Sunday, August 31, 2008

Brother-in-law of doom

Yep, its the first week of September, and like clock-work, my brother-in-law is here for the week, and so are the horrible catastrophes and we’re waiting for a famous person to die.

This happens every time he visits. We, at first, thought that catastrophes and horrible things only happened during vacations. How many times does your hotel have to burn down before you begin to think its a family curse? The second one had us wondering, but after the third, you pretty much realize that it can’t be a fluke.

We narrowed it down to the amount of family members gathered in one small area determines the rough magnitude of destruction and bad mojo. If its us and Brother-in-law, then typically a natural disaster occurs, and a famous person dies. If its us, Brother-in-law AND my in-laws, then very horrible things like terrorist attacks, a natural disaster AND a famous person dies.

Don’t worry, this year its just Brother-in-law, which explains Gustav. I’m glad to see the call for mass evacuations, unlike the year he came to visit and Katrina hit. Yes, that was his doing too. He was no where near us during that whole Tsunami thing... actually my mom was here, but we haven’t quite correlated the effect of my relatives visiting and horrible natural disasters. I may need a grant to study this phenomena.

This seemingly odd happenstance causes my somewhat rational friends to giggle happily and submit guesses for the celebrity death pool. Nobody guessed Princess Diana, that was a huge surprise (and yes, he was here), and Steve Irwin, that was totally out of the blue (yep, day 2 of his visit). We get the usual guesses of old celebrities that should have died years ago, and some people will go for the not so obvious (although for some reason I felt that Marie Osmond was a bit cruel in some way).

So, people of the gulf coast region, I’m very sorry that my brother-in-law is in town. We have no way of directing his odd power of natural catastrophe and celebrity deaths, so its nothing personal or anything.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Have You Seen This Bag?

An APB (all purse bulletin) has been released.

Have you seen this bag?

This bag is wanted internationally.

Name: Adrienne Vittadini
Description: soft leather bag
Wanted for: being the perfect leather bag
Last seen: October 2003 issue of Real Simple magazine
Whereabouts: unknown

If you have seen this bag, please notify this blogger immediately.

This bag is to be considered soft and perfect. Care should be taken when approaching this bag as you will undoubtedly want it and must have it. Don't attempt to buy this bag if it is the only bag available because if you flaunt it in front of this blogger, she will hunt you down and become hysterical, wanting to touch it and just put it on her shoulder just once, really, I'll give it back to you after I try it on.

Knock offs of this bag are acceptable if the leather is buttery soft.

Please find this bag and make a bag-a-holic (or two, or 5,000) happy.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Outraged? Get serious

Apparently the Clintons are upset that Obama “never” considered Hillary for the Vice President spot, and are equally outraged that their opinion wasn’t consulted in his choice of VP.

Seriously? They weren’t consulted? I wasn’t aware that democrats (no matter who they are) had to consult with the Clintons before making a decision. Who the hell do they think they are? Even more disturbing, who the hell do their backers think they are?

Here is my concern and a prediction:

Obama finally conceded to allow Hillary’s name to be nominated at the Democratic convention... my prediction is that the Hillary backers and those mysterious “super delegates” will vote Hillary as THE candidate. You’ll get to see some pissed off people if that happens... but of course the Clintons won’t care, they just want their way, no matter what happens.

Sick of politics. Just vote someone in so we can start complaining about them, no matter who gets in there. Stop spending my money on conventions and commercials, just go run the country into the ground and get it over with.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dangerous Dog Toy Alert

Please cross post this alert to every list, dog owner, etc. to make them aware that the Pimple Ball with Bell (Item #20227-001, UPC Code 0 4566320227 9) manufactured by Four Paws Inc. has severely injured several dogs, one of which had to have its tongue amputated (link to Chai's story on the gimpydog site).

For more information click on the link and lets get this toy off the shelves before another dog is maimed or worse!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The News and the War in Georgia

I have Fox news streaming at work. I have to listen to things when I write and the more mindless and annoying, the better, which is why I listen to Fox news. I tried listening to CNN Headline news, but that's just too annoying. I swear, they have a person read an hour's worth of news blurbs, then run that tape on a three hour loop until the next news reader puppet comes in and they do it all over again.

