Swine Flu Resources

Ok, this post has nothing to do with Swine Flu, unless you count Barbara Mikulski, which can confuse some people.

I’m so relieved to know that Tiger Woods failed to control his vehicle and got a ticket, so I expect that all of the reporters who are covering the story (which includes EVERY reporter in the world) will now go about their business and report on more important things (no, not the State Dinner crashers) something else more newsworthy.

What, I hear you saying, could be more newsworthy than a golfer running into a tree? Well, perhaps one of our wonderful Senators actually introducing an amendment that will guarantee woman mammogram access when they turn 40. What, I hear you moaning, why is that newsworthy? Well, I’ll tell you why that’s newsworthy and should send you into fits of rage... why do we need that amendment?

Didn’t your wonderful Government come out and swear up and down that even though a Government agency says that you don’t NEED a mammogram until well after you turn 50, and after every breast cancer place threw a world class hissy fit over that announcement, that our fearless Government leaders promised that mammogram decisions would remain solely between you and your doctor? Yes, they did... so why an amendment?

Because our wonderful 40 gazillion page healthcare bill that our Government keeps trying to ram down our throats quickly (even though it won’t take effect for years) says that decisions on your health will ALWAYS be between you and your doctor... we just ain’t paying for a whole lot of stuff.

So, yes, you can just go ahead and get one of them there mammograms, but by GAWD you’ll have to pay for it all by yourself if you aren’t 50. That’s why Babs Mikulski of Maryland has introduced this lovely amendment. You may be asking yourself... um, where’s the pap smear love? Where’s that prostate amendment? Where’s the amendment that says I don’t have to take the blue pill and can get a new hip if I need it? Well, nobody has proposed those amendments, so you can just talk that stuff over with your doctor, sorta like those “remember when burst appendix removal was covered under the old healthcare system” talks you have with old friends, and then you can just lay on the floor of the exam room and die because you wanted “universal” healthcare.

Frankly I’m pretty sure that alien anal probe IS covered under the healthcare plan and it will be performed by the IRS to pay for everything.

Aliens Took Me Captive

That’s the only explanation I have for not ranting much sooner. One minute I was soundly asleep, and the next it was months later and so much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin ranting, so the only logical explanation was that aliens took me captive and didn’t have WiFi on the mothership, therefore I have a lot of catching up to do. Thankfully while undergoing horrid physical experiments I was able to catch all of the political news in my journal since aliens are smart and watch FOX news.

1.) Why are technical/career colleges booming? The news actually did a segment on this, and I’m sure (like me) you knew all along why people were flocking to schools that actually TEACH you a trade where you can actually GET a job doing that trade, since going to a “REAL” college takes you 40 years, $50 bazillion dollars, and all you learn is humanities from some guy that read a book by some guy that wrote a book because he once read a book about humanities. Yep, there are just a slew of jobs just waiting for people who have memorized the Gilgamesh Epic from Mesopotamia, but absolutely nothing for someone that can pull an engine out of a car and rebuild it.

2.) The Economic Crisis - Part 1: I heard someone who is paid to talk on tv but knows nothing at all about anything say that the reason the Government is spending all of this money isn’t because they are saving money... the are INVESTING money into the future. OOOOH, so when I buy a car, I’m investing in transportation? That makes sense, since I use the car to get to my job to pay for my car... hmmm, wait a minute, that doesn’t seem very investy. Then if I lose my job, my “investment” gets repossessed and I love my “investment” and all of the money I “invested” in it. Since the Government doesn’t actually create anything (other than more debt) its not like they can use their “investment” to do anything other than spend more money.... we’re doomed.

3.) Ft. Hood Shooter - Terrorist, traitor, coward, should be put to death ASAP. Mayor Daly and Michael “I bought yet another election” Bloomberg need to walk their darkened streets without having their armed guards surrounding them and then let them talk about the 2nd amendment. Remember: we need more strict gun laws so that criminals that don’t follow the law will not follow the more strict gun laws. I really do think we need a band of roving people that do nothing but travel to wherever a public official says something stupid and all the roving band does is point at them and laugh, because trying to talk sense into these people is useless, totally useless. By the way, where is that pesky Hate Crime law that was put into effect by sneaking it into a defense spending bill. Why isn’t that terrorist scum sucking traitor being charged with it?

