Monday, December 28, 2009

Words Fail Me

This latest terrorist attempt... oh sorry, I mean this latest Man-caused near disaster has me speechless. I'm speechless with stupidity.

Apparently I don't get how denying travelers blankets and pillows will stop a terrorist.

I'm speechless at how Mr. Fiscal Responsibility, who is renting a Hawaiian compound for his friends and family manages to take time out of his busy vacation of golfing and partying to thank the brave citizens for jumping the killer and saving the flight (dude! The bomb was a dud, we should be thankful we weren't mourning the death of potentially thousands of victims on Christmas).

I'm speechless at how this cold blooded terrorist now has all the rights of the American citizens that he attempted to kill and is being treated as though he shoplifted.

I'm speechless how Mr. Golf praised citizens for thwarting an "isolated extremist"... how about citizens doing the job of your inept Department of Homeland Security who had him on a watch list, had a warning from his father, and still let him get on one of our planes.

I'm speechless about the money that will be spent to "review" the "incident" to find out how this happened. We've had a Major in the army e-mailing Al Quada, we've had the Crotch bomber e-mailing Al Quada and his father ratting him out... how do you think it happened other than your incompetence? Hello?

Granted, if the father had e-mailed the warning and said "Greetings, I'm a rich Nigerian banker and need your help..." I can see where that might have been deleted as spam, but still....

I'm speechless at "experts" getting on tv and broadcasting which seats are prime terrorist spots because of their vulnerabilities.

I'm speechless that our DHS leader thinks the system worked, then didn't work.

I'm speechless that somebody isn't pointing their finger at Bush yet (wait for it).

I'm surprised that they didn't say the pants bomber did it because he couldn't get health insurance.

I'm speechless that there is talk that providing x-ray machines that may reveal a passenger's yoohoo is being held up because people will be offended that some stranger will see their x-ray shaped yoohoo.

I'm speechless that our fearless leader has the gall to tell us that "we will not rest until we get those responsible", um, I thought we weren't going to rest until we had jobs, and we weren't going to rest until we had Bin Laden, and we weren't going to rest until we played that back nine... oh wait, that last one is probably the only one that will actually get done.

I'm speechless that the excuse from Gibbs is that there is 500,000 names on the terror watch list... we use computers you dolt, its not just one guy with a freakin pencil so it doesn't take that long to do a search on a name you idiot. And for that matter, if there are 500,000 people we suspect of wanting to kill us... shouldn't we be rounding them up and locking them up instead allowing them to show up at airports and saying "sorry, no ticket for you"? At the very least, the list will be much shorter.

so yeah... I'm speechless, can you tell?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Enough of the Snow, Someone come take it away


Part of the "fun" of owning Siberian Huskies is that they tend to wake you at 4am because they want to go play in the snow... and boy did we get snow. A ton of snow, 80 feet of snow... ok, it wasn't 80 feet, more like 2, but it drifted to like 4 feet, and then there's the wonderful snowplow that plowed the street which means we had 12 feet of packed chunky snow in our driveway... fine, it wasn't that much, but it felt like it.

So, bright and early, hubby and I were out shoveling out from all this crap, I mean; beautiful serene snow.

After 5 minutes hubby leans on his shovel and says: "Quick, go untie your tubes and squirt us out some 16 year olds to shovel this crap". I explained that the birthing process doesn't necessarily squirt out ready-to-shovel 16 year olds and in this day, they would be obese diabetic sloth children who would call protective services on us for even suggesting we put them to work. "Fine!" hubby snorted (which isn't a good thing to do in the cold because of nose icicle issues), then he proceeded to blame me for being selfish and not having the forward thinking to squirt out some kids 16 years ago so that we wouldn't have to shovel our driveway. I didn't hear the whole rant because I was distracted by someone driving by with a snow blower in the back of their truck and was trying to whore myself out to get them to come blow our cars free. Me, selfish? pffft. When the truck kept driving I turned to cursing them and flipped them off, but that's ineffective when wearing mittens.

After we had shoveled our drive, cleared off the trucks and reminisced about the good old days when neighbors came out and helped each other and people with snow blowers would spontaneously help their neighbors out, blah blah, bitch and moan... the neighborhood came alive with people with snow blowers helping each other out. THE BASTARDS!

So we left and went to Starbucks... and tried running them over on the way out of the driveway.

Oh, and you'll be pleased to know that my company's "holiday" party was finally canceled... so I bought a dress for nothing and don't have to teeter around in 2 feet snow in heels and freeze my butt off getting there... I'm crushed, which is why I'm sitting around in sleepy pants sipping hot chocolate. I'll get over it.

Friday, December 18, 2009

She's Fallen and She Got Back Up

Its been a while since I’ve ranted, but don’t fear, I’m still keeping a journal of rant topics. Unfortunately by the time I get off my butt and write them out, they’ll be so old that I won’t remember why these things made me so mad. Whatever, you’ll just have to suffer through them anyway.

Since I’m snowbound by the STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE MILLENNIUM OF THE UNIVERSE, and thankfully didn’t have to go to a stupid company “holiday” party (because my firm is too much of a pussy to call it Christmas and face the wrath of morons that scream “SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND PRIVATELY OWNED FIRM” or something like that), because instead of screwing us out of $35 bucks for the party and canceling it, they moved it to Sunday, where I’m sure we’re now double-booked with someone’s wedding reception and all of the guests will be wondering A.) who are all the drunks, and B.) why do they speak in acronyms and describe the food like “That curry is a paradigm shift outside the box”.

So, instead of wearing uncomfortable heels and pretending like I actually LIKE the people I work with and am not at a party simply because its cheap food and free alcohol and the annual bet when someone wearing a WAAAAY too small strapless dress will fall out of it while doing the electric glide, I’m in sleepy pants with stew in the crock pot procrastinating on doing anything because we’re HAVING An UNPRECEDENTED BLIZZARD OF EPIC PROPORTIONS DURING CLIMATE CHAOS GLOBAL WARMING-VILLE.

Which reminds me of my blog title and you’re probably getting impatient and waiting for me to actually get to the subject... fine, be that way...

I called my mom. Well, actually she called my cell phone while I was pushing a cart filled with heavy dog food in the pet store, which isn’t conducive to answering a phone ringing in the bowels of my bag, but by the time I dug it out and removed the gum wrapper off the case, she had hung up, so I had to call her back.

She spent 20 minutes yammering about life in general while I tried to maneuver the wide load cart through the narrow crap filled aisles until she got to the part where she said “Oh, and I fell down and I wanted to tell you before your sister called and told you.” That stopped me cold in the aisle because the last time she “called before my sister called me” was when she chopped the tip of her finger off with a bandsaw.

Apparently, since she only had cataract surgery done on one eye, her depth perception is crap and she didn’t see that the sidewalk was messed up and she fell, but some nice people (one guy driving by stopped) helped her and made sure she was ok and then saw her to her house and sometimes its nice having your mom live in a small town because had she lived where I do, swarms of idiots would have picked her clean like pirana in seconds. Apparently she cut her chin and scraped her nose and messed up her hand a little, but she claims she’s fine. Of course in the aisle of Petsmart I’m all freaking out because old people bones are more brittle than those balsa wood airplanes you got as a kid and I was picturing one of her arm bones snapping like so much airplane wing with that sickening crunch noise. “Don’t make me put you in a home!” I said, probably too loudly because some woman walking by me stopped and glared at me. “I’ll put my mom in a home if I want!” I snarled at her.

Then I spent the next 15 minutes insisting that I would pay for her cataract surgery premiums but she had to call and make an appointment for the other eye ASAP or else I would put her in a home, which involved the usual “yes, I know you can take care of yourself, no I don’t think you’re senile, yes I know you can save up the money, but why owe an insurance company when you can just owe me money because I don’t charge nearly as much interest as an insurance company, and yes I know those government bastards are trying to take away your medicare benefits and no I promise that I won’t eat you even if you’re made into a tasty italian dish because you aren’t even italian I picture you more as a veal dish, but a lot tougher, and no I won’t break your arm if you don’t pay me back and yes I love you and would visit you in the home if I did stick you in one.” until I could convince her that I wasn’t sending goons to cart her away and she could go back to playing solitaire on her laptop with the tv turned up too loud.

About a half hour later my sister called: “Mom fell down!” she yelled at me all dramatic and freaking out.

“Well, get off the fricken phone and pick her up” I yelled and hung up on her.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Swine Flu Resources

Ok, this post has nothing to do with Swine Flu, unless you count Barbara Mikulski, which can confuse some people.

I’m so relieved to know that Tiger Woods failed to control his vehicle and got a ticket, so I expect that all of the reporters who are covering the story (which includes EVERY reporter in the world) will now go about their business and report on more important things (no, not the State Dinner crashers) something else more newsworthy.

