Monday, April 20, 2009

What Day is it? Where have I been?

Of course the moment I sat down I hear the toilet still running and had to go jiggle the handle, which meant I was off distracted by something else (pretty lights) and just now got back here after an hour of wandering around the house trying to figure out what the heck I was actually doing before the toilet handle jiggle.

Ok, just a few ramblings, and I expect you’ll want to know how the whole Chantix (Hi lover) is doing so far. Still gaseous, bloated, cranky, and don’t care. So, there’s the update.

A few days ago the twitter-verse was all typing about how there was some competition between Ashton Kutcher and CNN as to who would become the first to get a million followers. Seeing how I loathe, despise, and spit on CNN more than Ashton (who the hell is that, oh the kid married to Demi Moore) Kutcher, so I started following Kutcher to help him win over CNN, which he did, yahoo, there was much rejoicing and apparently some people that needed mosquito nets got them and it was a good thing and all, but... I couldn’t get rid of him once I was following him. No amount of unfollow, go away, block, or restraining order would get rid of his inane ranting (and no, I don’t want to hear about your colon cleansing... maybe I do from someone I actually know, but not you). I finally was able to block him, I think... I keep waiting for him to pop up again and tell me all about Demi’s stretch marks... which I would be interested in hearing about actually... but nothing else.

I see in the news that one of the Slum Dog Millionaire star’s father is trying to sell the kid. Apparently the general populace is against that for some reason. Ok, seriously, they didn’t seem that concerned when the father rented the kid to Hollywood and got the star treatment. They also didn’t seem that concerned that the price for renting the kid amounted to 2 goats, 4 sacks of rice and a house in the sewer fields where they currently live in a cardboard box (all attempts to move them to a dung pile was rejected because they didn’t want to send their daughter to a new dump to dig for food, since all of her friends were at the sewage pile dump and they were afraid she wouldn’t adapt well). I mean there are people right here in this country that rent out their womb with a view as surrogates and that’s all peachy keen, so at what age isn’t it ok to sell your kid? You can abort them, sell them straight from the womb, adopt them out, but you can’t sell them? You totally expect social services to swoop in after she’s lived in a chicken pen for 10 years and declare the chicken coop unfit, then whoop and celebrate when they go and sell her off to some celebrity? Why can’t the family reap some rewards for a change?

I’m going to introduce a bill into Congress that allows workers to body slam and kick co-workers who stand in doorways, or in the middle of a hall, or in front of the coffee maker and have conversations. I figure it won’t pass unless I add the amendment that says all workers have to attend mandatory body slam and kicking classes that cost roughly 3.3 trillion dollars.

Slim Fast 4 hour protein bars are REALLY freakin tasty, but they last about 30 seconds before you want more food. I guess eating the entire box in one sitting defeats the purpose of them entirely. Who knew that a “serving” of Tums was 10 calories. I guess I’d better stop eating them as guilt free snacks then.

A New York lawmaker wants to outlaw fast food places less than 500 feet from schools. Since most schools banned Physical Education years back and now are puzzled about the whole child obesity problem, it must be fast food too close to schools. By banning them and making them at least 501 feet away, the kids will have to walk farther for a Big Mac and the schools can say that they’ve implemented a Physical Education program and get money for it. Ok, only the first two sentences are true, which still makes the law asinine and the lawmaker an asshat. The lawmaker actually had the gall to say “Government has to make it easier to be a parent”. Then why the hell did government mandate the distribution of condoms in schools, eh? Freakin morons. Oh! Looking back I think what he meant by that was that the Government should take over as a parent so parents can go score some crack shortly before they collect their unemployment. Gotcha, I’m tracking with you now. Oh wait, he gave an example: His kid whines and cries to go to McDonalds and he has to say NO, like the big meanie he is, and since he’s a spineless asshat, he can’t deprive his loving 300lb third grader another Big Mac, so by moving the fast food away from the schools, he won’t have to actually teach his mammoth kid that just because you cry, scream, call your parents names, and throw a tantrum like how the majority of today’s society acts, people just give in and give you whatever you want to shut you up. I get it!

Yep, that’s about it for today.

Ok, I just had to add that I just got an e-mail from Fedex telling me to act now and save 21%, so I need to go find something to Fedex to someone just so I can save 21%... hey, if Department of Homeland Security can “save” $52 million by buying office supplies in bulk, I can “save” money by mailing something I didn’t need to mail. See, I get the whole stimulus thing.

3 comments:

Tracey and Huffle said...

I can't understand why the government hasn't hired you to be their economic adviser. Seriously.

The Girlz said...

Actually, the government has a contract with the local ice cream truck, who has been hired to lure the children away to a McDonald's. The only problem was that the ice cream truck union would not allow its drivers to go further than 499 feet from the driveway of the school. Pushing the McDonald's to 501 feet gives these poor children two extra feet of fitness training before joyfully rejoicing in the cool of the Mickey Ds! Now everyone is happy and all feel quite a sense of achievement!

chantix said...

do you all always buying something?
I think we need to buy what we need.