mortally wounded. I ignored its pleas and walked over to the other kitchen place ALL the way around the stupid building and got my coffee. Luckily someone was able to fix the issue by the time I was ready for cup #2, but good gah.

When I finally did sit down I see in my e-mail that someone wants me to go to their place for a meeting in an hour. Are you freaking kidding me? I JUST sat down! I respond with a counter-office of after lunch and luckily this appeased them.

Fast forward to after lunch when I’m driving to the place to have the meeting while happily sipping my iced venti 2 pump mocha when I get a funny feeling. Funny as in cold where its not suppose to be and yes, there is the icing on the cake of my day (or so I thought) I am dribbling iced mocha all over the crotch of my tan pants. Lovely, now I look like a projectile pooped my pants or have some sort of horrendously disgusting urinary issue ( and before you laugh, there was a medical case where some guy had colostomy or something and when they hooked the plumbing back up apparently the fudge factory was connected to the lemonade factory, etc. and I’m sure its true because I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend’s aunt’s sister by marriage via e-mail).

Ok, so luckily I have a jacket in the RAV and I stylishly tie it around my waist with one arm strategically falling over the soiled area, and I totally didn’t look like a dork with poop looking stains walking into the building, nor walking around inside either.

It was at this point that I decided that the day was shot and I should just go home, so I did. Just no reason to hang around while a bird poops on my head or something worse, I’ll just go home and at least have a change of clothes.

Get home and decide to spot clean some... spots. What with two dogs with stomach issues, things were a bit out of control on the carpet, so I steam cleaned some of the more interesting areas, and then went to feed the dogs... and somehow managed to drop Loki’s full food bowl upside down on the kitchen floor. Poor pup didn’t know what to think, but helped me clean up the mess and I got him a fresh bowl of food.

I don’t even want to go into the torrential downpours, the fact that Meeshka slid in mud and dislodged one of the vital jury rigged with duct tape downspout things causing a bit of drainage problems in our back porch thing, because after the dog bowl incident, everything is pretty much a denial situation.

I just checked the weather for tonight and see that we’re suppose to get thunderstorms around 2 am, which means I will be clawed awake by a frantic, panting Meeshka and have to take refuge with her in the guest room... which is pretty much the same as our room, but apparently different in some way that calms her, but I’m stuck sleeping on a non-sleep number bed and will wake up paralyzed. So I guess tomorrow will suck too. Whoot.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Good Bye Tech Support

With President Obama’s vow to stop those sneaky evil tax dodging companies from “sheltering” profits overseas, we bow our heads and kiss all manner of tech support good bye. Please, can we have a moment of “Girl from Ipanema” hold music please?

You see, I’m old enough to remember the days of computers that came WITHOUT any sort of telephonic technical support whatsoever. You bought it, that’s all you got. Oh sure, you could purchase (for the price of the computer) some form of telephonic tech support for it, but you could only call between the hours of 8 am and 4 pm, monday through friday mountain time, and typically you sat on hold for hours waiting for someone to pick up your call. This didn’t really help on those Sundays when you are doing your taxes (which are due the next day) and you blue screen of death and there’s nobody there to hear you weep, not even over the phone.

Enter that pesky little “hey businesses, you can hire overseas people and not pay taxes on whatever or something” law and suddenly not only do you get tech support 24X7, but you get a whole whopping year’s worth without selling an organ. Oh sure, if you called during normal business hours you got to talk to an english as a first language type person, but frankly who wants to take a day off to sit in front of your computer and fix it when you can do it at midnight or on the weekend and talk to “Steve” who probably wasn’t Steve and probably wasn’t even in this country. I’m pretty sure that day time tech support came from people who had been vetted by a hiring team, screened to ensure their computer literacy, and actually liked helping people, versus “Steve” who walked out of a bar and lured into a building with the promise of 1 rupee salary and a meal.

Now that the pesky little “shelter” is going away to bring back jobs to the states, you’ll get no 1 year tech support with your computer and when you do call for tech support, you’ll get to hear the droning “We’re sorry, tech support is closed, please try between the hours of 1pm and 1:15pm Monday through Tuesday. Please be seated at your computer and have your credit card waiting for us to tell you to reboot your machine 6 or 7 times”.

Another fun thing to come from all of this are the EXTREMELY high priced toys from toy manufacturers. They’ll have to DRAAAAAG back their manufacturing division to the states, where they couldn’t afford to pay the “minimum wage” requirement, EPA requirements, now the cap and trade requirements and make a profit in the first place. Most likely you’ll get lead coated, melamine laden toys from China when the manufacturers just up and sell their brand name to the Chinese who have absolutely no restrictions on anything.

Speaking of fun, apparently the White House is denying that they will set the White House Press pool on those Chrysler investors that won’t take bare minimum payout and “ease” the company into bankruptcy. They say nobody has threatened them in any way... except to call them in various and sundry press conferences: unpatriotic, vultures, accusing them of demanding tax-payer funded bailouts, revealing their names and addresses to the public... nah, that’s not coercion or threatening at all, especially after what AIG and the other firms went through. What’s a few death threats, Acorn staged protests calling for garroting with piano wire and threats of killing families? Besides, the White House has decided to create its own lexicon to help people better understand what it means.

Blackmail = leverage. Used in a sentence: we leveraged Iran’s nuclear capability and the probability of the U.S. just sitting there while Iran annihilates Israel if Israel doesn’t make nice with Palestine

The White House is still trying to figure out how to simply phrase “whatever VP Biden said, you must have misunderstood it” hedging their bets that VP Biden will never make sense during his tenure as the VP.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

I can't remember

Ok, this whole scatterbrained thing of Chantix has now affected how I take Chantix in that I can’t remember if I took my evening dose of it or not.. now what? Next thing you know I’ll have to set alarms to remind me to go take it, and lay out the pills in little containers that denote the day and time and then the alarm will go off and I’ll get confused and get dressed and go to work at 5pm or something stupid.

