Dear Mars corporation,

I'm writing to you in regard to your recent decision to stop producing king sized bars of chocolate.

As a consumer, I want gigantic bars of chocolate.  I've noticed, with much disdain, as chocolate bars have gotten smaller through the years while the price remains the same or increases.  We've noticed it, you didn't fool us for one second.  We're not stupid... But apparently you agree with the government and do think we are stupid.  We're so stupid that we just buy as many king sized bars of chocolate and shove them into our mouths until we're so fat that fire men have to use a crane to remove us from our houses.  We are so stupid that we could never figure out that when king sized chocolate bars are no longer available, we can just buy two candy bars and shove them into our mouths and bloat up to the size of small sheds.  The only people who are hurt by this move are the poor.  Why do you hate the poor?  The poor should be able to weigh 500lbs if they want, it's their right to be obese.  Why should only rich people be able to waddle into a store and drive those carts around stocking that little attached basket with mounds of chocolate?


From a person that has a retirement plan that most likely has your stock in my portfolio, I have to say: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?

If you had announced that you were ceasing the production of the king sized bars because people are more health conscious and aren't buying as many, therefore it is not profitable to make them anymore, I'd applaud your shrewd business savvy.   But your excuse for discontinuing them is because you claim that "Mars has a broad-based commitment to health and nutrition, and this includes a number of global initiatives,"  HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!  Seriously?  YOU MAKE CANDY!!!


You aren't a health department.
You aren't in the business to make people healthy
You make chocolate, good chocolate, tasty chocolate, and to keep your consumers and share holders happy
AND NONE OF US ARE HAPPY!

Make good candy, make good profits, and flourish, because when it's time to bail your sorry asses out, there won't be any money left, and we’ll all be eating Hershey's.

Tacos with Lobsterman

We had tacos the other day, and Lobsterman was complaining about how difficult it was to apply sour cream to a taco shell.

LM: We need something to apply sour cream to a taco shell... like a caulk gun.

Me: We have a caulk gun downstairs, want me to get it?

LM: Well, it would be perfect, but you would probably put caulk in it and then I'd put it all over my tacos and nothing good could come of that.

First of all, I have NEVER put caulk in the sour cream container, so I'm a bit perturbed that he would think that I would put caulk in the sour cream caulk gun. 

First of all, if you refrigerate caulk, it would probably turn rock hard and be impossible to dispense. 

Secondly, if he went and got a caulk gun out of the downstairs mish mash of tools in the big bag of tools and used it when he KNOWS that sour cream needs to be refrigerated, then that's his own damn fault.

The next thing he wants is a drill for his pepper grinder... because twisting the little grinder takes too much time.

Cuisenart Keurig Coffee Maker - Updated

1/18/2012 - This post has been updated at the bottom

Ok, much like the Toro Lawnmower, my Cuisenart Keurig Coffee Maker (SS-700) was about to be beaten with hammer.

This was a shame, since I've done nothing but brag and boast and convince all of my friends to go buy one or else they were losers and wannabes.  I'd feel really bad about shaming them into getting one of these and then admitting that it sucks after about a year.  Blowing $200 on a coffee maker just to be as cool as me is a lot to demand of your friends, especially if they read about how I'm now beating it with a hammer...

The problem started a few weeks ago when it started dispensing coffee slower than an old guy with prostate problems taking a pee, and wheezed more than I did when climbing stairs.

Ok, whatever, I can plop a k-cup in there, hit the button and go brush my teeth while it brews... disappointing that it was acting like that, but manageable because it was still giving me the 12 ounces it said it would.

The last straw started yesterday when Lobsterman reported that it was piddling out only 4 ounces of coffee at the rate of a catheterized old man.  This will not do.

I did the whole troubleshooting tasks that you can find on the Cuisenart site.  Poking a paperclip in the punch thing to make sure it wasn't clogged.  Making sure the plastic dispenser bottom wasn't clogged, and going through the rinse, drain air bubble exercise... to no avail.

Armed with the hammer, I gave Cuisenart a call and spoke to a nice guy named Adam, who chuckled when I told him I was about to beat it with a hammer.  He asked if I had run through the gamut of troubleshooting... yes.  I described the problem and he was more than happy to replace the product (I really like hearing a company say that... we will replace your product if the next procedure doesn't work... more companies need to start off their support calls with those words), if the next procedure didn't work.