What, I hear you saying, could be more newsworthy than a golfer running into a tree? Well, perhaps one of our wonderful Senators actually introducing an amendment that will guarantee woman mammogram access when they turn 40. What, I hear you moaning, why is that newsworthy? Well, I’ll tell you why that’s newsworthy and should send you into fits of rage... why do we need that amendment?

Didn’t your wonderful Government come out and swear up and down that even though a Government agency says that you don’t NEED a mammogram until well after you turn 50, and after every breast cancer place threw a world class hissy fit over that announcement, that our fearless Government leaders promised that mammogram decisions would remain solely between you and your doctor? Yes, they did... so why an amendment?

Because our wonderful 40 gazillion page healthcare bill that our Government keeps trying to ram down our throats quickly (even though it won’t take effect for years) says that decisions on your health will ALWAYS be between you and your doctor... we just ain’t paying for a whole lot of stuff.

So, yes, you can just go ahead and get one of them there mammograms, but by GAWD you’ll have to pay for it all by yourself if you aren’t 50. That’s why Babs Mikulski of Maryland has introduced this lovely amendment. You may be asking yourself... um, where’s the pap smear love? Where’s that prostate amendment? Where’s the amendment that says I don’t have to take the blue pill and can get a new hip if I need it? Well, nobody has proposed those amendments, so you can just talk that stuff over with your doctor, sorta like those “remember when burst appendix removal was covered under the old healthcare system” talks you have with old friends, and then you can just lay on the floor of the exam room and die because you wanted “universal” healthcare.

Frankly I’m pretty sure that alien anal probe IS covered under the healthcare plan and it will be performed by the IRS to pay for everything.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Aliens Took Me Captive

That’s the only explanation I have for not ranting much sooner. One minute I was soundly asleep, and the next it was months later and so much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin ranting, so the only logical explanation was that aliens took me captive and didn’t have WiFi on the mothership, therefore I have a lot of catching up to do. Thankfully while undergoing horrid physical experiments I was able to catch all of the political news in my journal since aliens are smart and watch FOX news.

1.) Why are technical/career colleges booming? The news actually did a segment on this, and I’m sure (like me) you knew all along why people were flocking to schools that actually TEACH you a trade where you can actually GET a job doing that trade, since going to a “REAL” college takes you 40 years, $50 bazillion dollars, and all you learn is humanities from some guy that read a book by some guy that wrote a book because he once read a book about humanities. Yep, there are just a slew of jobs just waiting for people who have memorized the Gilgamesh Epic from Mesopotamia, but absolutely nothing for someone that can pull an engine out of a car and rebuild it.

2.) The Economic Crisis - Part 1: I heard someone who is paid to talk on tv but knows nothing at all about anything say that the reason the Government is spending all of this money isn’t because they are saving money... the are INVESTING money into the future. OOOOH, so when I buy a car, I’m investing in transportation? That makes sense, since I use the car to get to my job to pay for my car... hmmm, wait a minute, that doesn’t seem very investy. Then if I lose my job, my “investment” gets repossessed and I love my “investment” and all of the money I “invested” in it. Since the Government doesn’t actually create anything (other than more debt) its not like they can use their “investment” to do anything other than spend more money.... we’re doomed.

3.) Ft. Hood Shooter - Terrorist, traitor, coward, should be put to death ASAP. Mayor Daly and Michael “I bought yet another election” Bloomberg need to walk their darkened streets without having their armed guards surrounding them and then let them talk about the 2nd amendment. Remember: we need more strict gun laws so that criminals that don’t follow the law will not follow the more strict gun laws. I really do think we need a band of roving people that do nothing but travel to wherever a public official says something stupid and all the roving band does is point at them and laugh, because trying to talk sense into these people is useless, totally useless. By the way, where is that pesky Hate Crime law that was put into effect by sneaking it into a defense spending bill. Why isn’t that terrorist scum sucking traitor being charged with it?

4.) Closing Gitmo and 9/11 Trials in New York- So, we’re bringing “terrorists” to New York to give them a fair trial... right. AG Holder already said that we’ll convict them and put them to death. One of the defense attorneys has said that the government is never going to let them go. Yep, that’s a fair trial all right. I say close Gitmo and make the terrorists swim back to their home countries, or better yet, set up cameras and leave them alone in the jail and make it a pay-per-view watching as these butchers slowly starve to death. For those of you who think we can make friends of the Taliban and Al Quada, I just point to the fact that our “rehabilitation” of pedophiles has worked so well in this country... how many times must our people die before we realize that some people are wired wrong and aren’t meant to live with law abiding citizens?

5.) Universal Healthcare - Still against it. If people want healthcare, I suggest that they join the military. Not only do you get free healthcare, but you get a job, room and board, a paycheck and all you have to do is serve your country. Congressman John Yarmuth of Kentucky said on a news show that (shockingly) doctors and hospitals use up 40% of healthcare expenditures. Um... who else should healthcare dollars go to? Where is the other 60% going? Instead of blaming doctors and hospitals for spending HEALTHCARE funds why aren’t we looking for where that 60% is going. He also said that the government (not your doctor) will have to GUESS what medical treatment people NEED and what the Government can AFFORD and if you want a certain procedure, you’ll just have to pay for it yourself. Frankly, as one ER doctor puts it here... I totally agree.

6.) Pandemic - The Swine flu may mutate with the Bird Flu, and then we’ll have the When Pigs Fly Flu.

7.) Global Warming - I’ve said all along that its a money making sham for those involved. Unfortunately the lame stream media is ignoring the thousands of hacked e-mails that pretty much say “yep, we’ve been cooking the global warming books” because they say they are “taken out of context” or “not real” and the hackers should be prosecuted. Funny, they didn’t say that when Sarah Palin’s e-mail account got hacked, and what a “public service” that hacker did for the country to reveal... absolutely nothing really. By using e-mail, she was “hiding” something. By using e-mail the global warming snake oil salesmen were merely “coordinating” their research.

8.) Military justice - One of the terrorists that ambushed a contractor vehicle, slaughtered the contractors, burned their bodies, dragged the bodies behind jeeps, then hung the bodies on a bridge for everyone to see was captured and claims to have suffered a cut lip when he was detained. The three Navy Seals that captured him are facing a Court Martial for abuse. Yep, that’s justice. Its better to have our fighting men and woman in a court room facing “abuse” charges from cold blooded killers than doing their jobs.

Ok, that about catches me up on things. Please note that I don’t care if a couple snuck into a State Dinner and got wined and dined and met our government officials, not sure what all the hoopla is about, people have been sneaking into our country for years and eating our food and using our resources when they weren’t invited, why are we picking on this couple?

Also, I predict that the whole Tiger Woods “car accident” went down like this: argument, argument, I’m leaving, fine, take your F’ing golf club with you, smash into back of truck, WTF, aaaaaah, smash, here come the police. Now can we get on with other more important things like how many people were trampled during black friday?



Saturday, October 31, 2009

It Must Be The Worms

Nothing reverts a grown up back to childhood like being sick. You wish your parents were there to bring you hot chicken noodle soup, put a hand to your forehead and instantly know by touch whether you have a fever or not, and wait on you hand and foot until you are well again.

Yeah, I miss the good ol days, now that I'm all adult-like and have to make my own chicken noodle soup, have no clue if I have a fever and the only thermometer in the house has been up the dog's butt, and the laundry sits and mocks me until I'm well enough to do it.

Today I felt well enough to take a shower. Actually I just couldn't stand myself any more and threw myself in the shower, my mom's words ringing in my ears "take a shower, it'll make you feel better and wash the germs off of you". Yeah, I did feel somewhat better. "Now don't forget to dry your hair, if you go out with wet hair you'll catch pneumonia". My mom really did think that going out in wet hair would cause pneumonia, ear aches, tuberculosis and all manner of other horrible things. Apparently that's not the case, but you can't convince her otherwise.

My grandmother felt that you could catch horrible "private" diseases and pregnancy just by sitting on a public toilet. She also felt that we would all meet the same fate as the Titanic if we took the Ferry over to Mackinaw Island. My grandmother was also the one that gave me the middle name "Lou" because I didn't have a middle name. Grandma took a lot of pills. She also thought that you could catch worms from a myriad of things, such as eating raw cookie dough. I guess this was why my dad thought that everything was caused by worms.

"What's wrong?"
"I have a headache"
"Its the worms"
"I don't have worms"
"That's the worms talking".

My husband has an upset stomach now, which he's blaming on the pepermint white mocha he drank earlier. I'm pretty sure he has worms.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Economy

Despite the stupid title, I assure you that there's no need to run off and poke your eyes out with a fork, I'm not going to do one of those long drawn out, drawling, make ya wanna puke dissertations on the U.S. Economy or anything like that... although if someone paid me I could, but instead I'll just sound the alarm over something I found on the back of a Wheat Thins box that disturbed me greatly.