Of course I have been considering the possibility that tobacco has killed every last one of my brain cells and I’ll be like this for the rest of my life (except without the gas) and frankly, I’m ok with that really. Apparently when I was coherent I actually worried about things that I didn’t need to worry about, and things actually got done relatively on time (except for sending birthday cards, that never got done on time, so I just started sending birthday cards randomly, because frankly I think its nicer to get a birthday card out of the blue rather than on the day you expect to get a birthday card).

Ok, where was I, yes, the forgetting thing, and since I forgot what I was saying I will say that I had a rip roaring weekend with Icky who drove up here in her rental “car”. I call it a “car” because it had these things you turned to roll down the window, there was no beepy beepy thing that locked and unlocked it, and frankly I was surprised it moved. The lack of technology was astounding... how did people live without power everything?

We hit the thrift store and saw a dude looked like a lady doing some shopping, we mocked the clothes, the people, the fact that workers hung naked barbie dolls in plastic bags, and couldn’t really figure out the whole random stuff in a bag as it didn’t have a common theme (toys and rat poison in one bag... party streamers and condolence cards) we rather liked the whole macabre setting of it though.

What friend visit is complete without a trip to the firing range and lots of eating out. Unfortunately on the new chantix gas, exercise, and no fat diet, the fact that we ate at Red Robin before she left today was a disaster of mammoth proportions about an hour later. Speaking of, one of my pups has the runs and that was yet another fun fest that welcomed hubby and I home. Poor sickly poo tummy pup must have eaten some bad grubs or something. He’s the wee baby of the lot of them, a mamma’s dog that hubby calls a bitchy little girl. Mamma’s dog is competing with Chantix on the international gas off right now, my eyes are watering and I may have to flee the room except for the fact that my ass will still follow me... DAMN YOU RED ROBIN HAMBURGER!!!!!

Gleefully I did not watch any news or read any news web sites, so I can only assume that the world has succumbed to swine flu, the current administration not only spent all of the U.S. money but now feels entitled to spend the money of British citizens, and tomorrow will still be monday and I’ll have to work... sonofa....

Friday, May 01, 2009

What a Wonderful Day

Yesterday I got my new passport in the mail. It came with a brochure that gave you all sorts of info (sign the stupid thing in pen, put your address and ER contact in pencil, don’t lose it moron), and on the back of the pamphlet there is a handy Influenza Pandemic blurb complete with web site... um, do influenza pandemics break out all over the world without my knowledge or was this just a wacky coincidence that there’s one going on right now?

After Wii cardio kicked my butt, I got out of the house to run my friday chores. Had to pick up a refill on the beautiful Chantix (I admit dear Chantix, I did take three puffs from a menthol cig the other day, then spent the next hour dry heaving... I’ve learned (sigh) yes I have), which required me to go to a drugstore... during a pandemic... sonofa...

Yep, you betcha. Despite the fact that all of 8 people in Maryland HAD what they suspect was swine flu (but have recovered without hospitalization and absolutely no bad mojo) and are STILL waiting for the official results, and despite the fact that the Governor has convened a “Swine Flu Advisory Board” (cha ching, taxpayer money go flush), there was someone in the pharmacy drive through window screaming at the technician that they wanted FIVE packs of paper masks and why can’t she go get the Tami-flu stuff from the store and bring it to her. I laughed. I laughed harder when the tech said “ma’am, you have your paper mask, come into the store and get it yourself, this is the window for prescriptions”. I hear they closed a school... the horses must still be in their barn there.

Speaking of horses, I’ve decided that on my resume I’m going to put that I own two horse racing tracks, several banks and 2 car manufacturers.

After the terror of the swine flu pharmacy visit, I went to eat at a spot that we call the “usual friday lunch spot”. We loved this place, just opened, the bartender is fantastic, food is fantastic, service is fantastic, prices are pretty good, but its a comfortable place to go. Except that apparently bartender is no longer there, service sucks, the food is going downhill, and the waiter actually hounded our party to look over timeshare pamphlets from his second job. Um... so much for the “usual friday lunch spot”.

Icky is driving up so we can Thelma and Louise all weekend. This, of course, meant that the home alarm system went bat shit and started beeping wildly. Apparently the back up battery is dying, as batteries tend to do. The helpful help guy that I called said we can just go out and get another, we only have to wrap some wires on the thing and... um, F that, I pay for a maintenance agreement so
a.) why didn’t someone call and tell me “hey, your battery is old, better replace it, and
b.) I pay a maintenance agreement, get one of your techs out to do it

So, monday from 8am until the third of 2010, a technician will be out. Great. In the meantime we can expect the random beeping of the ”battery is dying“ thing... hey, we didn’t want to leave the house this weekend anyway, really... f’ers.

I think that Icky and I will go buy some $540 sneakers and go help out at a homeless shelter... ok, screw that, I’m wearing 2 year old chucks that I got on sale for $15 and going to a thrift store. What says ”F YOU“ better than wearing $540 sneakers at a food bank as you hand out some cake. I take my three dogs out at 5 a.m. and feed them every morning (before going to a full time job) and I do it in a pair of Walmart knock off sneakers... because cleaning poop off of Lanvin and Gucci is just too much work. My all time favorite quote is: “They’re shoes,” the First Lady’s reps sniffed when curious reporters inquired about the fancy footwear.“ Um... you want us to tighten our belts while you blow money on $540 shoes, fly Air Force One and scare the shit out of New York, and the myriad of other ways you shovel OUR money out the door... hello, media? Sara Palin wardrobe frenzy and yet here... nothing?