Apparently the internal hose gets air bubbles in it and its kinda pesky getting them out, so here's what you need to try:

Remove the water container, and see the hole where the water gets sucked into?  You need to pour a water in that hole until its overflowing

Then sit the container back on there, put a k-cup in and make a cup of coffee.  It will probably piddle and drip like usual, that's expected.  When its done piddling and dripping, unplug the machine, remove the water container, pour more water in there if it isn't overflowing.  Plug the machine in, turn it on and run another k-cup cycle.  Keep doing that.  Adam said that if it doesn't clear up after 7 runs, then call them back and they'll replace it.

In my case, 4 times was a charm, and its back to brewing a full 12 ounces with a stronger stream.

So, I put the hammer away... for now.  Its nice to know that Cuisenart has your back if your expensive brewer goes belly up.  Kudos to Cuisnart!

Update 1/18/2012

The "fix" lasted all of 4 cups before it started pulling the same crap as before and got worse and worse until it would only brew a piddly little bit of coffee.

That was the last straw and I called Cuisenart AGAIN and they said they would ship me a new one.  I could have returned the product to a retailer, but opted to pay for the shipping back to them.  They charged me a $10 fee (who knows) and said I would get it in 7-10 days... ugh!  We limped along on the totally crapping out coffee maker until this morning.

This morning, something very odd happened... it worked normally!  I got a full cup, it sounded normal, everything was fine.  Lobsterman reported that it continued to work flawlessly throughout the day... and then the mail came and we figured out why it was working... its replacement was delivered.

We aren't falling for its tricks... back it goes!!!! 

Just One of Those Cartoons

I couldn't resist one more before the new year

Good-bye 2011

Its been a while since I've blogged... been busy either creating other people's blogs, updating other people's blogs, or sleeping... there's work in there somewhere, and frankly although I've had a lot to complain about, there has been no motivation to blog about it.

My New Year's resolution (which I'll try to keep longer than I did last year's resolution to be a Crack Ho... how was I to know you had to cook the stuff... eeesh) is to blog more, cartoon more, laugh more, and be creative more... which brings us to this point....

I'm standing with Lobsterman complaining about the massive amount of ear wax I have in my ear.  So much wax that I could make a freakin candle out of it.

Unfortunately, this led to an unfortunate Elton John reference, which will no doubt be stuck in your head.

I present to you... Candle in the Ear or something

Sorry about that

How to Have a Christmas Tree with Dogs

Its the most wonderful time of the year (unless you live in Maryland, where its the month you are most likely to be shot or beaten for a parking spot at the mall), and for most of my friends, the big talk is how to have a Christmas Tree and dogs in the same house.

While a lot of you that own dogs have obedient dogs normally only found in movies that pose in santa hats for the perfect family Christmas card straight out of the bowels of Normal Rockwell, about 99.93467% of my friends own Siberian Huskies who tend to think for themselves, and they think that peeing on gifts before ripping them to shreds, then knocking down the tree, eating shards of heirloom ornaments and then yakking up a big pile of tinsel at the Vet Emergency Room is a job well done.

For husky owners, trying to outsmart their dogs is akin to trying to outsmart those evil veliciraptors in Jurassic Park, so there have been some major innovations on the Christmas tree protection program.

So when Angela of Fluid Pudding asked the age old question of how to protect her beloved taped up fake but chock full of memories Christmas Tree now that she has 2 adorable and totally innocent non-husky dogs in the house, I told her it was a piece of cake.  If you don't follow Angela, well, you should.  Not only is her blog hilarious, but she videos herself cramming a gazillion marshmallows in her mouth for no real reason... and its totally awesome.

Then she explained that she wanted to maintain the total spirit of Christmas as well... that poses a bit of a challenge, as there are 3,000 ways to protect a Christmas tree from a husky, but it tends to take a bit of the holiday spirit out of a display that looks like a combination of a super max prison and the great wall of China.

I quizzed my dog owning friends for the perfect solution for the Pudding family tree this season and here are the suggestions sorted from incredibly outlandish and doomed to failure, to the winning idea that doesn't require a moat and boiling oil that actually maintains the whole Christmas look and feel.