Oh sure, you've probably seen the commercials where people are telling you to rip the gold fillings out of your teeth and mail them to their company in this handy trustworthy envelope because the value of the dollar is in the crapper and you'll need something to barter with when the rogue element starts racing around in crazy looking cars and speak with Australian accents, and you only have so many viable organs to trade. I laughed at those commercials as well, until I was eating Wheat Thins (that delicious snack cracker, and yes, since I haven't received a semi trailer full of Butterfinger Crisps, I'm now whoring for the Wheat Thin people), and found this alarming statement on the back of the box:

You can clearly see here that the U.S. Dollar is now only worth 16 Wheat Thins and 2 Tablespoons of humus. Oh dear lord are we screwed!!! Well, I'm not too screwed, because I happen to have a whole box of Wheat Thins (that I only ate approximately $3.00 out of before learning how valuable they now are). I have no idea why the Federal Reserve wanted to go with a snack cracker as the next monetary thing, but whatever, I'll go with it. The toll booth operator apparently hadn't gotten the memo and yelled at me for tossing 36 hummus slathered wheat thins into the toll hopper. She's probably still using that paper crap, the poor thing.

My husband had called and left me a voicemail that consisted of a high pitched whine that is commonly used by one of our dogs when she wants something (oyster cracker, our dinner, a Lexus). Having been married for 3,000 years, we no longer leave real messages for each other like "Hey honey, hope your day is going well, give me a call when you have a chance". Nope, our voicemails consist of high pitched keening noises, sometimes a whispered "shoot me now, please, just shoot me", or the "I want noise".

I called him back:
"What do you want?"
"Um, I don't know, I forgot"
"Well, you left a voicemail that said EEEEEEEeeeerrrrrrrrr"
"Oh, I need to go buy a beard trimmer"

Yes, from EEEEEEEEeeeeeerrrrrr he got beard trimmer. Its now quite apparent that we've evolved into our own guttural language and we can just do away with english altogether.

In case you were wondering, he didn't get a beard trimmer, because I ate all of the wheat thins.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Why do I even bother with titles

Yes, its time for more ranting, but before I start my rant, I'm going to start with a commercial of sorts.

The Butterfinger Crisp. I bought one of those halloween sized bags of them, with no intention of giving them to children. Nope, I view Halloween as socialist propaganda, if children want candy they can get a job and buy it themselves, why should I work hard only to fork over good candy to kids who just want a hand out. Anyhoo, back to the Butterfinger Crisp. I would like to inform all of you that the only thing they could do to improve this candy treat is if they found a way for them to unwrap and throw themselves straight into your mouth. I can't vouch for the regular sized bar, but the bags o' little tiny bars are fantastic, and yes, I would definitely whore myself out to the Nestle company and accept a truck load of these treats for this stellar and unbiased review of their incredibly delicious treat.

I would also like to ask those people that design online courses that make you sit through an explanation of the "right" answer, even after you answered the question right, to immediately throw themselves off of a high building, and if you survive, crawl with your broken legs back up to the top of the building and jump again. You suck. You really, truly suck. If I get the question right, move on. Stop wasting my time by going over something I already know, I know it, I answered your stupid question, if I wanted to know more... well why would I need to know "more" if I answered the question right, you idiot. This goes especially to those types of courses that are mandatory and you have to take year after year. Sure, things may change, but ask me a question about the things that changed, and if I get the pre-test wrong, then make me suffer through the drivel, but for the love of GAH stop the madness!!!

There is a very big bug sitting near the ceiling of my living room. It hasn't moved for some time now, and since I'm too lazy to do anything about it until it swoops across the room and smacks me in the forehead, I'm inclined to let it just sit there. If you don't hear from me in a few days, please call the police and report that a large bug killed me. Of course, by that time the dogs will have eaten my carcass and frankly I'm ok with that.

I close tonight's very quick, yet efficient rant with the following: Facebook, I know you are free and I should be grateful for whatever I get, but lately I haven't gotten anything from you, other than a notice saying my account is under maintenance, and when I do get in, you won't let me do anything. You are about worthless for the past week and if you don't watch out, I'll just go back to the dark ages and start e-mailing people again... um... or not. Just fix it will you.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Catch Up Rambling

Ugh, its been so long. Between caring for Sammy (the $15,000.00 dog) and then the in-laws visited, I needed some time away in a looney bin... oh wait, that's insensitive and not "politically correct", I needed some time away in the looney container... there, that's better, and just couldn't start ranting about things because all of the life blood had been sucked from my body from the stupidity of our government... and my in-laws, but I digress.

So, as usual, here is a rambling rant about things that I write down in a journal and will later be found once I'm dead and festering and I will be named the most brilliant person in the world, and my writings will make someone a gazillion dollars, and my curse to them will be that the government will take all that money from them and burn my journals... or something like that... but once again, I digress.

The Pur water filter commercial where some chick is running on a treadmill and there's a bottle of water. The text on the screen points out that the water bottle will sit in a landfill forever, so you should buy their expensive pitcher and filters (which apparently biodegrade faster than a water bottle). I just wanted to point out that because of the Government edict that states we shall either recycle the plastic bottle or else languish in Climate Chaos jail for the rest of our lives, that bottle will be recycled (and cause 80% more CO2 emissions from the plant that recycles it into... another bottle, than just burying it in a hole), that bottle won't go to a landfill... but that big ass honking treadmill will and it'll do more damage than that stupid water bottle.

I just saw a news report about these knuckleheads that hang onto a parachute thing and snowboard off of mountains. I would like to point out that these are the knuckleheads that aren't insured, but will now be required to be insured and we won't get care because morons that swing on a parachute off a mountain broke every bone in their body and now need 24 hour care for the rest of their lives. Still think mandatory healthcare is a good idea? Its so much better now that they're just left on the mountain to die. Oh wait, they aren't, they get care that we're paying for (apparently) anyway, so leave my freakin healthcare alone you corrupt government vultures.

Had I known that illegal aliens, children, and IRS agents who aren't eligible to get that first time homeowner money got checks anyway, I would have had my dogs buy a house so I could get a check. Hey, dogs need a house, and frankly their credit rating has tanked since the bank bailouts. They're very excited over the possibility of getting their own bailout. The dogs want to invest in kleenex because 1.) its tasty 2.) the swine flu thing, 3.) the constant weeping of conservatives. I think its a good idea actually, and I can't wait to get the money.

I saw a commercial that showed Onstar shutting off a car that had been stolen. If you have Onstar, I would suggest you never piss them off because you'd be screwed.

Balloon Boy... When will we required tests before people are allowed to breed? I'm pretty sure balloon boy's parents wouldn't have been able to pass it.

So people are standing in line for the H1N1 shot (my husband pronounces it "Highknee") and yet the authorities are telling people not to be around crowds... so wouldn't it be safer just to stay home rather than stay in line with a bunch of people?

I truly do think that Geraldo is a moron. He's now come up with the "Precious Poodle" rule in the cases of these children turning up dead when they go missing. His advice: Don't allow your children to wander someplace where you wouldn't allow your pedigree dog to wander. Seriously Geraldo? I think you just beat that harpy Nancy Grace in the most ridiculous advice one could ever give category. I would also like to say that if sex offenders are so heinous that we have to GPS track their every movement WHY LET THEM OUT OF JAIL TO BEGIN WITH???

Ok, I bought new pillows, so I'm off to try them out... or smother myself with it.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Just Plain Rambling

I apologize for the lack of funny cartoons with this post (and yes, I’ll be updating my Facebook icon soon with the new hairdo and some blood will be involved, but that’s another story for another day, shut up I’ll tell you when I’m ready), and this will also be a rambling diatribe (whatever that is) while I wait for my iPhone to download the latest update and hopefully fix the totally f’d up Facebook app that refuses to show me anything but a page that says “no comments” which happens to be the story of my life but does Facebook have to rub it in?

Apparently I’ve eaten something that has grown in my stomach, raised some children and is now fighting its way out via the only available exit and its not happy about the trip. No, I don’t know what it was, nor do I want to know, but frankly I’m going to find out eventually and I hope it doesn’t seek retribution for something.

I’m currently mad at my husband because he won’t let me blog things. Its to the point now that any time anything remotely funny and/or/not cool happens, he immediately says: “Don’t you dare blog that!” I mean, come ON! There’s so much material in our dysfunctional lives that telling me I can’t blog something makes me want to blog it even more and then I become fixated about it and actually blog it in MacJournal (MacJournal, the most wonderful piece of software known to humans and I highly recommend it and would love the makers of MacJournal to give me something for free). I’m all about the shameless promotion and frankly if you want to give me something, I’ll totally review it, but frankly if it sucks, I’m gonna say it sucks so you better only give me totally cool stuff or else I’ll rip it to shreds and run you out of business.... are you listening UPS?