So, I was happily typing stupid technical documentation and listening to:
The Missing Orlando kid story (mom killed kid, mom stays mum, grandmom loon)
The War in Georgia
The body of bigfoot (which they kept teasing about, then showed a half assed blurry photo of something hairy in a big freezer)
The woman that bought a dress that was actually a shirt and got kicked out of a mall
The Osteen lawsuit trial (elbow to the boob = hemorrhoids and 10% of all earnings)

The big news, of course, was the Georgia war thing, with the Pres speaking, the Condi Rice speaking. After that, the puppet head news reader literally drooled with happiness about the interview with the 12 year old San Francisco girl who was visiting relatives in Georgia and barely escaped with her life from the horrors of the Russian military.

I hate the media. I think I've been pretty clear about that. Here is the typical media "interview"

The Fox puppet head (whose name is Shep or something, see right), gives this big long explanation of what he's been told happened. Then he asks the little girl what happened. She says that they were sitting around, then all hell breaks loose (ok, the 12 year old didn't say that), their cell phones didn't work, so they used one of those old fashion real phones to call her Uncle, they barely escaped and it was the Georgian army shooting and killing and the russians saved them. Um... what? Wait a minute... the media has been telling me all day (over and over and over) that the horrible russians were invading the poor innocent Georgia.

Fox puppet head then asks the Aunt what happened, and the Aunt confirms that the Georgian Army burned down her house and was killing people. Fox puppet head then announces (cutting off Aunt) that they HAD to go to a commercial... because seriously, we can't be having eye witnesses saying something different than what the standard party... I mean U.S. government ideology is, so we have to show the commercial about getting out from under tax debt for the 5,000 time and make money for the network.

So after we find out how to get out from under tax debt, and how to slather head on to stop a headache, we come back to Shep puppet head who tells the Aunt she has 30 seconds to say something, cuts her off when she starts saying the Georgians started the whole thing and his show is over.

Frankly, if I was a news person (but I can't be, because I have morals) and I heard someone say something different than what is being reported, I'd be all over asking them for more details and then checking it all out... but no, that's not what the media does. They'll show a reporter running away from a town because he was text messaged by the BBC saying "leave now" and show them leaving as a whole bunch of tanks pass by with the news puppet saying they are Russian tanks... but are they? He said they were, so we just believe him. We hear that Russia just attacked out of the blue because they want Georgia back (I'm guessing because of their kick ass Vidalia onions), and we believe them. But are they really telling us the whole story? Why aren't they interviewing eye witnesses? Why aren't they even talking to ANYONE?

Seems a bit fishy to me

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Its all fake (well, some of it)

So, Fox news was all up in arms today because they found out that some of the fireworks for the opening ceremony of the olympics was computer generated, and that one little girl was lip syncing to the voice of another little girl who wasn’t “pretty” enough to be in the ceremony.

Let’s see. They had a reportedly 15,000 people performing during the opening ceremonies, which was one of the most impressive displays of synchronized performing, with amazing computer generated and video generated accompaniment, and Fox is miffed about some things not being what they appeared to be.

Hmm, read no further if you don’t want to read spoilers:

1.) Singers lip sync ALL THE TIME DUH!
2.) Actors don’t do their own stunts
3.) Everything in the movies is computer generated, fake, false, misleading and totally bogus.
4.) There are no real superheros!!!!

Get over it Fox, it was still pretty impressive and if the U.S. tried to pull something off like that, invariably they would have been forced to use a Windows product for the floor screen and would have been required to reboot it no less than 6 times.

The press has revealed that the latest “fad” is Pregorexia. Women with eating disorders get pregnant and do everything they can to not gain weight during the pregnancy, namely actresses. Of course, this doesn’t bode well for the poor baby, but really, do we need another name for it? These stick thin actresses are ALREADY anorexic, so do they get a whole new disorder name just because they get pregnant? They are anorexic and happen to be pregnant. I’m guessing that like everything else in their faux, pretend, bend over backwards to give them whatever they want lives, that the reality of having to gain weight in order to have a normal child is beyond their capability... except after the birth when they whore out the kid’s pictures to a tabloid for a million.