1.  Paint Ball Gun:  While tagging your dog with a paint ball gun may provide some relief to the tree and presents, it tends to make a bit of a mess, and also your dog probably won't "get" that the tree spews painful balls of paint at them (because dogs are smart) they'll rightly guess that their human is shooting paint balls at them and will either wait for you to leave the house before gutting the tree and gifts, or (if you own a husky) run around wildly while you shoot at them, causing certain chaos, then roll on your clean white sheets to remove the paint from their fur.  We do not recommend this method.
2. Convert to Judaism: This is certainly an alternative, but having a lighted menorah is far more dangerous around dogs with wildly swinging tails than a simple Christmas Tree.  Alternative: Buddhism.
3. Hang the tree from the ceiling: This is certainly a viable solution, but may be confusing to young children who aren't use to seeing replicas of trees attached to the ceiling and could require years of therapy if not prepared for such a sight.  You also risk having a very clever dog who can figure out how to reach it even up there, and there's still the issue of where to put the gifts... unless a hanging bag of gifts (much like camping food stored away from bears) is acceptable.
4.   Explain the importance of the tree and gifts to the dogs: Ok, stop laughing.
5. The Army of Four Zim Detection Device: Hang a bell or other noise making ornaments near the bottom of the tree so that if the dogs get too close, you are alerted by the sound and can run in for corrective action.  Of course this will only work while you are at home, and are very fast.  We would like to point out that the Army of Four is suspected of being Labradors in husky outfits and are oddly well behaved.
6. Hot Wire: wrapping the tree in a low voltage electric fence wire will deter the dogs from approaching or touching the tree.  Dogs are smart and will only require one zap to learn not to touch the tree.  Unfortunately humans are not as smart and will invariably take several zaps before they get fed up and unplug the hot wire.  The dogs are smart and will see you unplug the hot wire and take advantage of the tree at that point.  We really don't recommend this if your pack of dogs is known as "Hooligans" (right Marilyn?)

The final and probably only viable solution is the camouflaged X-pen with slightly raised table solution!

Place your tree on a coffee table and decorate.  Using the tree stand skirt, drape over the table to hide it.  Purchase an X-pen as seen below:

X-Pen $26.00 at any local petstore

Brick patterned paper:

Decorate the x-pen to look like a fireplace, or brick wall, or use wrapping paper with snowmen to hide the prison-like appearance of the X-Pen.

Set up the X-pen to surround the tree, coffee table, etc.  Your gifts, tree and ornaments will be safe and sound for the holidays.

Remember!  Holly is poisonous to dogs!  Don't let them eat tinsel.  Ensure that the light cords are in the X-pen and out of their reach so they can't chew them and electrocute themselves or set the house on fire, or both.  Do NOT let the dogs drink out of the tree holder!  The chemicals used to preserve the tree are toxic.  Never give your dog chocolate, raisins, or grapes.  Don't let them eat tinsel (its very important, which is why I wrote it twice), ornaments, or ribbons.  If your dog eats tinsel, ornaments, or ribbons, do NOT induce vomiting, consult a vet immediately!.

Gee, no pressure there for the holidays, right?

So, there you go... you can have your tree and enjoy the holidays even with devious, destructive dogs... until they figure out how to climb, jump, or open the X-pen.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and good luck!

Dear Toro:

I'm posting this here because the feedback form you supply won't allow me enough room to tell you just how much I loathe your company and specifically your lawn mowers.

You suck!  No, seriously!

About two years ago I purchased one of your self-propelled lawn mowers from a big package home improvement store because of the awe inspiring and confidence building lies you printed on the box.

• guaranteed to start
• Easy start
• Self-propelled
• comfortable handle
• mulches and bags

You neglected to further explain these features properly, therefore I will assist you in producing your new packaging so that future customers (I won't happen to be one of them) will truly see what a wonderful piece of crap you build in your factories.

Guaranteed to start - at least once, after that its a crap shoot depending on the temperature, humidity, amount of gas, and whether you hire a professional body builder to yank the cord.  Be ready to spend at least an hour alternating between ripping your arm out of its socket pulling the cord, and letting the gas fumes die down.  Don't be tempted to light a match near it during the fume phase... it'll be tough, but you can resist.