Anyhoo, I’ll ramble in an entry in MacJournal and would it be my fault if I actually blogged about it in MacJournal (where you can set up different types of journals for different blogs and upload them, except it won’t allow you to imbed pictures and upload them, but I blame blogger for being a butthead about that, not the wonderful MacJournal. I also truly have no idea why I’m fixating on MacJournal tonight, perhaps its the 7 foot tapeworm in my gut about to burst out and take over the world, which I would totally blog about whether my husband asked me to or not and yes, I would upload pictures before I died of total blood loss.

Perhaps my stomach is all upset before of stories like this. Seriously? Converting hotels and old people homes into places to hold illegals while they wait to be deported? How about you find them, you determine they are illegal, you drive them to the border and shoo them back where they came from? Do we really need to hold them in hotels? I’m about ready to lawfully sneak into Mexico, then cross the border without my passport so I can get me a nice free stay in a hotel. I haven’t been on vacation in like 10 freakin years! I work my butt off and can’t afford a vacation and don’t have any accrued vacation time, so this seems to be the easiest and cheapest way to get me a vacation! I can’t think of a better waste of my hard earned dollars than to house people who break our laws in the comfort of a hotel. Frankly, I don’t see why all criminals aren’t housed in hotels, why should we just limit it to illegal aliens, don’t our citizen criminals deserve better accommodations?

Ok, I have to go get some paper towels because my head just exploded.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Greatest Thing Since Coffee

I'm sure all of you have seen the new coffee thing from Starbucks, the Via.

I've said all along that someone needed to create this and leave it to Starbucks to steal the idea straight from my head and make a million bucks from it (I hate you as much as I'm addicted to you, you suck Starbucks).

Picture this: you are trapped in a well and without coffee, what do you do? I'm sure a lot of you have thought this, and went into a full tilt panic. How the heck are you suppose to survive in the bottom of a well without coffee? I wake up in a sweat every time I think of this, but thanks to Starbucks, the answer is simple: Via. The concept of a pixie stick-like coffee is pure genius and should have won the Nobel Peace Prize for keeping people from ripping each others' heads off when there's no coffee around... but noooo, they gave it to some guy that spent 10 days in office and didn't do a freakin thing except clog the airways with speeches about wonderful things he would do (and still hasn't done).

Simply rip open the top and pour that delicious powder straight into your mouth and TAH DAH you have instant coffee!!! I mean why did it take someone this long to come up with the concept. Pixie sticks have been around since 1952 so you would have thought that a company or person would have thought: HEY! If you can pour pure sugar down your throat from a little tube, then why not coffee? It took 57 years for someone to actually market this wonderful thing.

Hey, wait a minute... what do you mean you're suppose to pour it in hot water? That's stupid!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

UPS, you still suck

I found my new purse. Yep, me. It wasn’t the squad of professional UPS detectives working on my “case” after an “investigation” had been opened up. I certainly didn’t see swarms of UPS police converging on my neighborhood looking for clues, frisking people, kicking in doors and searching houses for my bag in their “investigation”. Nope, I didn’t even see UPS anywhere near my neighborhood, it took little ol me to find it... without the use of weaponry or threats, although my screaming could have been heard for miles, but it had nothing to do with the fact that despite HUGE neon reflective numbering on our mailbox, the UPS guy left my box on the porch of the neighbors. Not just ANY neighbor, but the neighbors who abandoned their house and left it to rot and become a cesspool of weeds, mosquitos and I’m wondering if the PODS people even want their big metal box back. Yeah, hey UPS, did you stop to think that someone sending something to a totally obviously abandoned house (your first clue should have been wading through waste high weeds) might be an identity theft type or nefarious of some sort and should have been suspicious? Not only that, but the fact that the address of that house, in all its abandoned glory, DIDN’T EVEN MATCH THE ADDRESS ON THE BOX????

Ok, whatever, I happened to look on the porch of the infamous half filled in nasty muck pool water abandoned house and saw a box peeking out from behind all of the weeds. I risked my safety by leaping, gazelle-like through the grass and who knows what and grabbed my box, held it over my head, screamed with glee and did the happy dance... then ran in fear as I’m pretty sure a Bengal Tiger was stalking me from the weeds.

Note to self: although they’ve done expensive studies to determine that texting while driving is dangerous, because there are no expensive studies that say ripping open a Nine West box, ripping the plastic from the purse, then transferring the contents of one bag to the new bag isn’t dangerous, I’m here to say that you shouldn’t try that at home, on a busy highway, while driving to starbucks where we scored some free samples of that Via instant coffee stuff. Its a banner day: new bag thought lost, and free coffee samples.

The bag is totally perfect... after I cut off the annoying decorative loop things on the side that jangled when I walked and cut out the magnetic clasp thing because magnetic anything is bad for iPhones, just perfect. I don’t have a problem with most decorative things, but not decorative things that actually clank and make noise when I walk. Seriously, how can I sneak up on a terrorist and overtake them if my perfect leather bag is clanking and tinkling like a wind chime. Ok, its more like: how can I sneak down the hall to work late and not alert a supervisor type to my lateness, but still, both valid reasons to cut off the round things that make noise. Another reason was that when the one in the back was swinging around (because I walk like a dork and I’m blaming broken wii foot and not to digress but I tried wearing my big clunky heel boots yesterday and once broken wii foot really started to hurt and still does so apparently its only partially healed wii foot and I need to stick to flats, but I digress) anyhoo, the metal thing kept hitting me in the back and I kept thinking that someone was tapping me on the back and I kept turning around and screaming “WHAT???” to the point where people started whispering about me... more than normal.

So now that I’ve ripped out all of the annoying things... it really is a cool back and totally squishy (I made my office mate touch it and confirm that it is squishy, and yes, he admitted it was squishy and I have to give him kudos for actually touching a purse and saying its squishy and it could be that he may be afraid of me, but who knows).

So, I have my bag and I should be ok for at least a week... unless I’m stressed out again.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

&*%$^%$$#@@#*&^^ UPS!!!!!!

I think it goes without saying that I have a purse addiction. Ok, I admit that I’m a purse HO, seriously... I am obsessed with getting THE perfect purse (which varies from day to day) and go to the ends of the earth trying to track down a bag I’ve seen in an ad or in a movie, or on someone to the point where I’ve probably been close to being arrested for stalking and taking surreptitious, lewd pictures of handbags.

Needless to say, when I’m under incredible stress, I tend to buy bags. When my dear sweet Sammy (the $13,500.00 dog) yipped and started limping a week back, I knew it was a blown knee and sure enough, he needed surgery (now the $15,000.00 dog). Without a smoke, with no boyfriend Chantix, what could I do... except buy a handbag... THE most perfect tote bag.... I happened to find that day. I wanted it, I needed it, it must be mine, dammit I can’t find it locally, I’ll have to order it and give it to me right now, or express UPS.

The weekend went by, no updated shipping status. Monday went by, no updated shipping status. I cursed nine west, I cursed UPS, then I forgot about it because Sam went in for his surgery and I was too busy pacing and chewing on my fingernails, but then the surgery went well and we were scheduled to pick him up today and LOOK!!!! My bag has arrived locally and will be delivered today WHOOOT!

UPS generally delivers around noon, and husband would be out doing something at noon, that I suggested he go do around noon, for no reason whatsoever I’m adult I can buy a handbag or two... or 1,200 (that’s not an actual count, I exaggerate and don’t listen to any comments attributed by a guy calling himself my husband, its all a lie).

No deliver around noon, or 1pm, or 2pm, then when we got Sam back from the surgeon, no bag at 4pm, or even 5pm. Rat BASTARD UPS lying sack of... oooh, there’s the UPS truck on the next street at 6:20 pm, happy dance, happy dance, stand in front of the big window like a pathetic soul not letting on to hubby that I’m actually waiting on the UPS guy to deliver a bag that I have to figure out how to get into the house without admitting that its a bag, blah blah... um, just how long does it take for a UPS truck to go around the corner and why does it now say that my bag was delivered?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Yep, the driver delivered it to the wrong house. I’m guessing that its on the next street, but its dark out and although I could pack my glock and go sneaking from house to house looking for packages on the porch that I would run up and grab and run away (probably only to find that I had stolen the neighbors depends by mail order), I opted to call UPS... those rat bastards.

