Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sweet Chantix, huh?

I see that either an automated googler has thrown a standardized blog comment on my blog, or Chantix is actually spying on me, and seems non too pleased that I’m not having a zippity doo dah, bluebird on my shoulder experience with their smoking cessation pill. Hey Chantix, at least you aren’t the makers of the Commit lozenges because seriously those do taste like ass.

So, Chantix blog commenter points out that the only reason my doctor prescribed it was because the benefit of horrible gas pains, bloating, nausea, and constipation were WAY much better than smoking... last night as I writhed in pain I would have begged to differ on that one. The REAL reason my doctor handed over an RX was my weeping and begging on the phone so I wouldn’t have to suck on ass lozenges anymore, and frankly, my doctor doesn’t have to sleep next to me when I waft the covers, so of course she’ll write me a script for it.

I’m curious dear Chantix blog commenter, if I had said that Chantix impregnated me with zombie babies, would you still insist that zombie babies were a minor side effect and much better than smoking, because I’m pretty sure the anti-zombie coalition would be all up your ass on that one, and frankly I’d take smoking over giving birth to some brain eating zombie, unless of course I could do it at work and sit back, smoke and watch the carnage. Might I also point out the whole not pooping for... forever and fear of perforated bowel thing, which I don’t consider a minor side effect even if you insist.

Ok, just so everyone relaxes, and please feel free to have a party with cake at the announcement that the genie is out of the bottle... um... the fireworks have started... the cat is out of the bag... OH FOR GAWD’S SAKE I POOPED ALL RIGHT??? My gah, do I have to spell everything out for all of you? I was going to go into great detail about how it happened at work where we have “green” toilets that require you to sort your bodily functions as “up for #1, down for #2”, and how it totally took three down knobs, and got a comment from the rude woman who TOTALLY did not respect one stall empty rules and deserved what she got... but I figured that might be TMI. Oh wait, I don’t care still, so there you have it.

Yeah, so there’s a huge load off my mind, among other places, except now I can’t seem to stop pooping. Add that to the list of non-blue bird on my shoulder Chantix shenanigans.

They should really add the cravings for strange things minor symptom on the box because today I craved Egg Salad. Ok, I craved it last night when my friend Icky texted me about having never eaten egg salad, but I had guacamole (mmmm guacamole) so I didn’t care, but around lunch time I really cared and wanted one. I expect that tomorrow I’ll develop a craving for pickle pigs feet (the kind you find in the jar at run down gas stations), a beer, and perhaps some baked beans.

Ok, random thoughts of the day, as told by someone distracted by anything that moves:

1.) Apparently a volcano is erupting on the Galapagos islands and threatening rare wild life that only grows on that island. Protestors are demanding that the volcano cease erupting to protect the wild life, or demand that the volcano move some place else. The U.S. Government is suing the volcano for violating emission standards and contributing to climate chaos.

2.) Kids are grinding smarties, inhaling them and blowing smartie dust out of their mouths and noses. Experts concerned this will lead to smoking. I’m concerned that the experts aren’t more concerned about the IQ of these kids, and the fact a health care officials warned that maggots will get in their noses.

3.) The FAMILY easter egg hunt was entertained by Fergie and Ziggy Marley. Ziggy wowed the audience with his rendition of “I shot the sheriff” and “Pass the koutchi” while Fergie performed a strip tease on the stage and pretended to masturbate. (Ok, Ziggy Marley actually does charitable work and good things, but I couldn’t resist, as for Fergie, well... here’s a review from Icky (who is a mom with tattoos and piercings) on the both of them:
“Let's see, role models...isn't he a pot smoker (even if it's his religion) and I'm guessing you mean Fergie the singer and not the Duchess of York (I like her)...Fergie the singer, who usually has her ass hanging out of her skirt, i mean belt, no i think it's a skirt. where her songs are all pop music drivil, unlike Pink who at least has some decent emotions in her songs and even a hint of do you own thing grrrl. Ziggy is pretty good looking though, plus his comic strip was usually pretty funny”

4.) The Wii thinks I’m an uncoordinated moron, but my BMI and weight are just hunky dorey, which means the Wii is a liar liar pants on fire and can’t detect the inner tube of goo around my waist that needs either toning or sucked out with a shop vac. It also thinks I’m 8 years older than I really am because my balance sucks... either that or it can sense the walker on the Wii fit pad.

5.) If you don’t run a lot (or ever) and you get a Wii, don’t forget a sports bra (this will pertain to some men as well actually) and they have Wii wrist and arm bands, Wii water bottle, Wii towel, why the hell don’t they have a fricken Wii bra right there?

6.) I saw a syringe plunger laying in the hall of my workplace. I have no idea, but damn nobody shared. Which brings me to:

6a.) Apparently Florida is contemplating tracking prescription drugs because people are getting thousands of controlled substances prescribed to them and selling them for $5 a pill. Are YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I swear I had my leg severed by a lawn mower and all they gave me was three 600mg motrins with no refill!!!! Ok, I didn’t sever my leg with a lawn mower, and they were actually 800mg motrins, but still!!!!?????

7.) See the new Disney film called “Earth” and Disney will plant a tree. Perfect deal for Inactivists. What did you do to save the earth? Drove to a theater, ate popcorn and soda, watched a movie. Way to go!

8.) Peanut munch has been improved so much that it now tastes like particle board.

9.) Drinking green tea with antioxidants will keep you from rusting and deflect William Ayers... get it... free radical... shut up.

10.) Hallmark laying off a bazillion people just because all of you selfish bastards don’t care to send the very best... I hope you are happy.


vicki said...

not that there's anything wrong with pot smoking...just that we aren't supposed to tell our kids is OK :)

OOOOH get Wii pasties and make a stripper game!! extra points for getting them to twirl in opposite directions

Tracey and Huffle said...

Words fail me at this point.

Painter Pack said...

Oh my gosh....You rock! That's all I can come up with! I love reading your stuff!!! Plungers and all!

Painter Pack Mom

jen said...

i'm sitting in the waiting room on the birthing floor of the hospital (as my baby is in the nicu and i can only go see him so often) and your post is making me stare at my laptop and wonder if i'm hallucinating.

oh... and try an ethnic grocery store for the pickled pigs feet.