I need to start drinking more, or allowing my sanity to slip some more.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Weekly Rambling

I really need to find a job where I can blog during work hours so I can keep up with the thoughts in my head.

1.) We've had an invasion of little red ants in our kitchen. They invaded my lucky charms, they were climbing on the cabinets, very annoying. The last straw was opening the simple human trash can and seeing the contents moving around. There was a whole ant reunion party going on in there. Since we have dogs and since I don't want to poison my dogs, I tried putting cornstarch baby powder at the bottom of the door (where the ant congo line was forming) and they just figured a way around that, so toxic spray was the only way to go. Since I didn't have toxic spray, I squirted some Skintastic mosquito spray on them. I figured it would just piss them off and make them go away, but actually it killed them on contact. Hey, cool! So, if you want to kill ants and don't want to poison your dogs or cats, use Skintastic on ants. They're dead, mosquitos will stay away and it has that lovely smell.

2.) I caught a summer cold (that I'm still blowing green crap out of my nose, and yes I know its probably a sinus infection, just shut up I'm in denial), and realized that out of the shelves and shelves of over the counter medication out there, there's never anything that totally fits the symptoms of your cold. I wish they had Garanimal drugs for people, mix and match stuff that you could take for your symptoms. I'll have 1 runny nose, 1 sneezing, 1 watery eyes, but no cough and no aches please.

3.) I saw a commercial for "The National Review" which stated "Liberal Democrats are readier than ever..." Readier? Doesn't that just sound totally wrong. Not "as ready as ever", readier... liberal democrats are morons. (Author note: This last part was suppose to read "... and liberal democrats are morons?" but apparently in my lack of sleep, over the counter medicated state, totally botched that ending and apologize to Michelle and the other tree hugging liberal democrats for not making it perfectly clear that I think "The National Review" isn't even fit to use as toilet paper)

4.) Some moron on FOX news was complaining that ICE raids deny the rights of illegal aliens. Um... if they are illegal THEN THEY DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS.

5.) Nancy Pelosi... when did she become Queen and rule the U.S.?

6.) The Orlando Anthony family - I'm pretty sure that this whole missing kid thing is just a totally elaborate reality tv show joke on the entire world. Nobody could be that stupid, gullible, and so over the top whack job. If it isn't a cruel joke on the world, then the kid is certainly dead, the mother did it, and grandma will still think that it was a conspiracy.

7.) Olympic athlete denied a visa to China because of the athlete's outspoken opinion about China's involvement in Darfur. Um, if you are there to run a race, shut up and run and do the politic crap in your non-running times.

8.) Bret Favre... who cares.

9.) Electro shock therapy is the new rage in depression treatment. The side effect: short term memory loss.... hmmm, that might make work a bit more bearable actually, where do I sign up?

10.) Osteen lawsuit. I'm sure Ms. Osteen was a bitch and threw a hissy in first class, but causing the flight attendant to get hemorrhoids? mmmmm nah. I'm sure the flight attendant will win anyway.

That's your weekly news wrap up.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Now Here's Justice

Shia LaBeouf (pictured right) was involved in a late night auto accident that has apparently "crushed" his hand. Lucky for him he has a slew of lawyers, independent investigators, and a movie studio behind him to "make his DUI go away" and throw the blame for the whole distasteful incident on the other driver, who now, apparently, was speeding, running a red light, not even looking where he was going, rolling coins, and doing his laundry when he happened to run into the mega movie star. I'm pretty sure that during the star studded trial, he will also be fingered for kidnapping and subsequently killing the Lindbergh baby despite the fact that he probably hadn't even been born yet. What dumb luck for this poor schmuck that he couldn't just run into an average citizen and merely have some points taken off his license. I smell definite jail time and a ruined life ahead for this guy.

But never fear, that new Transformers movie will still be coming out, because Mr. LaBeouf's employer has vowed to wait as long as necessary for Mr. LaBeouf (pictured above) to recover, and if they must, they'll write the injury into the script. Isn't it great that others who suffer injuries through no fault of their own have their jobs held or modified to accommodate their injuries. Why are you laughing?

