Monday, March 30, 2009

That's it, I quit

I’m putting you all on notice that as of tomorrow morning, I’m quitting smoking.

Oh yeah, I bet you care now that there’s an ammo shortage (or actually you all may feel somewhat safer because there’s an ammo shortage, who knows).

Now, what could it be that is causing me to throw away the cancer sticks after all these long years of enjoyment (and pissing off non-smokers)? Could it be that I’m finally concerned about my health? Could it be that I’m tired of killing the entire earth with every exhale (or turning on a lightbulb for that matter).

Nope, couldn’t give a rat’s backside about any of those things, but I do draw the line at a $1.00 tax on every pack of smokes sold after 31 March 2009. As you can see in the story:

“The increase in the federal tobacco tax will finance a major expansion of health insurance for children. Over the next four and a half years, it's expected to raise nearly $33 billion.”

Um... did they take into consideration that a buttload of people are going to quit smoking because of this tax, then Congress wants to regulate tobacco under the FDA, which will totally hose up smokes in the future, meaning more people are going to quit. Whose gonna fund the kiddie health care then when cigarette revenues fail to reach the expected $33 billion? Yep, I’m guessing that beer will be next in line for the massive tax jump, or smoking cessation things like lozenges or patches will be taxed up the ying.

Of course I’ve picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue (ok, I don’t sniff glue, its a quote from one of the “Airplane” movies), what with our government taking over a car company, Chrysler merging with Fiat (check out the 2009 Chrysler Cordoba), taxpayers now taking over car warranties, and you can now get a Myspace degree, all things that I’m pretty sure that Nostradamus predicted in one of his rambling silly poems that signal the end of days.

My all time favorite thing of the day has to be the “Smart Grid” concept by President Obama. Sure, wouldn’t it be cool to have a smart grid? Especially on the eve of the conficker virus perhaps exploding throughout all crappy Windows computers and pretty much shutting down everyone but the most talented, artistic, smart people who have Macs, and yes, I will have a computer running after 1 April 2009 because I’m just that smart, talented, and amazing.

“Hey, why don’t my lights turn on???” Damn that Conficker!

It all goes back to that Obama commercial where he’s talking about clean coal (and those pro and con commercials are getting a bit old), and how we could send a man to the moon, we can clean coal... um, well, yeah, but do you know how long that took and how MUCH that cost? I mean come on, we’re running car industries, a zillion banks, insurance companies, car warranty companies and now you want us to come up with a Smart Grid when Windows can’t even keep a virus from crashing its systems. Yeah, you keep on waiting, that’s top on our list of things to do right after we forage for food and beat off the IRS who is after the McDonalds gift cert I got as a thank you from my company.

Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, so I’m quitting smoking. I have one smoke I’m saving for tonight, then when I wake up I’ll start sucking on a Commit lozenge (cherry, but I got a container of free latte ooooh). They actually look like the containers that the itty bitty M&Ms come in, so I’m sure I won’t be abusing those things for a buzz at all tomorrow, and just like the other times I’ve tried to quit, I’m sure I won’t rip someone’s head off and ... no, this will be different than the Chantix experience... it better be, although I can’t see how a lozenge would give me uncontrollable diarrhea , but we shall see!


krystal said...

Ok first off LOL! LOL again! Great post.
And good for you to stop smoking one side of me wants to while the other side of doesn't. I hate have a the good and evil sides of me!

Tracey and Huffle said...

1. I am glad I'm on the other side of the world.

2. Good on you for giving up smoking.

3. Tell Gil he has a safe haven here if he needs it :)

4. Good luck! Oodles of moral support heading your way.