Did you know that UPS makes it nearly impossible to talk to a human. They have one of those smarmy voice recognition systems that really make you want to go out and find the computer system and beat it with a hammer. “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you” when you screamed “YOU SCUM SUCKING BASTARDS DELIVERED MY COVETED PURSE TO THE WRONG HOUSE”. I’m sure you understood every word and you are probably a real human that is trained to sound like a computer and you probably laugh and laugh at people like me screaming obscenities in the phone trying to get a human to answer.

UPS Fact #1: if you scream “LAWSUIT” into the phone, it actually WILL connect you to a real person... how funny is that???!!!!

UPS customer service, my name is something you can’t pronounce or know how to spell so you can’t possibly report me for being rude, how can I help you?

Me - YOU LOST MY PACKAGE!!! (weeping now)

UPS CS: Oh, I am very sorry, let me track your package to see where it is.

Me - seriously? It says its at my house, but its not, its lost

UPS CS: it says that it was delivered to your house, are you sure nobody else accepted it?

Me - No, I’m positive as I stood in front of the window like a crazed loon for hours without blinking and peed myself so I wouldn’t miss the truck.

UPS CS: well, we will need to have you contact Nine West and have them ask us to start an investigation.

Me - this package was very important to me (weeping openly) you have no idea how badly I needed that liver

UPS CS: um... really, it was a liver?

Me - Yes, now I will surely die if you don’t find it tonight

UPS CS: Nine West sells livers?

Me- SHUT UP, its a purse ok? Fine, are you happy? Its an expensive purse, dammit and I paid extra just so you would lose it a day early than regular delivery and besides... YOU LOST MY PACKAGE!

UPS CS: have Nine West request an investigation

Me - FINE, FINE, you suck, your company sucks, I hope they lose your mother.

UPS CS: thank you for using UPS.

So I called Nine West, and the perky woman named Edith tracked my package as well.

Edith: it says it was delivered

Me: Well Edith, are you going to believe a delivery service that couldn’t care less if I died without my purse or me, the person whose credit card is paying your salary at the moment?

Edith: I’ll request an investigation

Me: I hope they take some DNA samples and perhaps interrogate all of my neighbors. I’m pretty convinced that the people on the other street have some person locked in their basement or something.

Edith: really?

Me: who knows, but I’m guessing they don’t have the purse because who would steal a purse to give to the person they have locked in the basement.

Edith: ok, well UPS should give you a call and let you know what they find and if they can’t find the box then they’ll pay you back the amount of the purse and the delivery fee.

Me: damn straight they’ll reimburse me... but that means I still won’t have my purse (starts weeping again).

I hang up.

Hubby: why were you on the phone, you never call anyone

Me: um... FINE I ORDERED A PURSE AND UPS LOST IT!

Hubby: figured... and you’ll probably need to go out and get another purse in the meantime.

Me: well, yeah

So here is the new bag that I’m obsessing about... if anyone knows where I can get one just like it, let me know, but seriously, don’t ship it UPS.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

WTF

I think that's aptly titled, and frankly I don't think I should even bother with the rest of the post because I'm pretty sure that everyone knows what this means and probably don't have to spell it out... fine, be that way!

It started off with Oliver Cyst making an appearance. Hadn't been visited by Oliver in quite some time and frankly I have no idea why he decided to pop up and cause agony over the simplest of movements. Who is Oliver Cyst? My gah, really, I don't have time to go into all of that fiasco, suffice it to say its a cyst in my left wrist that decides to pop up once in a while and make me miserable.

Then Sam, our spineless, bionic hip puppy was outside running, yipped and now is limping. Every time Sam limps, its the sound of the cash register. Sam can't just sprain something, Sam always has to have some kind of bizarro injury that costs us large amounts of money. Please note that anyone posting a comment suggesting we are insane for spending thousands on a dog or suggesting we have him put to sleep will be hunted down and maimed, refused medical care, then put to sleep. Better yet, throw your child off the roof and then let me bitch at you for taking it to the doctor, and while you wring your hands nervously, I'll suggest you put your broken child to sleep... in other words, bite me.

So, on top of that, I go into the back room and discover that our water heater is leaking water all over. Well just spiffy keen shoot me now! Lucky for us, our water heater is covered under the expensive mondo warranty policy thingie that says they'll just replace that sucker for little to no money or fix it for the same pittance of money. Everything is covered... see the picture below and please point out to me what you think isn't covered (I made it easy with arrows), then guess what exactly is wrong with our water heater.
Yep, the water heater repair guy shows up, pronounces the water heater (that's covered) is just fine, the problem is the leaking pipe leading to the water heater, and the "reserve" tank connected to the water heater... both of which are NOT covered under our handy warranty program... of course. FINE, so fix these issues.... but he can't because he's not a plumber, he's just a water heater guy (I would think that you would need to be both, but apparently he's just a specialist on water heaters), but he was nice enough to send a message to the plumbers and tell them that its an emergency, that water is leaking all over, and since its Friday at 4pm... I should expect to hear from someone on Monday. Gosh, good thing he said it was an emergency, otherwise it may be months before I hear from someone apparently.

In the meantime, he told me that I need to turn off the breaker to the heat pump and shut off the hot water... um... really? I mean its actually been leaking for 2 weeks actually and seems to work just fine, what's the big deal... and what do you mean no hot water until the plumbers fix it... SONOFA....

Saturday afternoon rolls around and the plumbers call, all chipper and happy. Apparently the "reserve" tank is a special thing that the Anne Arundel County code enforcement people receive a kick back on and have made it mandatory that all homes have them, so that's why they cost $300. My 80 gallon water heater cost $300, so you're telling me that the itty bitty whatever the frick tiny mandatory piece of crap leaking goofy looking thing that does absolutely NOTHING is going to cost me the same as my water heater, that isn't covered in this repair, and the replacing of the leaking pipe is going to cost me. Its at this point, standing in the kitchen with a sink full of dirty dishes, reeking like a homeless person with nasty hair, pile of dirty clothes gathering because I have no hot water, I began weeping and laughing because the soonest they can come out is Monday afternoon.

Sure, why not, I've got some dog wipes that says they will make my coat silky smooth and some baby wipes for that deep down clean so I can go to work looking professional... ok, actually I never go to work looking professional, unless its professionally demented, but I do tend to smell like grapefruit extract and cucumber soap and some flowery shampoo stuff, not like I haven't bathed since Friday.

Needless to say, I'll be showing up to work long enough to say that I'm out for the rest of the day, then I'll be at home pacing and waiting for the plumbers to show up... then soaking in a hot tub once there is glorious hot water again.

Friday, September 04, 2009

The Art of the Deal

We cancelled DirecTV and Comcast and went with Verizon FIOS for all of our cabley, landliney, internety things. We refuse to use them for mobley phoney things as you will need to pry our iPhones from our cold dead hands first, and frankly if this damn cold that isn’t swine flu doesn’t go away soon... I’m just sayin.

Anyhooo, this morning I get a phone call. Normally I don’t answer calls from our home phone because we never give anyone we like our home phone number. Businesses and annoying people get our home number and if you are reading this and have our home number... yeah, sorry, you suck.

I’m guessing that the Dayquil had something to do with me actually answering the home number, especially when it came up as some obscure 888 number, which usually means telemarketer. Ok, whatever, I answer, and its Comcast! If you ever want cheaper service and more channels, all you have to do is threaten to cancel or even cancel and they call you non-stop, begging you to come back. Its like an old girlfriend or something, except more pathetic.

Desperate Comcast Telemarketer: What if we throw in HD channels and faster internet?

Me: I want a pony.

DCT: ..... excuse me?

Me: A pony, a cute pony that I can ride, but I actually don’t want to take care of during the week, so can you bring me a pony on the weekends where I can show my friends and pet it and do things with it like take it for ice cream, but don’t actually have to care for it.

DCT: You mean a real pony?

Me: Of course a real pony! I can just go out and get a fake plastic pony any time, but if you want me to switch AGAIN over to Comcast, I mean come on, you have to make it worth my while.

DCT: I can’t give you a pony

Me: You gave me a modem that I have to return, so its not like you’re actually GIVING me anything, its like you would LOAN me the pony, it would still be yours and all, like the annoying modem I have to return, but the pony wouldn’t be annoying.

DCT: um....

Me: Fine, if you can’t give me a pony then I’ll just stick with Verizon, at least they were nice enough to mow my lawn every week.

DCT: Verizon is mowing your lawn?

Me: yeah, well, they don’t know that yet, but there’s a guy scheduled to come out for maintenance and the lawnmower just happens to be in front of the door and all...

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Vacation

I’m officially on vacation now... well, I’m actually sick for the next two days with a cold, but our timesheet thing only has “paid time off” and not “sick” so I’m on vacation, but really sick. I don’t actually start vacation until Tuesday because Monday is a holiday and doesn’t count toward PTO, but right now I’m not going back to work until the 14th, which is sweeeet.

