Thursday, April 30, 2009

The news in a nutshell (as told by a nut)

1.) Larabars taste like poop, I chewed twice and spit it out in the trash. How can someone make apples into a vile gooey concoction? How hard is it to make tasty food that’s good for you? Really? Next time I’ll just buy a freakin apple.

2.) Personal spending is up, which everyone seems to think is a good thing, but I happen to think that since joblessness is way up, mortgage foreclosures are way up, that recently unemployed people are blowing money like the wind and won’t be able to pay it off if they can’t get a job... but that’s just what I would do. You know, cartons and cartons of little debbie snack cakes shoved in the back of the house to last me during those lean times.

3.) U.S. Taxpayers will provide assistance to P.O.W.s released from Guantanamo to “ease their transition” back into mainstream society.... um, no.

4.) This morning I was driving to work, going the speed limit. A truck whipped up behind me, obviously in a hurry (um, leave earlier next time butthead) and started doing that slight weaving back and force, impatient, right on my bumper passive aggressive things. I remained at the speed limit and may have slowed down a tad. I really do think that these types of people need to be culled from the gene pool, as he was obviously close enough to read the NRA sticker on my window and yet still pissed me off for 3 miles.

5.) Mexico shuts down until Cinco de Mayo... clever marketing ploy or swine flu. Heck, I’ll take a mandatory 5 days vacation. Oh sure, my company won’t pay for it, but I figure the government will... oh wait, I’m a U.S. citizen, so I don’t get stuff like that, I just pay other people to have time off and stuff. That’s ok, I’m convinced that the swine flu is a global conspiracy to rid the world of non-breeders. Here’s how it works: we don’t close the borders because the horse is already out of the barn, but we close schools (who apparently don’t have horses). Kids not going to school means going to daycare, but I’m sure they’ll also close daycare, which means parents (breeders) have to stay home with their kids who are out of school. That leaves (as usual) the people who don’t breed (the workers) at the workplace. They are destined to get swine flu because some idiot who is sick always comes in when he/she is sick because THEY’RE JUST THAT (self) IMPORTANT... thus contaminating all workers, leaving only the breeders, whose sole function is to continue popping out more taxpayers to pay to keep the government rolling in dough and flying Air Force One over previously terrorized cities and showing the video of screaming crapping their pants people on Youtube so they can beat Susan Boyle in video viewing count. Oh sure, sounds bizarre, but just mark my words...

6.) Just how many stupid press conferences does this administration have to have? It seems like one has one, then someone has to come on to explain exactly what the other meant, or to repeat what the other said, then someone else has one to go over what was said and clarify what someone said last week, or to tell someone they’re sorry about the U.S. doing something or other. For instance, VP Biden said on NBC Today that he’s telling his family not to ride in confined things because if you’re in a field and sneeze a tree falls but nobody hears it, but if you take the subway to Mexico you’ll die... or something like that. Promptly an hour later there was a press conference to say that the entire world misunderstood VP Biden who clearly said to wash your hands. Then Janet My entire body could block the Mexican border Napalatano or however you spell her name came out and said that horses were running freely, gramps fell into the well and the U.S. was sorry, and VP Biden was very wise to instruct people not to use their hands as a kleenex. Transparency doesn’t mean pre-empting everything on tv to remind us to wash our hands after we let the horse out of the barn, our mothers taught us that when we were really young and frankly having a President talking about peeing is pretty disgusting... what... that’s not what he meant? Never mind.

7.) You rotten selfish bastard Chrysler investors how dare you want to break even on your investment and put your selfish economic interests ahead of and to the detriment of the national interest...I didn’t say that, the White House did and shortly afterwards, the peaceful ACORN activists lynched the children of the Chrysler investors and were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for saving the car company for the good of the people... or something like that.

8.) Hey, speaking of toxic assets, has anyone heard how many private investors have bought those nasty, stinky, bad mortgages for the good of the country? Yeah, me either.

9.) While not on the news, I actually had to buy canned dog food and some pee remover stuff, so I went to Petsmart and bought a case of canned dog food and a gallon of pee stink remover and plopped it on the counter. As I was signing the credit card slip, the cashier asked me what kind of dog I had. I picked up the stuff and said “I don’t have a dog” and walked out. I think I heard her head explode behind me. I did contemplate peeing myself on the way out, but I had three meetings that afternoon, and that’s kinda hard to explain, even for a good joke.

10.) This weekend my friend Icky is coming up to visit and we’re going thrift shopping and stuff... I have paper masks... oh you know what fun we’ll be having! heheheheheee


Opy - the Original GruffPuppy said...

Please send us a picture for "Please not in public" :)


Tracey and Huffle said...

I don't need to read the news. I just come here.