Friday, April 03, 2009

Dear Congress and Senate

Congratulations on passing the new budget. These surely are exciting times for our country, and while some people aren’t embracing the change that is taking our nation into a whole new era, I’m sure they will come around soon enough, thanks to the broad initiatives enacted by our governing body.

I do have a request of you though:

Please let me know when the new health care plan takes effect. You see, my husband and I pay approximately $600 per month for health insurance through our employers, and that seems a bit excessive to us for the amount of care that we actually require. We are healthy, middle aged, no children, and usually just go to preventative care screenings, with the occasional cold or flu visit. We are very interested in the new Obama health care plan because we will need to give up our jobs very soon.

You see, although our combine income is in the 6 figures, neither of us have a degree. President Obama has challenged each and every U.S. citizen to seek an education and benefits such as his were not provided to us under past administrations, therefore we will be seeking our free college benefits after performing our mandatory volunteer service to the country. Although we have both served in the military, we still feel that we can provide assistance to our country through our learned experiences, and at the same time be eligible for the free education benefits. Because we will be sacrificing our time to both college and our volunteer efforts for the good of our nation, we will have to give up our full time, well paying jobs with benefits in order to assistance our country in becoming more energy efficient, smarter, and better.

Although I’m sure we’ll have some time to get part time jobs, most likely in retail, so that we have the flexibility to volunteer and go to school, we will most likely be unable to pay our mortgage so if you could send me the URL where I can fill out a TARP money request for assistance with my mortgage, I would appreciate it. I understand that by requesting TARP funds, the government will pick and choose what salary and bonuses I am entitled to, we totally understand. Additionally, we will agree not to make more than minimum wage while we are under TARP, and all bonuses will be turned over to the taxpayers, even if it comes in the form of Chik-Filet coupons or gift cards.

Although the federal withholding from our six-figure salaries will decrease dramatically after we start our lives of volunteerism and education, we can rest assured that the increased government spending will lift us from this horrible recession inherited fully from the past administration. Everyone knows that if you get less money, you spend more to get out of debt. We will be following the government’s lead in that endeavor by spending the same amount of money on our minimum wage pay as we did on our six-figure salary. Thank you for showing us the way to fiscal responsibility and proving that decades of prosperity were merely an illusion.

Oh, and one last thing, I hope you aren’t upset, but as a couple without children, we didn’t think it proper that our smoking (which affects the children’s health) should help pay for children’s healthcare, so we quit. You will want to subtract $730 from the expected amount of revenue to support SCHIP. We hope that isn’t an inconvenience.

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