I wanted to explain that in my official work out of office automatic e-mail responder thing:

Hi, I’m on vacation until the 14th, but actually I’m sick for the next two days, then its the weekend and monday is a holiday so I’m on vacation starting Tuesday and coming back that next monday. In case you were wondering, I have a cold, because I know how people wonder when you call out sick because they’re always “she didn’t look sick” and frankly it doesn’t really matter because it all comes out of the same “vacation” pot whether you’re sick or on vacation, but I just wanted to throw it out there that in case you were thinking of calling me after seeing that I’m actually sick and not on vacation, that you probably shouldn’t call me because I’m sick and don’t even think about calling me when I’m on vacation either. Frankly, the only reason I’m taking off is because I got sick of people running in fear and accusing me of spreading swine flu all over the office, and frankly if I did have swine flu, yes, I would be licking my hand and touching everyone that I hate, but no, its just a cold, but you just can’t leave it be and have to insist I cough into my elbow and dip myself in hand sanitizer and frankly its just easier staying home and feeding my used kleenex to my dog, who happens to love used kleenex, but I have to be careful or she’ll totally eat too many and that’s not a good thing. So, I’m pretty sure that its just a cold, but just in case, you shouldn’t call or even e-mail me (as if I’d check my work phone or e-mail, pffft, that’s not going to happen) as I’m pretty sure the CDC has now found that swine flu can travel through the phone lines and contaminate you and your unborn children, so its best for your family and lineage that you don’t call or e-mail me... probably even shouldn’t think about me either, because there’s that whole issue where I lived in Europe for 2.5 years and contracted mad cow, so probably thinking of me will give you mad cow, or disqualify you from giving life saving blood and making you feel like scum, and yes, by the way I AM on Nyquil, why do you ask?

Unfortunately Microsoft Outlook has some sort of limitation on the “out of office assistant” thing and wouldn’t let me leave all that, so I just said I’m out and will be back on the 14th. I’m pretty sure anyone that knows me will know what I meant to say.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Hello, Its Me Again

Yes, I know we had some rough words when we last saw each other... ok, I had rough words, you just sat there, but you have to understand, I thought I was ready to step out on my own and go about my life, but things happened differently than what I expected.

I had no idea that sitting around on my butt for the past 6 weeks in that stupid boot, unable to do any sort of exercising would make me do it again, but there I was, shoving anything edible in my mouth with both hands, feeling all blobby again, so I just had to do it... yes, I starting shooting up heroin. Ok, that’s not true, I just started smoking again.

AHA, see, you are all freaked out. Look at how well I manipulated you, if I had just said that I had started smoking you would have been all “oh you suck , your such a faily failure!”, but after saying I was doing something horrible, you are all like “oh, whew, man you had me scared and freaked out, so smoking isn’t so bad after all”... yeah, but I’m betting with all the taxes its probably teh cheaper to make crack in my own bathtub, but yeah, its ONLY smoking.

So, Dear Chantix, its me again. Thank you for the wonderful side effects with the bizarro dreams, the waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep. I look forward to the noxious gas and uncontrollable bowels again. I missed you so.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Get the Story Straight

If you're going to try to "sell" a bunch of people on something, you should at LEAST get your story straight before you do your "roadshow" about it... and by the way, if more than one person is "selling" the item, you should provide them with some details and get them to stick with only those details. Seriously, snake oil sales people did a better job of selling the masses turpentine to cure whatever ailed you than Liberals have of selling the U.S. on healthcare reform. Could that be from a serious case of "don't have a clue"? Try some plain english and limit it down to 50 pages max next time why doncha, and oh... you may want to leave out the part about asking old people and disabled veterans to off themselves for the convenience of others.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

BB Obamacare options




Bailout Bill demonstrates the difference between the Government (public) and co-op healthcare reform options.

Friday, August 21, 2009

It's ok, nothing to see here

This afternoon I went to make hubby a latte. I have one of these wonderful machines:
Its a Starbucks Sirena. I have no idea why they stopped making these, they're fantastic. Easy to use, easy to clean, it makes lattes fast and they are mighty tasty. Haven't had any problems with it... until today.

Plugged it in and hit the on button. Nothing happened. Hit the on button again. Nothing. Unplugged it and plugged it in again, hit the on button... nothing. It was at this point that a very low keening noise came from my throat. Hubby knows this sound. "what's wrong?" I explained that the latte machine wasn't turning on. I moved aside, because men like to see these things for themselves, and for all he knows I forgot to plug it in or something mundane like that. He plugged it in, hit the button... nothing. He unplugged it and plugged it in... nothing. He plugged the rice cooker in and it worked.

"its broke" he pronounced.

I did this:

I mean, come on, what else is there to do when your coveted and very expensive latte machine is pronounced "broke". Holy crap, I mean we drink a lot of latte, but not enough to break it. Besides, its not like I was using it and it began to smoke and make strange exploding noises or anything for christ's sake, I mean it was just sitting there, worked fine last time I used it and now broke? It spontaneously just broke while it was sitting there? What breaks by just sitting there? Did some part just fall off in there for no real reason? Was there an earthquake that nobody felt but the Sirena, and it caused all sorts of internal issues? How does something break when its just sitting there?????

Oh, the part that plugs into the actual unit had come unplugged... never mind.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The new new deal

Social security accounts for 20.8% of the federal government expenditure, with Medicare/Medicaid coming in at 20.1%. This means that between the two of these socialistic programs, they both consume nearly 41% of all government spending.

According to Wikipedia and other sources, Social Security alone is currently estimated to keep roughly 40% of all Americans age 65 or older out of poverty. So, what of the other 60%?

Enacted in 1935, provisions of the Act provided benefits to retirees and the unemployed, as well as a lump-sum benefit at death. It is funded by a payroll tax on workers’ wages and payment by employers, and now provides assistance to aged individuals, unemployment insurance, aid to families with dependent children, maternal and child welfare, public health services, and the blind. Ever wonder what those “public health services” are... its not just for your retirement now, is it?

While noble causes, social security was touted as a way to encourage older workers to retire and thereby create opportunities for younger people to find jobs, which would lower unemployment rates. Since it now covers more than just YOUR retirement, and since the age of retirement slowly creeps up every time the Act is revisited and amended, this doesn’t exactly open the door to younger workers if you are still working until you are in your 70’s.

In 1965, Medicare was added into the mix, which allowed the government to withdraw funds from the independent “Trust Fund” and put it into the General Fund for additional congressional revenue. This means that your retirement money was now, no longer in a safe trust fund, but could be used by the government any way they wanted (like buying 8 private jets for their use).

Back when it was first formed, the mandatory age of retirement, where individuals could draw on their social security benefits was 62.

In 1972, an amendment was enacted whereby the establishment of Supplemental Security Income (SSI) was formed, which meant that immigrants who had never paid into the system became eligible for SSI benefits when they reached age 65. Say what? People who have never put money into the pool are getting benefits off of money you did put in the pool? Yep.

In 1977, President Carter amended the act to increase withholding from 2% to 6.15% to ensure its solvency until the year 2030... except it was in trouble again by 1980.

In 1983 it was amended under Reagan to tax Social Security benefits of higher-income individuals thus levying a tax on the “rich” to pay for the program when others were not taxed, which is unconstitutional. The age of retirement was also increased.

The Supreme Court ruled in Flemming v. Nestor in 1960 that “entitlement to Social Security benefits is not a contractual right”. In other words, the decision means that Congress can cut or eliminate benefits at any time. This is handy in that it is projected that by 2017 there will not be enough funds to cover everyone. Its also of note that the “trust fund” is actually Treasury bonds. The money in the trust fund has been “loaned back” to the Federal Government to pay for other expenses, so is your money still there or does it consist of an IOU? That seems oddly familiar, wasn’t there a case recently where a person got a life sentence for taking peoples’ money and using it for his own benefit and bilking those investors?

The reason I’ve bored all of you with these pesky facts is that the Liberals are justifying the unconstitutional takeover of health care by the fact that both Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid are already established. They threaten people with the “if you don’t want Government in health care then we should disband both of those programs”. To that I say YES.

Retirement is a personal responsibility. When I grew up, my parents practiced and taught me that I needed to take at least 10% of my pay and put it into a savings account to save up for retirement. Also back then, most companies had a pension plan that you paid into and upon retirement you received your pension. This has been replaced with 401K programs, and with banks with similar IRA accounts for people to invest their money in for retirement. If Social Security is such a good program, why am I encouraged to also invest in other means of retirement money? Could it be that my monthly stipend is so small that there’s no way I could possibly live on those benefits?

