Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Mrs. Paul is a liar
I buy fish sticks for those nights when I just don't feel like whipping up a gourmet meal after I leave work. Ok, frankly we practically live off of fish sticks or anything you can throw in a microwave because the only gourmet thing I prepare after work is ice cream, which involves scooping it out of the container into a bowl.
I was drawn to the Mrs. Paul's brand of fish sticks because the container exclaimed "Sealed in FRESHNESS POUCH" (see picture above). Ok, tell me if I'm insane, but doesn't that "freshness pouch" look as though it contains 2 very large beer battered whole fish fillets? Those things look huge, and the product picture with the gigantic fish filet almost over flowing the plate, those are BIG fish filets!
So, not only am I going to get 10 of those humungous fish filets in this box, but they will come in the wonderful sealed freshness pouch, and by my horrid math calculations, there should be 5 freshness packs that contain two fillets each. This is much better than those regular non freshness pouch fillets that just clatter around free inside the box, which goes against all product safety rules. Since the great tylenol poisoning, everything has to be hermetically sealed and banded for our protection... except fish sticks. Apparently nobody bothers to poison fish fillets, so they just get shoved into a box too large for the meager portion they give you, to clump together in a freezer burned, ice encrusted lump by the time you get them home. Having my fish fillets hermetically sealed in this wonderous freshness pouch is ground breaking!
Um... right. This is the part where I accuse Mrs. Paul of being a total liar, liar, pants on fire.
1.) As you can clearly see, the "freshness pouch" is nothing more than a plastic bag. Not only is it JUST a plastic bag, but its a single plastic bag. Not only is it JUST a plastic bag, but its not even a resealable plastic bag. Like anyone would eat 10 of these vile things in one sitting. Apparently the freshness pouch theory was wrong, as all fillets are lumped into just one bag, and not lovingly placed in twos into a pouch, therefore, they became one ice encrusted lump just as though they had been tossed into a plain old box.
2.) The humungous fish fillets depicted on the box are NOTHING like the tiny little fillets that are contained in the plastic bag. They're tiny compared to the picture, I mean, just look at them, they aren't even the same shape as the ones pictured on the box.
So, I tried to recreate the picture on the box using one of the frozen fillets. Sure, if I put it on a tiny saucer and get really close to it with the camera, I can make this tiny fillet look like a 50lb fish fillet on a normal plate.
In reality, here is what it looks like on a normal plate.
Clearly it doesn't meet the container's specification, nor the expectation of what that picture tries to sell you. Oh sure, they got me to buy the stupid fish fillets through their cunning use of lying and deceit, but you can bet I'm not going to be buying any of Mrs. Paul's fish crap any more.
I guess I should have trusted the Gorton's fisherman after all.