Mr. LaBeouf (pictured above) is preparing himself for future roles that accommodate his new injury, and is expected to bring the "one arm man" in the Fugitive to new dimensions.

It Makes the Brain Bubble

It doesn’t take much to make my brain bubble these past few weeks. Yes, I haven’t blogged in a while, that’s because after the whole Benadryl gulping poison ivy incident, I actually did catch a summer cold that really kicked my butt and threw me into bed for a few days doped up on whatever I could find in the medicine cabinet that would make the niagra falls raging out of my nose stop.

Last week was a blur, so I decided to catch up on some news. Hmm, random bus riders hacking the heads off of sleeping passengers, workers getting fired and going postal and shooting their former co-workers, anthrax scientists committing suicide... wow, where is a really good “feel good” story.

Well, there it is: Woman attempts to drive all summer on one tank of gas.

Ok, admirable, not only from a cost saving aspect, but she’s getting all that attention because of the “climate change” fanatics out there applauding her pluck and courage to downsize her life and save the earth (insert sarcastic laughter here).

Being the cynic that I am, and still hopped up on cold pills, before I even clicked on the link to read it, here was my spin of the “story”:

A stay at home mom who uses cloth diapers (which actually waste more water in their cleaning and are worse for the earth because of the detergents spewed into the ground than dumping crap-filled plastic diapers in a landfill) and walks to the grocery store with her re-usable grocery bags has sacrificed her daily drive to the mall where she walks with her children lashed into strollers with the rest of her non-working yuppie public breastfeeding moms in their goal to get better calves for summer skorts while talking trash about their friends over starbucks and a cinnabon.

Side rant here - why do people actually DRIVE to a mall to walk? Can’t they simply walk out of their front door and walk around the block? Must they actually drive to a mall? Sure, its nice and air conditioned there, but isn’t the whole purpose of walking to sweat a little and get exercise? And why is it that when I was lined up outside the Apple store for the new 3G iPhone, that a gaggle of old mall walkers actually cursed us for being in their “walking route”? Um, excuse me but I’m here supporting the stores that are in the mall by purchasing their wares, keeping them open for business, while you simply take up the air conditioning with your old, don’t flush the toilet every time you use it to save on water, reeking of perfume because your sense of smell died around the same time your sense of fashion did old person odor, so stop the tude old dude.

Anyhoo, I digress, back to driving all summer on one tank of gas woman. I was pleasantly surprised to read that miss save gas woman was actually a working person who was utilizing alternate modes of transportation in her bid to... well, I’m not sure exactly what the whole point of her trying to go all summer with only one tank of gas, since there were references to her being “green” but that she wasn’t a tree hugger by any stretch, and she wasn’t exactly trying to save money really, it was more like “hey, lets see if I can do it” so there really wasn’t a purpose to her doing it. It wasn’t as though she was going to lose her house if she didn’t cut out the gas consumption, or she was going hungry because of it, it was more like a “hey, I wonder if” thing... so she really had no reason other than just trying. Ok, sorta defeats the whole purpose of reason, but whatever... she’s trying... um, wait a minute... she’s mooching rides from her mother, and friends and borrowing cars.

Ok, so this is the problem I have with this story:
1.) if she were saving the earth, then it would be about her using earth friendly modes of transportation
2.) If it were about her saving money, then it would be about her finding ways to find cost effective public transportation, or alternate and cost effect modes of transportation like biking.

but its not about either of those things, its about someone that said “hey, I just want to do this, so I’ll mooch rides off of people, and use other people’s gas and blog about it and get semi famous in my local news which gets picked up by CNN who probably didn’t realize that it was a story about nothing really”. I mean seriously, I could use only 1 tank of gas for months if I quit my job, mooched rides off of people and had PeaPod deliver my food (shortly before the bank foreclosed on my house and sold all of my belongings), so big freakin deal about this chick.

P.S. I just went out and checked out her “blog” and apparently a lot of people gave her crap about mooching rides and using her mother’s car. Her blog sucks, btw, just my opinion. She says that saving gas isn’t a big deal, but what is different in her case is that she’s “writing about it”... apparently she needs to stay home more and check out the millions of energy saving blogs out there... moron.