The fact that the government, from the inception of Social Security, has mismanaged the funds, used them for other spending, has raised the withholding, and are now in panic mode because the amount of baby boomers that are retiring will drain whatever money is leftover from the Act, leaving young people with nothing for their future retirement (except what they themselves had saved) and seniors with a shaky retirement ground. Further, in light of the recent Government bailouts of banks, insurance companies, and car companies, those who didn’t put all of their eggs in one basket and invested in other ways to ensure their retirement were screwed royally when bankruptcy filings by GM were skewed so that unions and the Government were given better rate of return than those investors who had a real stake in the game, left those with personal injury claims in the dust, and GM got to dump its toxic properties and not clean them up.

I say disband Social Security and Medicaid/Medicare immediately. Return all monies invested by individuals to those individuals with a reasonable rate of return based on common interest rates they would have received had they been able to invest that money themselves or in a savings account. Allow the PEOPLE to determine their best interests and prepare for their retirements as they see fit, and to retire whenever they have the means and ability, not at 67 years of age in order to receive their full benefits doled out in monthly stipends.

This concept of “well, we did it before so you can’t argue now” is over. Sure it may be tough for some, and there are those who would suffer having depended upon the government to provide them with what they need. That’s their mistake, not the rest of the population. It may seem cold, cruel, and hard, but even during the depression, when people were going hungry and jobs were scarce, the people reached out, without any community organization paid government money through grants, to help those that DESERVED help and were willing to work rather than receive a hand out. Hand outs in my grandparents’ time was a shameful thing... today its status quo and almost a badge of honor. “Look what I can get for nothing, why should I work”.

The government is suppose to be there to govern by the constitution. We’ve allowed it to slowly creep into our lives using the “for the good of the people” motto. What the people actually need is a swift kick in the reality that government does not help, nor was it formed to help, its people that help those who need help, and government needs to stay out of it.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Marketing 101


Marketing 101
Originally uploaded by Shmoomeema
The other day I went to purchase the new Michelle Malkin book "Culture of Corruption" at the local Books A Million store.

I stopped in front of the designated conservative "hate speech" section, where Carl Rove, Glenn Beck, and all of the other "fear mongers" were banished and didn't see the book. As I contemplated the possibility that BAM wasn't going to carry the book, hubby called me over to the Obama shrine area and low and behold... there it was, nestled among the "We suck up to Obama so hard we can see out of his throat" section.

Now I have to wonder, was this a mistake, or is there a sarcastic conservative working at BAM that stocked the book there... if so... thanks for the laugh and way to go!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Splain this to me

I had the opportunity to listen to the Arlen Specter townhall today. It was very entertaining, I especially liked the veiled comment from one participant thanking Specter for coming to talk to the people that put him in office... the Republicans. Oh the delicious sarcasm, I could eat it with a spoon.

Anyhoo, I was simply amazed at how well versed Senator Specter was on HR3200 for someone that says he hasn’t read it, and for a bill that he says doesn’t exist. When asked about a very specific page and section of HR 3200 that infers that people who aren’t “contributing” to society won’t be in line for care, he got very angry and called that malicious and vicious, and untrue... um, you haven’t read the bill that would take hours and hours and hours as Sebelius says... (wonder if she slogged through a Harry Potter tome) and “hasn’t been written”, so how do you know its untrue?

Later on, Senator Specter explained how people who were concerned about Government funded abortions would have the choice of being in two programs: one that funds abortions and the other that doesn’t. Um, excuse me? I read 3200 (and hope that delayed stress reading syndrome is covered under the new government plan) and there’s NOTHING in there that says outright that there are 2 plans, let alone the word abortion... that’s the veiled little secret the writers and amenders of the bill keep sweeping under the rug, so Senator Specter unwittingly let the cat out of the bag that there’s a NEW bill out there that the government isn’t releasing to the people that specifically calls out that abortion will be government (taxpayer) funded, or he’s delusional.

I also question the man’s sanity and knowledge of exactly how government programs are funded... they are funded ENTIRELY by taxes, therefore it doesn’t matter if there are 2 plans or 200 plans, they are all taxpayer funded plans so no matter what plan you “select” you are still paying for something you may wholeheartedly and religiously don’t believe in. According to CNN: “Several people asked if a health care bill would mean taxpayer dollars would pay for others to get abortions. Specter responded that any measure passed by Congress would allow people to choose a plan that didn't cover abortions.”

Another participants (who the MSM will catalog as “hostile” with all of the other participants) suggested a national referendum on health care reform. Senator Specter called that idea “fascinating” while avoiding that whole nasty suggestion of “tort reform”, and told the group that he would take that idea back to Washington although he said that the Federal Government didn’t have a mechanism in place for doing something like that.

Oh really? Seriously? Um, so are you telling me that we pay these people GAZILLIONS of dollars, have Web sites where you can snitch on your neighbors and another that “dispels lies” about healthcare reform (remember, a bill that nobody has read and its argued doesn’t even exist), and we even have an $18 million dollar Stimulus tracking Web site, but we have no type of mechanism in place for a public referendum? Well, perhaps if all of the cybersecurity people hired by the Obama administration that keep leaving in droves because nobody will let them do anything could have come up with something secure... hey, don’t we have voting online too? Hey, don’t we regularly vote for the new American Idol and Survivor cast-offs... how about we give the post office something to do and stimulate their business by having mail in ballots or something. Heaven knows the Government is all into giving money to failing businesses (mainly businesses they have taken over and are still failing) so why not prime the Post Office pump by having a mailed in referendum. How about even doing a social networking referendum. I’m always taking polls on Facebook and twitter is a great method of social interaction... or the government can do what it does best and develop a new wheel that costs twice as much as the old wheel, doesn’t turn or support any payload, but is a rousing success because they bribe people to buy it.

P.S. if the Volt gets 250 miles per gallon, isn’t that a rousing success for the burning of fossil fuels which create electricity, and although it does diminish our dependence on foreign oil, it’ll cost the taxpayer 6 times as much for electricity thanks to Cap and Trade... now there’s a car we can all get behind... and push.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I mean, seriously, where to begin

I’ve been stewing over this whole health care reform fiasco ever since it started. People want reform and when they said they wanted reform we meant definition #1 from Merriam-Webster:

1 a : to put or change into an improved form or condition b : to amend or improve by change of form or removal of faults or abuses
2 : to put an end to (an evil) by enforcing or introducing a better method or course of action
3 : to induce or cause to abandon evil ways <reform a drunkard>
4 a : to subject (hydrocarbons) to cracking b : to produce (as gasoline or gas) by cracking

Apparently Congress thinks we meant #2, #3, and even #4 because they must be producing a lot of crack to come up with a bill over 1,000 pages long. Leave it to Government to take something simple and hose it up beyond imagination.

Of course, reading any 1,000 page government document will make the masses cranky, but reading this one is straight out of “Brave New World”. Of course the argument is that things are “taken out of context” or “not understood”, but then again, the other argument is “I can’t comment on specifics because the bill hasn’t been written yet, but I assure you...” or “no, it doesn’t say that, of course I haven’t read it”.

How can a President who hasn’t read the bill and isn’t familiar with its specifics and who doesn’t plan to read the whole bill before he signs it tell me that I’m making ridiculous claims or outright lying about what the Health care reform bill will or won’t do to me and my family??? This is the same President who spent months and months deciding on a DOG, but wants to ram a completely changed healthcare policy down everyone’s throat.

My favorite was “I have a great healthcare program, I’m the President, I have a doctor following me, so this isn’t about ME”... really? SERIOUSLY??? My gah, I’m certainly glad that all that money I fork out in April is going to a full time doctor for you. I have a great healthcare program too, I pay $300 per month for it and its really good... but according to HR 3200 on page 16, if I quit or lose my job, I go on the dole and go into the wonderful “exchange” where I’ll get the Government healthcare program... and never be allowed off of it even if I get another job that has healthcare... which I won’t because it’ll be cheaper for companies to pay the fine for not covering their people than it will be to buy health insurance for them, so private insurance companies, who can’t compete with a never ending pot of government money (via you and me each April) will go belly up in record time leaving us with Austin Powers bad teeth and exploding spleens while we wait in line to be seen by doctors who are paid by the government and could care less if I die on the floor.

Oh sure, you may be telling yourself, I am just one of the Right Wing Extremist, gun clinging, insurance company paid MOBS that are screaming and yelling at town halls and frightening our elected officials who won’t read bills because they have to move fast (like TARP and Stimulus, look how well those have worked out for you) and like Cash for Clunkers with a total of 3 BILLION dollars and growing, paying people with my money to buy a new car when they had a perfectly functioning paid off car and now probably won’t be able to make the payments... get ready for for car crash, just like mortgage crash, coming to a neighborhood near you.