4.) Closing Gitmo and 9/11 Trials in New York- So, we’re bringing “terrorists” to New York to give them a fair trial... right. AG Holder already said that we’ll convict them and put them to death. One of the defense attorneys has said that the government is never going to let them go. Yep, that’s a fair trial all right. I say close Gitmo and make the terrorists swim back to their home countries, or better yet, set up cameras and leave them alone in the jail and make it a pay-per-view watching as these butchers slowly starve to death. For those of you who think we can make friends of the Taliban and Al Quada, I just point to the fact that our “rehabilitation” of pedophiles has worked so well in this country... how many times must our people die before we realize that some people are wired wrong and aren’t meant to live with law abiding citizens?

5.) Universal Healthcare - Still against it. If people want healthcare, I suggest that they join the military. Not only do you get free healthcare, but you get a job, room and board, a paycheck and all you have to do is serve your country. Congressman John Yarmuth of Kentucky said on a news show that (shockingly) doctors and hospitals use up 40% of healthcare expenditures. Um... who else should healthcare dollars go to? Where is the other 60% going? Instead of blaming doctors and hospitals for spending HEALTHCARE funds why aren’t we looking for where that 60% is going. He also said that the government (not your doctor) will have to GUESS what medical treatment people NEED and what the Government can AFFORD and if you want a certain procedure, you’ll just have to pay for it yourself. Frankly, as one ER doctor puts it here... I totally agree.

6.) Pandemic - The Swine flu may mutate with the Bird Flu, and then we’ll have the When Pigs Fly Flu.

7.) Global Warming - I’ve said all along that its a money making sham for those involved. Unfortunately the lame stream media is ignoring the thousands of hacked e-mails that pretty much say “yep, we’ve been cooking the global warming books” because they say they are “taken out of context” or “not real” and the hackers should be prosecuted. Funny, they didn’t say that when Sarah Palin’s e-mail account got hacked, and what a “public service” that hacker did for the country to reveal... absolutely nothing really. By using e-mail, she was “hiding” something. By using e-mail the global warming snake oil salesmen were merely “coordinating” their research.

8.) Military justice - One of the terrorists that ambushed a contractor vehicle, slaughtered the contractors, burned their bodies, dragged the bodies behind jeeps, then hung the bodies on a bridge for everyone to see was captured and claims to have suffered a cut lip when he was detained. The three Navy Seals that captured him are facing a Court Martial for abuse. Yep, that’s justice. Its better to have our fighting men and woman in a court room facing “abuse” charges from cold blooded killers than doing their jobs.

Ok, that about catches me up on things. Please note that I don’t care if a couple snuck into a State Dinner and got wined and dined and met our government officials, not sure what all the hoopla is about, people have been sneaking into our country for years and eating our food and using our resources when they weren’t invited, why are we picking on this couple?

Also, I predict that the whole Tiger Woods “car accident” went down like this: argument, argument, I’m leaving, fine, take your F’ing golf club with you, smash into back of truck, WTF, aaaaaah, smash, here come the police. Now can we get on with other more important things like how many people were trampled during black friday?

How I feel about Healthcare reform

Yeah, that's about it.

It Must Be The Worms

Nothing reverts a grown up back to childhood like being sick. You wish your parents were there to bring you hot chicken noodle soup, put a hand to your forehead and instantly know by touch whether you have a fever or not, and wait on you hand and foot until you are well again.

Yeah, I miss the good ol days, now that I'm all adult-like and have to make my own chicken noodle soup, have no clue if I have a fever and the only thermometer in the house has been up the dog's butt, and the laundry sits and mocks me until I'm well enough to do it.

Today I felt well enough to take a shower. Actually I just couldn't stand myself any more and threw myself in the shower, my mom's words ringing in my ears "take a shower, it'll make you feel better and wash the germs off of you". Yeah, I did feel somewhat better. "Now don't forget to dry your hair, if you go out with wet hair you'll catch pneumonia". My mom really did think that going out in wet hair would cause pneumonia, ear aches, tuberculosis and all manner of other horrible things. Apparently that's not the case, but you can't convince her otherwise.