Easy Start - if you are use to starting a diesel train by pushing it down the tracks.  There is nothing easy about starting it, but you can pull the cord over and over all you want without a sputter.

Self-propelled: if you happen to live on a hill and you shove the thing down the hill.  The amazing front-wheel-drive will simply spin itself silly and go nowhere on an incline higher than 2 degrees, so be prepared to haul it back up the hill with a winch.

Comfortable handle - designed by the Marquis de Sade, this handle will not only cause cramping, but also cut into your flesh, especially when you squeeze the handle to self-propel it nowhere, and the handle to keep it running... IF you ever get it running.

Mulches and bags - unless you are trying to cut grass.  Its anti-clog feature clogs the instant it is introduced to grass or dew, and once its clogged, there's no starting it again.   To compliment the anti-clog feature, the bag will hold at least one leaf before it clogs and causes the lawn mower to die.

I don't think I've ever had a lawnmower as crappy as this one, and I've owned a lot of crappy lawn mowers.  I especially like the part where it'll start and run for about 10 minutes, die for no reason, then refuse to start for a week.  I don't know how you designed that, but its amazing.  

Local burning ordinances won't allow me to set it on fire in the middle of your factory parking lot, otherwise I'd be there with marshmallows.

Instead I'll be dragging it to the local landfill and throwing it in a dumpster.  For two years I've pulled the stupid cord, cursed it, beat it with a hammer, kicked it, threw it across the yard, threatened to shoot it, and now I will be disposing of it and buying ANYTHING but a Toro.

Good bye Toro.  The Free Market does work, and thankfully you are not alone in the manufacturing of lawn mowers... good luck with your Government bailout when the time comes because I will still refuse to purchase Governmentoro lawnmowers, and will instead simply set fire to my lawn full of leaves.

Bite me!

Dear Automated Checkout Attendant:

Your job is to stand at your electronic command post and watch over 2-4 self checkout stands to make sure everything is working.

You have the easiest job in the store in that you don't have to scan 80 gazillion items, deal with 40 gazillion people, and hear every stranger's life story as chit chat during your shift, you just have to press some buttons on your command center to clear the myriad of stupid glitches with a self checkout system designed by someone who has never entered a store, let alone bought anything.

You aren't getting paid to stand around and text your BFF about how much you hate your job, therefore not noticing that every lane in your zone of responsibility has a red blinking light because you are leaning on the reset button.

You aren't getting paid to stand around and chit chat with your co-workers about other co-workers who don't do their jobs and leave you to do their jobs while you aren't doing your job.

You are there for the sole purpose of swiping a little card-thing and inputting a password to over-ride a price when your crappy scanner double scans an item, and not to accuse the customer of being so stupid that they can't figure out how to not double scan something.

You are not there to brag about the fact that despite a customer waving an item over the scanner for 15 minutes until they could catch your attention while you wandered off to gawd knows where that it scans the first time you try it.

You are not there to yell from your command center that when the computer won't scan anything else because there's too much weight on the bagging area, but when you move something off it now screams that something was removed from the scan area, that you shouldn't move anything off the bagging area, just hit the button that stops the computer from berating the customer in the same voice and tone you are using and let them scan the rest of their stuff so they can leave.

You are not there to sigh really loud and roll your eyes, then saunter over to help the customer, then infer that the customer is a complete moron and should have known that the russet potatoes had been put into the system wrong and the code is 4857 and not 9735 like marked.


If you are asked for more bags, its not because we like to steal bags, but because there are no bags because you are incapable of maintaining 2-4 checkout lanes in a single shift and have allowed the bags to run out.  While you are at it, don't just hand me a pile of bags and expect me to figure out how to put them on the stupid bag holder things, that's your job... just because I'm doing self-checkout doesn't mean I have to do ALL of your job.

Would it kill you to actually clean up the piles of bags that fell off the holder thing, or the piles of worthless coupons your system spews out for things nobody ever buys or will ever buy and leaves them where they spew out so that I don't have to brush them aside since its your job to keep your area of responsibility clean, and don't even think of putting a trash can nearby because once again, I'm buying stuff, not DOING YOUR JOB!

Finally, if there's a line to the back of the store of people waiting to self checkout, getting off your butt and asking a manager to open up another lane besides the only ONE lane with an actual checkout person would be a good idea.