Friday, March 25, 2005

Helpful Huskies

Since most of our foundation has washed away due to the ever diligent digging of the herd, I decided (what was I thinking) that I should take the large pile of dirt that was once our foundation but was now sitting at the back of our yard, and haul it back up to the house.

Step 1: Get out the wheelbarrow. Notice (after shoveling dirt into wheelbarrow) that tire is completely flat. Note to those not in the know: tires are VERY important on wheelbarrows.

Step 2: Abandon wheelbarrow, try dragging dirt on tarp. Note to those not in the know: when you have three huskies, they will think its really funny to jump on the tarp and catch a ride with the dirt. Three huskies = 150 lbs. They will then decide to fight over who gets to sit on the tarp and not move.

Step 3: Abandon tarp, shop online for wheelbarrow wheels. Note to those not in the know: wheelbarrow wheels cost as much as the freakin wheelbarrow. Decide on getting new plastic 2-wheeled cart thing instead of wheelbarrow.

Step 4: Go get the new wheelbarrow. Note to those not in the know: if Lowes says its in stock, odds are it isn't. Opt to buy wheelbarrow wheel similar to the one that went flat, as the flatless ones that fit my wheelbarrow were not in stock.

Step 5: Put new wheel on wheelbarrow. Not to those not in the know: it was easy and it actually fit.

Step 6: Realize that 500 lbs of dirt compacts to nothing, but sucks the life blood from you. Turn around after load #568 to discover huskies digging a huge hole in the dirt I just dumped out. Now I have no dirt near the foundation, and three very muddy huskies.

Step 7: Hire someone to put top soil in.

While I was at Lowes, I decided to get some stainless steel cleaner, as our stainless steel fridge looked like a horror show. Apparently stainless steel requires "special" cleaners. I would think that all of those DeLorean owners would have come up with a better cleaner by now. I find the product, called "Stainless Steel Magic" and grab a bottle. With a name like that, I would expect that its a simple matter of spray and wipe.

As I stood in line (apparently Good Friday is the day to buy home improvement supplies), I read the directions, that went something like this:

1.) Remove all food from your house, store it in a concrete bunker miles away.
2.) Don the protective suit (sold separately), and respirator
3.) Unplug your appliance and make sure it's cool to the touch as product is highly flammable.
4.) Spray product on appliance and run like hell, dialing 911 as you dash and scream like a little girl.
5.) For God's sake don't touch anything!
6.) Wipe with a cloth that has no sentimental value, as the product will cause the cloth to disintegrate in your gloved hand.
7.) Don't touch the appliance for 10 years.
8.) Eat out, or prepare foods in someone else's home for the next millenium.

I got out of line, put it back on the shelf (gently, as to not set off a horrible chain reaction), and bought some Simple Green... I really don't know why, but it seemed safe and friendly.

When I got home and relayed the story to my friend, she suggested that I wipe down the fridge with olive oil, as apparently this was a suggestion she had read in a magazine.

So, after scraping off the dried gunk, that's what I did... and it works!

Of course, I can't keep the dogs from licking the fridge, but where they can't reach is nice and shiny.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

It's All Very Taxing

So, I'm doing my taxes (I'll pause while everyone takes that deep breath and moans because they've either already done theirs, or just cant face them yet).

The government is bickering over social security, there's news reports about how its going to get harder to file for bankruptcy (adding in a little something that says you have to pay back your debt... if I could pay back my debt why would I file for bankruptcy you morons), and I have to say:

"IF THE FREAKING GOVERNMENT WOULD STOP TAXING ME TO DEATH I COULD AFFORD TO SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!!"

If social security is the thing that's going to save me from eating cat food when I'm too old to work, then why do I need to put money into a 401K?

If social security is the thing that's going allow me to relax in my senior years, then why are all the seniors working at Walmart, they can't ALL be that bored?

All this bitching about rich people finding tax loopholes, and yet these same whiners won't approve a flat tax (everyone pays 10%).

When I was a kid, you retired at 63, got a watch and a pension plan from the place you worked for. Now I have to work until I'm 90 (ok, 67 or 70, or something like that) can't take my damn 401K money out until I'm 59.5 (what moron thought that age up), and the average lifespan of a human is about 66. OOOOH 3 good years of lounging... ok, 2, then I'm forced to greet people at a Walmart.

I get taxed when I make money, I get taxed again at the end of the year, I get taxed when I buy stuff, then I end up paying more in tax because I didn't take enough tax money out throughout the year.

So, we fought and won because we had taxation without representation. We've got representation now, doesn't seem to be doing much good.

I can deduct what I donate to charities, but if they stopped taking so much money out throughout the year, I'd be more inclined to donate more money to charity and not get a freakin deduction. What, we have to bribe people to be nice now?

Those forms! AMT, fair market value, itemize your colostomazation.

Ya know what? If NOBODY wanted to work for the IRS we wouldn't have this crap. I just don't see how someone can be either a telemarketer, or work for the IRS. These are evil people (both telemarketers and people working for the IRS), sadistic bastards one and all. There are other jobs out there people! Better jobs, jobs that will allow you to look yourself in the mirror and like yourself. Stop telling yourself that someone has to do it, because they don't. You could also look in a mirror and know that people don't hate you, like we all do... despise you... you suck!

Go get a real job.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

The Flat Tire

Two weeks ago I mentioned to hubby "hey, your rear passenger side tire looks low, better take care of it".

One week ago I mentioned to hubby "hey, your rear passenger side tire is almost flat, better take care of it this week, because next week is busy".

Today, Sunday, at 3:30pm, as we were going to Costco "Your tire is a pancake".

This is how my husband's family deals with everything:

Step 1: Ignore it. It'll go away on its own or resolve itself.

Step 2: Do something about it, don't fix it, just deal with it as little as possible, then ignore it again.

Step 3: Bemoan the fact that everything happens at the worst possible time when eventually you're faced with actually DOING something about it.

As in the case of pancake tire, his "solution" was to drive it to a gas station and put air in it.

A.) You don't drive on a flat. Not only will you end up buying a new tire, but you'll also be buying new rims, AND probably stuck out in the middle of nowhere when it finally disintigrates.

B.) What is air going to give you? Another day to ignore it?

I suggested (since hubby is currently on muscle relaxers for a bad back) that we call AAA and have someone come out and put the spare on. Ok, so it's in our driveway, who cares, I pay those people 200 bucks a year, they need to earn their money somehow!

His suggestion: change it ourselves. Which we did. It wasn't too much of a pain, but it was an hour of our time, and he's now laying in bed barely able to move.

So, here's a contest for you all: How long will it take him to take care of the now flat tire that is a spare on his truck? Please consult the family rules above before you answer that question.

My guess? The moment he gets another flat tire.