My grandmother felt that you could catch horrible "private" diseases and pregnancy just by sitting on a public toilet. She also felt that we would all meet the same fate as the Titanic if we took the Ferry over to Mackinaw Island. My grandmother was also the one that gave me the middle name "Lou" because I didn't have a middle name. Grandma took a lot of pills. She also thought that you could catch worms from a myriad of things, such as eating raw cookie dough. I guess this was why my dad thought that everything was caused by worms.

"What's wrong?"
"I have a headache"
"Its the worms"
"I don't have worms"
"That's the worms talking".

My husband has an upset stomach now, which he's blaming on the pepermint white mocha he drank earlier. I'm pretty sure he has worms.

The Economy

Despite the stupid title, I assure you that there's no need to run off and poke your eyes out with a fork, I'm not going to do one of those long drawn out, drawling, make ya wanna puke dissertations on the U.S. Economy or anything like that... although if someone paid me I could, but instead I'll just sound the alarm over something I found on the back of a Wheat Thins box that disturbed me greatly.

Oh sure, you've probably seen the commercials where people are telling you to rip the gold fillings out of your teeth and mail them to their company in this handy trustworthy envelope because the value of the dollar is in the crapper and you'll need something to barter with when the rogue element starts racing around in crazy looking cars and speak with Australian accents, and you only have so many viable organs to trade. I laughed at those commercials as well, until I was eating Wheat Thins (that delicious snack cracker, and yes, since I haven't received a semi trailer full of Butterfinger Crisps, I'm now whoring for the Wheat Thin people), and found this alarming statement on the back of the box:

You can clearly see here that the U.S. Dollar is now only worth 16 Wheat Thins and 2 Tablespoons of humus. Oh dear lord are we screwed!!! Well, I'm not too screwed, because I happen to have a whole box of Wheat Thins (that I only ate approximately $3.00 out of before learning how valuable they now are). I have no idea why the Federal Reserve wanted to go with a snack cracker as the next monetary thing, but whatever, I'll go with it. The toll booth operator apparently hadn't gotten the memo and yelled at me for tossing 36 hummus slathered wheat thins into the toll hopper. She's probably still using that paper crap, the poor thing.

My husband had called and left me a voicemail that consisted of a high pitched whine that is commonly used by one of our dogs when she wants something (oyster cracker, our dinner, a Lexus). Having been married for 3,000 years, we no longer leave real messages for each other like "Hey honey, hope your day is going well, give me a call when you have a chance". Nope, our voicemails consist of high pitched keening noises, sometimes a whispered "shoot me now, please, just shoot me", or the "I want noise".

I called him back:
"What do you want?"
"Um, I don't know, I forgot"
"Well, you left a voicemail that said EEEEEEEeeeerrrrrrrrr"
"Oh, I need to go buy a beard trimmer"

Yes, from EEEEEEEEeeeeeerrrrrr he got beard trimmer. Its now quite apparent that we've evolved into our own guttural language and we can just do away with english altogether.

In case you were wondering, he didn't get a beard trimmer, because I ate all of the wheat thins.

Why do I even bother with titles

Yes, its time for more ranting, but before I start my rant, I'm going to start with a commercial of sorts.

The Butterfinger Crisp. I bought one of those halloween sized bags of them, with no intention of giving them to children. Nope, I view Halloween as socialist propaganda, if children want candy they can get a job and buy it themselves, why should I work hard only to fork over good candy to kids who just want a hand out. Anyhoo, back to the Butterfinger Crisp. I would like to inform all of you that the only thing they could do to improve this candy treat is if they found a way for them to unwrap and throw themselves straight into your mouth. I can't vouch for the regular sized bar, but the bags o' little tiny bars are fantastic, and yes, I would definitely whore myself out to the Nestle company and accept a truck load of these treats for this stellar and unbiased review of their incredibly delicious treat.

I would also like to ask those people that design online courses that make you sit through an explanation of the "right" answer, even after you answered the question right, to immediately throw themselves off of a high building, and if you survive, crawl with your broken legs back up to the top of the building and jump again. You suck. You really, truly suck. If I get the question right, move on. Stop wasting my time by going over something I already know, I know it, I answered your stupid question, if I wanted to know more... well why would I need to know "more" if I answered the question right, you idiot. This goes especially to those types of courses that are mandatory and you have to take year after year. Sure, things may change, but ask me a question about the things that changed, and if I get the pre-test wrong, then make me suffer through the drivel, but for the love of GAH stop the madness!!!