Well, yes, I guess I am the mob, and I’m mad as hell, and I’m not taking it anymore, especially after MY government has the gall to accuse me of being “organized” (like their ACORN and SEIU goons), PAID (puhleeeze, I can’t get xanax let alone a pay check from my healthcare provider), and astro turf. Barbara Boxer says we’re paid because we dress nicely. How freakin out of touch does Babs... I mean Senator... no, frankly I mean you out of touch loon scum bag government lackey... you want respect Babs, you earn it, and you certainly haven’t earned my respect... “same type of people”, “its to hurt our President and change our Congress”. You have that partially right Babs, we want to change Congress... by removing ALL of you currently sitting on your butts and forcing this crap down our throats, expecting us to pay for it and then expect us to thank you.

No amount of polls that say this bill sucks, don’t pass it, no amount of letters stopped TARP, Stimulus, Cash for Clunkers, the purchase of EIGHT luxury private jets for the whim of our elected officials after they berated car manufacturers about their jets (HYPOCRISY!), no amount of screaming, yelling, protesting, letter writing will get them to change their minds... so all of you that mocked the tea parties and told us “you have representation so you can’t have a tea party” well you can kiss my A** because nobody in that congress or senate represents me or the masses of every day, ordinary, nattily dressed, sign carrying americans that DON’T WANT THIS CRAPPY HEALTHCARE!!!!

The White House response: snitch on people spreading “fishy” information about the healthcare plan. Um, excuse me? This from the man that vowed during his campaign that warrant-less wiretaps on US citizens was vile and disgusting and that he would end that practice the moment he got into office... except he didn’t, and actually on 23 January 2009 he said it was perfectly fine and dandy and by the way, immunized the nation’s telecommunications companies from lawsuits... OH YES HE CAN AND YES HE DID!!! Where’s the outrage that Bush/Chaney dealt with? So it doesn’t surprise me the White House is unconstitutionally collecting the names and information of people who oppose its health care reform. It also doesn’t surprise me that his Chicago cronies say things like “If you get hit, we will punch back twice as hard” or sending their ACORN or SEIU goons to town halls, giving them reserved seating to fill up halls and denying voters a chance to let their representatives know how they feel about this bill. How about SEIU goons beating up people outside of town halls, or ACORN people berating and getting in the faces of grandmothers, mothers, grandfathers, veterans, small business owners, and other citizens merely doing their constitutional right to free speech? We are called “fringe trying to mess up our meetings” “astro-turf” backed by GOP (who couldn’t organize a fart if it tried), or insurance companies.

When mocked, belittled, chastised, had protestors with fake bloody hands, code pink screaming at them, broken windows, ACORN breaking into foreclosed houses and “taking them over”, President Bush merely stated that it was everyone’s constitutional right to free speech. What do you think would have happened had he asked on the White House Web site for people to snitch on their neighbors? What do you think would have happened had he called them a bunch of nutjobs, racists, loons, and paid organizers? Where’s the outrage people? Where’s code pink now that President Obama is no longer actively seeking Al Queda and Bin Laden, but now after the Taliban and pushing more and more troops with a never ending time table into Afghanistan? Where are they now that terrorists will be spending jail time on our shores once Gitmo is closed? Where’s the anger people? Where’s the outrage?

Oh, that’s right... all of YOU that want this healthcare program for the MINORITY of people without (not the 45 billion that is constantly claimed, but only 10 billion) so you want to trash a good, yet flawed healthcare system and tax the rich to give everyone crappy healthcare... yeah, way to fix it. I also want to point out that liberals keep screeching that we live in a Democracy. Oh no we don’t. You would know that we are a Republic... they would know this if they hadn’t tried to erase the “Pledge of Allegiance” from our life, and most likely they are flummoxed by the whole “... and to the Republic, for which it stands” by that whole uncomfortable “under God” part. So lets play stupid and say its a democracy, shall we... if the majority have healthcare and the minority doesn’t... democracy says leave it alone. Of course, these are the same people that scream Darwin, and yet try to save endangered species... as if they were God. They aren’t, but they want us to think they are, and they’ll continue stripping away our rights until we’re back in 1776... gotta remind you though... that didn’t turn out so well for those British.


Wednesday, August 05, 2009

A huge conglomerational rant (I made up that word)

I’ve been keeping notes on the rants I want to do, but something always gets in my way when I get home from work, like dishes, and cooking, and sleep. Tonight’s funfest has to do with my heat pump... my very expensive piece of Trane... nothing works like a Trane, except maybe Amtrak and we know how well that works (government run... see, I threw in a political reference, hehehe).

Some people pay good money for those calming fountains that burble like a stream, frankly they just make me have to pee all the time, but I have THE most expensive calming fountain money can buy... my Trane heat pump. You see there’s a pvc pipe that is suppose to drain all of the condensation out of the thing, but when it was installed, the miles of pvc pipe needed to reach to our sump hole makes it not so gravitationally friendly. Each year I call out the BGE Home people (not affiliated with BGE, but it has the same name so you can’t fool me greedy electrical company that I happen to love because my house runs on electricity, thank you) to come out and some technician always explains to me (as if I’m a 3 year old, and speaking of which a new study shows that 3 year olds are getting depressed, so 3 year olds can get Xanax but I can’t) that I need to flush out the pipe with bleach to keep it clean and draining. Well technician guy with mandatory butt crackability, I DO pour bleach down the stupid pipe every year, but the problem is that the bleach won’t get to the one tiny part of pipe that goes from heat pump to the downward slope of the pipe and that gunks up and why don’t you fix it so it works like it should so I don’t have to call you every year to tell me to purge it with bleach!

Anyhoo, my heat pump, once again, currently is burbling like a calming fountain and spewing water on the floor, which is being soaked up by the carpet in the next room and causing chaos and mayhem in my life. I have an appointment for friday morning (I said friday afternoon, but when I input the appointment on their web site it said that my heat pump is located in the attic... um, NO), so the technician is coming out in the morning because it gets hot in the attic so he’ll be more comfy coming in the morning... to my basement... which is always cool, especially now with the handy fountain spewing water all over.

So, I was actually going to sit here and do a good rant from my list, but then I was interrupted yet again by something, so you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow... if I find the time.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

WTF?


I've been in a foul mood lately (sorry hubby), getting all wrapped up in the stupid economy, future craptastic healthcare scheme, and just everything seemingly going to crap in a handbasket all at the same time. Hey, go figure, that's life, but still, does it ALL have to go to crap at the same time.

Frankly, I should look at my petty little inconveniences and actually feel thankful for them. I could have it much worse, and other people do, so I should just say "hey, that's life, it is what it is" (a saying I learned from my lawyer) and move on, but sometimes its just nice to swim in lake me and feel gloom and doom over stupid things and drive your hubby insane, like telling him the same thing over and over again because frankly you can't remember if you told him, or was it just a conversation you had in your head, or did you post it to Facebook and not tell him, and even if you did post it to Facebook, did he even read it?

I think that perhaps social media is driving me slowly insane, because I really don't know if I say things outloud, did I text it, did I post it, did I twitter it, did I SMS it, or did I e-mail it, and if I did, who did I post it to?

I've been telling people (I think) that I only have one more week in LarrWii, the Wii soft cast, but then I actually looked at a calendar and discovered that I actually have 2 weeks left. LarWii is getting a bit... rank. I had to spray him down in febreeze, and apparently you can wash the foamy innards, but I have no idea if that's true or not and I don't want to ruin it when I have to wear it, so I've been freshening the foam up with some Febreze and hope that I don't reek to high hell with each footstep.

Tonight we had a rainstorm. We need rain, but we didn't need three months of rain in an hour, so our sump pump drain pipe got a tad bit overwhelmed and was backwashing out near the house. Whoot. Then as I was folding clothes from the dryer, our heat/pump was making that distinct: "you haven't cleaned out the pvc pipe with bleach like you should have months ago so I'm not clogged and spewing water all over the cheap air filter thing, which you only have one left, so get out the bleach and snake and clear me out before I freeze something and cost you a bazillion dollars to fix/replace that you don't have" noise.

Right now one of my dogs is shrieking at me because its way past our bedtime (according to him) and he'll sit there and shriek until I go up and feed him oyster crackers just so he can stomp all over me, steal half the bed and shove his frito feet in my face throughout the night. Gosh I love my pups. I really do because today I found out that a friend of mine lost one of her beloved pups. It really takes a loss to make you realize the things you should shrug off and take in stride, and how you really need to stop and smell the puppies and realize that with all of the stupid inconveniences, the crap, the bills, the lack of money, the things that break, and the things that just don't work out... the most important things in life are those fuzzy creatures that steal your bed, and the hubby that accuses you of elbowing him in the eye at night.

Everything else is was it is.