There is a very big bug sitting near the ceiling of my living room. It hasn't moved for some time now, and since I'm too lazy to do anything about it until it swoops across the room and smacks me in the forehead, I'm inclined to let it just sit there. If you don't hear from me in a few days, please call the police and report that a large bug killed me. Of course, by that time the dogs will have eaten my carcass and frankly I'm ok with that.

I close tonight's very quick, yet efficient rant with the following: Facebook, I know you are free and I should be grateful for whatever I get, but lately I haven't gotten anything from you, other than a notice saying my account is under maintenance, and when I do get in, you won't let me do anything. You are about worthless for the past week and if you don't watch out, I'll just go back to the dark ages and start e-mailing people again... um... or not. Just fix it will you.

Catch Up Rambling

Ugh, its been so long. Between caring for Sammy (the $15,000.00 dog) and then the in-laws visited, I needed some time away in a looney bin... oh wait, that's insensitive and not "politically correct", I needed some time away in the looney container... there, that's better, and just couldn't start ranting about things because all of the life blood had been sucked from my body from the stupidity of our government... and my in-laws, but I digress.

So, as usual, here is a rambling rant about things that I write down in a journal and will later be found once I'm dead and festering and I will be named the most brilliant person in the world, and my writings will make someone a gazillion dollars, and my curse to them will be that the government will take all that money from them and burn my journals... or something like that... but once again, I digress.

The Pur water filter commercial where some chick is running on a treadmill and there's a bottle of water. The text on the screen points out that the water bottle will sit in a landfill forever, so you should buy their expensive pitcher and filters (which apparently biodegrade faster than a water bottle). I just wanted to point out that because of the Government edict that states we shall either recycle the plastic bottle or else languish in Climate Chaos jail for the rest of our lives, that bottle will be recycled (and cause 80% more CO2 emissions from the plant that recycles it into... another bottle, than just burying it in a hole), that bottle won't go to a landfill... but that big ass honking treadmill will and it'll do more damage than that stupid water bottle.

I just saw a news report about these knuckleheads that hang onto a parachute thing and snowboard off of mountains. I would like to point out that these are the knuckleheads that aren't insured, but will now be required to be insured and we won't get care because morons that swing on a parachute off a mountain broke every bone in their body and now need 24 hour care for the rest of their lives. Still think mandatory healthcare is a good idea? Its so much better now that they're just left on the mountain to die. Oh wait, they aren't, they get care that we're paying for (apparently) anyway, so leave my freakin healthcare alone you corrupt government vultures.

Had I known that illegal aliens, children, and IRS agents who aren't eligible to get that first time homeowner money got checks anyway, I would have had my dogs buy a house so I could get a check. Hey, dogs need a house, and frankly their credit rating has tanked since the bank bailouts. They're very excited over the possibility of getting their own bailout. The dogs want to invest in kleenex because 1.) its tasty 2.) the swine flu thing, 3.) the constant weeping of conservatives. I think its a good idea actually, and I can't wait to get the money.

I saw a commercial that showed Onstar shutting off a car that had been stolen. If you have Onstar, I would suggest you never piss them off because you'd be screwed.

Balloon Boy... When will we required tests before people are allowed to breed? I'm pretty sure balloon boy's parents wouldn't have been able to pass it.

So people are standing in line for the H1N1 shot (my husband pronounces it "Highknee") and yet the authorities are telling people not to be around crowds... so wouldn't it be safer just to stay home rather than stay in line with a bunch of people?

I truly do think that Geraldo is a moron. He's now come up with the "Precious Poodle" rule in the cases of these children turning up dead when they go missing. His advice: Don't allow your children to wander someplace where you wouldn't allow your pedigree dog to wander. Seriously Geraldo? I think you just beat that harpy Nancy Grace in the most ridiculous advice one could ever give category. I would also like to say that if sex offenders are so heinous that we have to GPS track their every movement WHY LET THEM OUT OF JAIL TO BEGIN WITH???

Ok, I bought new pillows, so I'm off to try them out... or smother myself with it.